5 Common Reactions To Boundaries, And How To Respond To Them
If you still feel guilty or unprepared when you set boundaries, here’s the guide you need.
If you have tried to set boundaries, you already know that many people don’t react well to them.
It’s not easy when you’re finally ready to stand up for yourself and your loved ones either ignore or disrespect your limits. I’ve been there, and I know how painful it can be.
After having spent the last years learning to set boundaries — and becoming pretty good at it — I also know how we can be assertive and stay grounded regardless of other people’s reactions.
But first, let me be clear: you cannot control how other people react to your boundaries. The only thing you can control is your ability to stay true to yourself and speak your limits.
So if you want to be prepared, keep reading.
(Disclaimer: if you’ve spent years being a people-pleaser, some of these responses will sound “harsh” or “cruel”. That’s normal — you’ve been conditioned that way. However, as long as you express yourself in a calm and considerate manner, you’re simply being assertive. Don’t mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness. The more you practice setting boundaries, the better you get, and sooner or later these responses will no longer sound harsh to you.)
1. “You’re being too sensitive.”
People tell you this to make you feel like you are the problem, not them. It’s a common manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty.
How to validate yourself: tell yourself that your feelings are valid and that your sensitivity is not a bad thing. We should all be sensitive to each other’s feelings — including our own. In fact, the problem is likely that this person is not being sensitive/empathetic enough.
How you can respond: “I’d appreciate it if you could respect my sensitivity, just like I respect yours” or “Yes, and maybe you’re not being sensitive enough”.
2. “You’re being mean/cruel/insensitive.”
Unfortunately, many people perceive boundaries as rejection or abandonment. This is particularly common in dysfunctional families.
The truth is that boundaries are a fundamental part of any healthy relationship. They allow us to feel respected while also respecting the space of our loved ones. Emotionally healthy and mature people will have no problem with your assertiveness because they know you have every right to speak your limits — just like they do.
How to validate yourself: remind yourself that being assertive is not being mean. Just like you have consideration for others, they should have consideration for you.
How you can respond: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not being mean, I’m simply setting boundaries. I’d appreciate it if you could respect them.”
3. “I never said/did that!”
This is gaslighting 101: when someone denies what happened so that you question your own sanity and lose confidence in yourself.
If you’re absolutely sure someone has said/done something and they deny it with such conviction that you end up being manipulated into questioning your memories, you’re likely being gaslighted.
How to validate yourself: remind yourself that you are not crazy and that you can trust your own instincts and perceptions.
How you can respond: “I know it happened. I’m not debating whether it happened or not. If you’re not willing to be honest, I’m going to step away from this conversation”.
4. “It was just a joke!”
When people tell you this, what they’re really doing is avoiding the repercussions of what they just said.
How to validate yourself: if your intuition knows it was not a joke, it was likely not a joke. So remind yourself that you can trust your intuition.
How you can respond: “Saying something passive-aggressive and passing it off as a joke doesn’t make it a joke.”
5. “You’re overreacting.”
This reaction is an attempt to diminish the importance of something that matters to you. They want to make you feel like you’re making a big deal out of nothing because that allows them to avoid self-reflection and self-accountability.
How to validate yourself: tell yourself “I am allowed to feel angry/sad/emotional if someone offends me or disrespects me. I’m not asking for too much. I’m simply asking to be respected”.
How you can respond: “It might not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. I’d appreciate it if you could honor that”.
Many people will try to manipulate you into feeling guilty for being assertive and standing up for yourself.
If you back down instead of keeping your boundaries, they win.
In the beginning, it won’t be easy. You will want to back down because that’s what makes you feel comfortable.
But here’s the thing: you don’t want comfort. You want growth. You want to free yourself from your people-pleasing patterns. So stand your ground, and sooner or later, people will start adjusting to your new self.
