Parents of Estranged Adult Children: Are They Really Clueless?
Do children really “leave for no reason”?
Conversations with parents of estranged adult children are always incredibly similar. “I have no idea what I’ve done wrong! They’ve cut me out of their lives for no reason”, they say.
The worst part? Our societal narratives around family and parenting only reinforce these ideas. More often than not, when we hear about adult children who decided to go no contact with their parents, we see them as “ungrateful” — and we feel sympathy for the parents.
Nobody ever stops to think, “Wait a minute. Why would someone do that? Why would an adult child become estranged from their parents?”.
That’s exactly what we’re going to talk about.
Do Children Really “Leave For No Reason”?
There are many reasons adult children become estranged from their parents.
Every situation is different, but behind most estrangements is a child who’s tired of tolerating dysfunctional behavior. A child who’s spent years feeling unheard and disrespected.
Attachment theory tells us human beings are wired for attachment. It tells us that we need to feel loved and accepted, especially by our caregivers, to have a secure base in life. In fact, our relationship with our caregivers sets the foundation for how we view ourselves and interact with others later in life.
When we don’t receive the love we crave and deserve… That’s when we develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. That’s when we become insecurely attached.
So if we’re programmed to want/need a healthy relationship with our parents (and therefore with others), why would we go against our own nature? Why would we cut such a fundamental part of our life?
The answer is simple: we do it when we have no other options. We do it when that relationship is detrimental to our well-being.
Going no contact is a last resort, usually preceded by repeated efforts at setting boundaries and communicating our feelings.
And most parents of estranged adult children know this. They know very well what they did wrong, whether they admit it or not.
Estrangement vs Alienation: Is There A Difference?
It’s important to keep in mind that there’s a difference between estrangement and parental alienation. According to Psychology Today, parental alienation is the rejection of a parent without legitimate justification, while estrangement is the rejection of a parent for a good reason.
However, this raises another question: what is considered a “good reason”? Is it physical and/or emotional abuse? Is it constant conflict? Is it enmeshment and codependency?
The problem is, many “rejected parents” use the word “alienation” to describe what their children did to them, saying that they “did everything for their children”, yet they were “abandoned”. Basically, they say there was no reason, when in reality they’re refusing to take accountability for their actions.
Although there are indeed cases where children “inexplicably” leave their parents, they’re not the vast majority. Most estrangement/alienation situations have a long history of disrespect and lack of empathy that pushed the adult child to walk away.
In my case, I’m in a phase where I’m limiting my contact with my parents. I haven’t cut them out of my life completely, but I’ve been setting many boundaries in an attempt to have a somewhat normal relationship with them.
This means I only see them in very controlled situations, on my own terms. For instance, I avoid meeting them without my partner, because I know that’s when they try to influence me or manipulate my personal decisions. I only have dinner with them every few months instead of every weekend like they want. And when I share something related to my personal life with them, I do it as firmly as I can because I don’t want them to feel like they’re entitled to an opinion.
If you’re thinking “wow, that’s harsh”, let me tell you something: this is what I have to do to protect myself from the constant violation of boundaries I’ve been subjected to my whole life. You have no idea how my parents are, or how my family operates. If you come from a healthy, loving family, I’m happy for you — but don’t assume my family is like yours, because it isn’t.
I also know not all situations are like mine. But, as Laura Fox says,
“I can’t help but feel skeptical of parents who complain about their children cutting them out as if they are ungrateful brats, rather than trying to understand their children’s pain. With this particular sort of parent, there is never any evidence they are taking responsibility for how they may have contributed to their children’s estrangement. And this makes me uncomfortable.”
There are indeed some cases in which parents actually are completely clueless, but that’s very rare. More often than not, the adult child has spent years being invalidated and disrespected, if not abused.
We all want to have a good relationship with our parents. We all want to feel loved by them and give them love in return.
We only walk from them when something is seriously wrong.
