You Can Have Empathy For Your Parents And Still Set Boundaries
It doesn’t make you cruel. It makes you emotionally mature.
One of the worst things you can say to someone who’s estranged from their parents or is trying to set some boundaries with them is “their childhood was not easy. You should have empathy for them”.
Here’s the thing about empathy: it should always be mutual. When empathy is one-sided, something’s very wrong and we pay the price for it.
Most of us who are trying to set healthy boundaries and separate ourselves from our parents have spent years or even decades having too much empathy. We have listened to them, we have prioritized their feelings and opinions, and we have done everything we could do to please them.
Yet, nothing worked. Why? Because of their lack of empathy. Because of their inability to listen to their own children with an open mind and an open heart.
So don’t tell us to “have empathy” for people who have no empathy for us.
However, I’m here to dismantle another idea: the idea that it’s impossible to set boundaries when you do have empathy for your parents. The idea that you owe them something, or that you’ll never be able to fully separate yourself from them and be your own person.
The World Isn’t Black And White (Especially When It Comes To Dysfunctional Relationships)
When we become aware of how dysfunctional our family is, we usually go from one extreme to another. We go from “I love my family” (because that’s what we’re programmed to feel) to “I can’t deal with them because every interaction is so painful and unhealthy”.
This process is normal. We’re allowing ourselves to feel everything we’ve suppressed for years — anger, sadness, anxiety, abandonment, despair.
When we’re at this stage, it’s very difficult for us to imagine a scenario where we have empathy for our parents and we’re able to speak our limits. That’s because:
- we’re finally acknowledging our true feelings, and we feel very angry at how our parents have treated us (and we have every right to feel this way);
- we’re used to unbalanced family dynamics where our needs are constantly disrespected, so we think that once we start setting boundaries, the relationship won’t survive (and sometimes it doesn’t — and it’s not our fault);
It’s important not to bypass these feelings. The more we resist them, the more painful it gets.
It’s also important to mention that every situation is different. Sometimes, it’s just not possible to have a balanced relationship with our parents. Some parents are too narcissistic to self-reflect and change their behavior. When that’s the case, all we can do is protect ourselves from their dysfunction.
What I want you to know is that reality is not black and white. In fact, it’s very complex.
Just because you grew up in a chaotic, black-and-white environment (where everything had to be your parents’ way and there was no room for your feelings, needs, dreams, and ambitions), it doesn’t mean that you have to subject yourself to extreme thinking.
You can love your parents and still distance yourself from them.
You can have empathy for them and still set boundaries.
You can forgive them — or you can not forgive them.
You can acknowledge how dysfunctional or even abusive their childhood was, understand why they behave the way they do, and still set boundaries.
It doesn’t make you cold or cruel. It makes you emotionally mature.
Sometimes, our parents adjust their behavior and make an effort to respect our boundaries. Other times, unfortunately, they don’t.
You don’t have to love them. You don’t have to hate them. You don’t have to forgive them. You just have to allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and do your best to heal yourself. If that means cutting them out of your life, do it. If that means creating a healthy distance, do it.
In my case, as I wrote a few months ago, I’m in a phase where I’m limiting my contact with my parents. I haven’t cut them out of my life completely, but I’ve been setting many boundaries in an attempt to have a somewhat normal relationship with them.
This means I only see them in very controlled situations, on my own terms. For instance, I avoid meeting them without my partner, because I know that’s when they try to influence me or manipulate my personal decisions. I only have dinner with them every few months instead of every weekend like they want. And when I share something related to my personal life with them, I do it as firmly as I can because I don’t want them to feel like they’re entitled to an opinion.
These are my boundaries.
(If you’d like some extra help, you have my Self-Healing Workbook. I dedicated a whole section (Part 4: Future Self) to boundaries and self-validation, so that you genuinely feel guided in this whole process — and, more importantly, so that you feel worthy of speaking your limits!).
Life is not easy when your parents are a daily source of stress and anxiety.
The best thing you can do to cope with this painful reality and protect your mental health is to set boundaries.
It doesn’t mean you hate them. It doesn’t mean you’re punishing them. It doesn’t even mean you don’t love them (and if you don’t, that’s okay too. You don’t have to love your parents).
It means you’re finally doing what’s right for you. And that’s amazing.