The 6 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Had a Narcissist Parent
Avoid these pitfalls and you just might avoid being the next no-contact decision they make.
by: E.B. Johnson
A few years ago, I started talking openly about my upbringing within a narcissistic family. While most of the responses I got from strangers were compassionate and warm, the ones I got from those around me were…questionable, at best. That’s because the people who knew me best questioned my experience. Any time I shared a story, it was very often met with, “Well, that’s just how things were…” or “I’m sure your mom was doing the best she could.”
Not only are these responses not helpful, they’re shameful to survivors. When I share my experiences, being told that my mom “had a hard life” completely invalidates the hard experience she then handed down to me. What? I’m supposed to be glad I took emotional beatings my entire life? Because she had a hard life? Screw that.
More and more of us are opening up as we realized what happened to us. But for this experiment to be worthwhile, we need to be supported by the people we love most in the world. Doing this, though, is going to require a shift, and that shift will look like changing the way we perceive families, ourselves, and our connection to those who do us the greatest harm.
The 6 things you should never say to someone who had a narcissistic parent.
Is a loved one opening up to you about their narcissistic parents? This is a very hard thing for many to do. You’re sharing wounds that bring a great sense of confusion and shame. For you to be the best possible support that you can, you need to be fully present in compassion and understanding. That can’t happen if you’re using these 6 phrases in an attempt to provide “comfort”. So scrap them and listen with an open heart and an open mind.
They were doing their best.
This is big. It’s one that even the helpful like to ply the children of abuse with. But it doesn’t fly. Because their parents weren’t doing their best. They were reacting within patterns that they refused to break. Doing their best would have been doing anything to make sure their child had the happiest and healthiest life ever. So before you tell someone that their parents were “doing their best” just remember this: 1) No, they weren’t. 2) No, they weren’t.
They didn’t know any better.
Oh, wow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had friends and therapists alike tell me this one. “Your parents didn’t know any better.” What a load of shit. Did my parents have eyes? Did they have ears? Were they intelligent enough to hold down jobs? Then they understood their children weren’t thriving the way they were supposed to.
My parents saw their children cry, become scared of the world and themselves. They watched us wade through literal shit and get sick on the back of it. They knew exactly what they were doing. They turned away from it so they could keep going without guilt. There’s no denying the signs of a child that’s becoming smaller under abuse. Only adults that deny their role in the whole tragedy.
You need to forgive them.
How many times have you been told that you need to forgive your abusers? Even the narcissistic parents that made your life hell? Well, let me be the bearer of bad news. You absolutely do not have to forgive anyone that hurt you. The only person you have to forgive is yourself. Period. The only people who would tell someone to forgive an abuser is someone who themselves wants forgiveness for wrongs they refuse to be accountable for.
Are you sure they were sick?
No one loves to doubt your experience more than the person who didn’t go through it. When you share the story of your narcissistic parents, society often meets it with “Are you sure?”. Yeah, Susan. I lived there for 18 years, so I’m pretty sure that my mother was one of the most mentally ill people I’ve ever met.
I’m pretty sure she picked herself time-and-time again. I’m pretty sure she let me rot in a house of filth, while depriving me of essential skills I needed to be successful in the world. If a friend confides their experience with narc parents with you — don’t say this to people. Unless you lived their experience, keep it to compassion and keep your mouth shut.
That was a long time ago.
There are many people out there who seem to think that your pain should no longer be painful because it was a long time ago. I wonder, if they had a wound in their flesh that opened and oozed pus for years — would they say the same thing? Probably not. Because they’d be in pain; even at risk of dying. And the same goes for those who survived a narcissistic family upbringing. They are in the same pain, and their wounds weep on the inside of their lives.
But they’re your parents!
Who doesn’t love their parents?! Am I right? Wrong. The children of narcissistic parents often have to make the very hard decision to go no contact with the people who raised them. Sharing this, however, is usually met with something like, “But they’re your parents!” or “They’re your family!” Yeah. We know that. And we had to spend years overcoming the trauma they implanted in us.
Being family does not entitle someone to abuse you. Ever. It doesn’t matter if they are your mother, your father, your siblings. It doesn’t matter what role they play in your life, or how they choose to inflict their pain. Toxic people don’t have a right to stay where they do damage. So keep your mouth closed if you can’t support loved ones who are making the hardest choices they’ll ever make in their lives.
Putting it all together…
People with narcissistic parents have tremendous emotional scars. They can have little or no self-esteem and the belief that they are not worthy of love. As these effects ripple through their lives, it forces them into major decisions and (often) down the path to healing. That journey is made difficult, though, when those around them refuse to acknowledge the veritable hell that they lived through.
Listen with an open mind and an open heart if someone shares their story of narcissistic abuse with you. Don’t deny their experience, or try to play “Devil’s Advocate” for the people who caused them pain. It’s important to understand that our parents have choices. Just like everyone else. They can choose to rise above and do something different for their children, or they can choose to stay the same.
The narcissistic parent chooses the latter, because that is the path of least accountability. Instead of fighting for them (and your understanding of family), honor your loved one’s experience and listen to them. Give them the heart and the compassion they never got from the people who should have loved them both. Choose to see the world through their eyes and choose to see them with empathy.
- Day, N., Bourke, M., Townsend, M., & Grenyer, B. (2020). Pathological Narcissism: A Study of Burden on Partners and Family. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 34(6), 799–813. doi: 10.1521/pedi_2019_33_413