6 Things You Should Never Say To Someone Estranged from Their Parents
#2 “Nobody’s perfect. They were doing their best.”
If you have a good relationship with your parents, it can be difficult to understand why someone would cut their parents out of their life.
The truth is, some families are very complicated. Not all parents are the same, and not all parents treat their children with love and respect.
Most people who decide to go no contact with their parents have spent years trying to have a normal relationship with them. They have literally tried everything, from calmly expressing their feelings to setting healthy boundaries. Yet, nothing worked.
The decision to estrange is almost always deeply thought through. It’s not an impulsive act, and it’s not a manipulative tactic. It’s a last resort.
Unfortunately, most people who are not familiar with this reality often say things that invalidate the experience of the person who had to make such a difficult decision.
Here are 6 things you should avoid saying to someone estranged from their parent(s).
1. “You’re their child. I’m sure they love you.”
The idea that “all parents love their children” is still deeply entrenched in our society, but it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Some parents are too self-absorbed to genuinely love their children. They’re incapable of forming a healthy, mutual connection because they’re too wrapped up in their unresolved issues. If you don’t know what it feels to be raised by such parents, I’m beyond happy for you, but please don’t assume all families are similar to yours.
2. “Nobody’s perfect. They were doing their best.”
This is not about expecting our parents to be perfect. It’s about expecting them to treat us as equals, acknowledge us, and respect us.
When you say this, what you’re really doing is dismissing the emotional experience of the adult child. I’m sorry, but manipulation, gaslighting, and boundary violation are not signs that someone is “doing their best”. They’re signs of disrespect and lack of empathy.
Parents who project their unresolved trauma onto their children are not doing their best. They’re refusing to break the trauma they’ve inherited, and they’re forcing their children to carry the same trauma. That’s not being a good parent.
3. “I could never cut my parents out of my life.”
If that’s how you feel, that’s amazing. I’d do everything to be able to say the same about my parents.
However, cutting your parents out of your life isn’t an easy thing to do, and this is the kind of comment that makes it sound like it was a light decision.
“When an adult child decides to cut a parent out of his or her life, the culture is quick to criticize, decry, or condemn the action as that of someone who is ungrateful, impulsive, or difficult; sympathy resides with the spurned parent, and when sides are drawn, it’s rare that the daughter or son will be able to count their allies on the fingers of one hand. Over more than a decade of interviewing women on the subject, I have never met anyone who took this drastic action without spending years thinking about it.”
Peg Streep, in 4 Steps to Healing After Cutting a Parent Out of Your Life
4. “But they seemed so nice!”
So what? That doesn’t mean anything. My parents are incredibly nice to my friends, yet when my friends are gone, they’re either criticizing me, manipulating me, or trying to influence my personal life. They’re incapable of seeing me as a separate adult with separate plans, emotions, and ideas.
In fact, many narcissistic or emotionally immature people appear to be caring and helpful. They do it to protect their image so that others won’t believe what happens behind closed doors.
5. “You will regret this when they die.”
Believe me, most people struggle with this thought almost every day, at least in the first months/years after going no contact. They still choose to leave because they’re finally ready to put themselves first instead of spending their energies with people who will probably never change.
When you say this, you’re only reinforcing the idea that adult children who become estranged from their parents should feel guilty for their decision. Nobody should feel guilty for prioritizing their mental health and letting go of people who deteriorate their well-being.
The only thing we should regret is that our parents couldn’t do what was necessary to have a mutual, healthy relationship where both parties feel respected and understood.
6. “Why don’t you just call them? I’m sure they miss you.”
There’s no point in missing someone if you’re not willing to at least do some self-reflection and take accountability for your actions.
It’s important to understand that normal relationship rules don’t apply to emotionally immature or narcissistic people. In normal, healthy relationships, of course, there’s communication and compromising. But that doesn’t work with everyone. When people don’t listen to you, when they don’t acknowledge your feelings, or when they don’t respect your boundaries, then the only option is to cut contact.
As I wrote before, behind most estrangements, full or partial, is a child who felt unseen and unheard by their parents.
Growing up with parents who are unable to love us unconditionally and encourage our individualization can leave long-lasting marks on our mental health. So, if someone shares with you that they no longer speak to their parents, avoid saying something that reinforces unhealthy cultural narratives or makes the person feel even more invalidated.
Show some empathy instead.
