5 Reasons Adult Children Become Estranged From Their Parents
#1 The parent sees the adult child as an extension of themselves, not as an individual.
Forums for the parents of estranged children are filled with mothers and fathers who claim to have been “perfect” parents but somehow, their children “left for no reason”.
The truth is, there is always a reason.
Behind most estrangements, full or partial, is a child who felt unseen and unheard by their parents. A child who felt invalidated and emotionally neglected. A child who realized their parents’ love was not unconditional.
Children who have always felt loved, respected, and treated as an equal do not randomly decide to leave their parents — they give love, respect, and affection in return.
Parents who say their child left them for no reason are either lying, in denial, or have no self-awareness — which, ironically, is probably one of the reasons their adult children have become estranged.
1. The parent sees the adult child as an extension of themselves, not as an individual.
Our relationship with our attachment figures sets the foundation for how we behave and interact with others.
When our parents teach us to listen to our intuition and stand up for ourselves, that’s exactly what we do as we grow up. We know we’re unconditionally loved, and that gives us the confidence we need to go out into the world and be true to ourselves. That’s because we’ve formed a secure attachment and we know what a healthy relationship feels like.
If, on the other hand, our parents are overbearing, controlling, or too self-centered to even care, we become insecurely attached adults who have no idea how to communicate their needs and stand up for themselves.
It’s no wonder that children resent their parents if they’re not given the space they need to develop their authentic selves.
2. The parent keeps manipulating the adult child.
Emotionally immature parents often believe they have the right to control the child’s decisions, using manipulative tactics like:
- Guilt-tripping and shaming;
- Comparing their children to other siblings or peers in an effort to further diminish them;
- Emotional blackmail: the parent appears to make a request, but it is really a demand. If you say no, they punish you with passive-aggressive statements, rage attacks, or silent treatments;
- Gaslighting: denying what really happened to make you doubt yourself.
If your parents are constantly playing games or interfering in your personal choices, you have every right to set boundaries and protect yourself.
3. The parent repeatedly ignores the adult child’s boundaries.
More often than not, adult children who become estranged from their parents have spent years doing their best to “fix” the dysfunctional behaviors in their family.
They tried to communicate their needs. They tried to share their emotional life with their parents. They tried to be honest and let their parents know how they think and feel. They tried to set limits and maintain a healthy relationship that works for both sides. Yet, nothing worked.
The parent would either have a rage attack or engage in manipulation tactics like the ones listed above.
That’s when the child begins to realize that maybe, just maybe, it’s simply not possible to have a stable and functional relationship. Coming to this realization can be incredibly painful, and it forces the child to make a decision.
4. The parent refuses to self-reflect and/or take accountability.
We all make mistakes. The key is to reflect on our actions, apologize, and never make the same mistake again.
Unfortunately, some parents can’t accept responsibility for their actions. It’s never their fault — in fact, it probably is your fault. They refuse to take accountability for their behavior when you let them know they hurt you and are simply not interested in listening to your experiences.
“A trademark of a NPD or even a person with a high number of narcissistic traits is this strange problem with accountability. Not only do narcissists lack the ability to give and truly mean empathy, but they consistently blame others for their own mistakes and feelings and have an uncanny way of turning things around and making it someone else’s problem. You are the crazy one, not them. You are at fault, not them. If you show them clear evidence of something they have done, they will deny it or say they don’t remember it. They will say you took it wrong and will rewrite the narrative of what they meant. In this process, they are not owning anything about it. You just got it wrong.”
Karyl McBride PhD, in Lack of Accountability in Narcissists
5. The parent disrespects the adult child’s partner.
Many people begin to “wake up” once they’re in a healthy romantic relationship. Since our partners/spouses have not grown up under our parents’ manipulations, they’re often unwilling to participate in dysfunctional behaviors that feel natural to us — and slowly, we begin to question the way things operate.
This usually leads to conflict, because such parents don’t want you to question family rules. Instead, they want you to stay compliant and submissive. The more you speak up, the more they see your partner as a threat.
Secure parents treat their children and their children’s partners as equals — not as infants they can control.
If you come from a balanced family that genuinely loves you and supports you, it can be difficult to understand why a grown man or woman would choose to stop all contact with their parents.
Unfortunately, some of us come to the realization that our interactions with our parents are undermining our self-esteem, self-respect, and relationships. If a resolution is not possible, severing the relationship is the only choice we have.
We all have the right to prioritize our mental health and do what’s right for us.