No, Not All Parents Love Their Children
And not all of them are “doing their best”.
“All parents love their kids” and “all parents are doing their best” are some of the most damaging ideas we have in our society.
These ideas make us believe that we should be grateful for our family, and that family ties are unbreakable regardless of the impact our family has on our mental health.
Even worse: these narratives are used to blame people who, after years of dealing with dysfunctional parents, have finally dared to say enough is enough and prioritize their well-being.
Nobody should be blamed for going no contact or setting boundaries with relatives who make them sick. Nobody should be blamed for removing themselves from an environment that deteriorates their mental, physical, and spiritual health.
If we want to encourage healing and self-awareness, we need to encourage people to stand up for themselves — and give them the space to process their emotions without judging them or assuming their family is similar to ours.
Parents Who Project Their Unresolved Issues Onto Their Children Are Not Doing Their Best
Let me tell you something: parents who reenact their trauma instead of making a conscious decision to heal are not doing their best.
Parents who constantly make their children feel like they’re a failure are not doing their best.
Parents who choose to ignore how much their behavior affects a child who hasn’t asked to be born are not doing their best.
Parents who see their children as extensions of themselves are not doing their best.
Parents who make their children feel responsible for their mental health issues are not doing their best.
Parents who make you feel guilty for being a separate individual with your own thoughts, feelings, emotions and aspirations, are not doing their best.
Parents who blame you for their emotional outbursts and rage attacks instead of seeking professional help are not doing their best.
Parents who teach you that love is something you have to earn (meaning, it’s something you receive when you’re meeting their expectations) are not doing their best.
Parents who criticize every mannerism of yours, every behavior, every goal, every word, every aspiration… Are not doing their best.
Parents who punish you or yell at you when you express your feelings are not doing their best.
Parents who choose to stay silent when the other parent punishes, manipulates, or gaslights their children, are not doing their best.
Parents who use money as a tool to manipulate you when nothing else works are not doing their best.
Parents who pretend to be kind when your friends are around, but then yell at you the second they’re gone, are not doing their best.
Parents who blame you for their dysfunctional traits are not doing their best.
Parents who feel entitled to tell you what to do with your own life are not doing their best.
What They’re Doing Is Simple: They’re Refusing To Heal
They’re refusing to be honest with themselves.
They’re refusing to break the cycle of generational trauma they’ve inherited.
They’re refusing to create healthier emotional patterns with their own children.
They’re choosing the path of least accountability.
They’re too focused on themselves to feel love or even empathy for you. And even if they do love you, their love is certainly not unconditional.
The sooner you acknowledge this truth, the sooner you’ll free yourself from the damage they’ve caused.
As E.B. Johnson said,
“[These] parents were not doing their best. They were reacting within patterns they refused to break. Doing their best would have been doing anything to make sure their child had the happiest and healthiest life ever.
Children of narcissistic parents often have to make the very hard decision to go no contact with the people who raised them. Sharing this, however, is usually met with something like, “but they’re your parents!” or “they’re your family!” Yeah. We know that. And we had to spent years overcoming the trauma they implanted in us.”
If you’re one of the people who believe all parents are doing their best, either:
- You’re one of the lucky ones who has a great family who loves you and supports you unconditionally (in that case, I’m beyond happy for you, but you should still try to understand different family dynamics and have empathy for those who had a different upbringing);
- You’re denying your trauma because you’re too scared to accept some dysfunctional behaviors in your family that have deeply impacted you;
It is generally assumed that parents have an innate, instinctive ability to love their children unconditionally. I hope this article has helped you realize that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Children of parents who are unable to love them have deep emotional scars. So, if they share their feelings with you, please listen with an open mind.
We all have choices, and our parents are no exception. If someone chooses the path of least accountability, they’re not doing their best. They’re refusing to heal — and you’re not responsible for that.
