Why I’m Passionate About My Selfish And Practical Marriage
How you can feel happier when you apply these to yours.
I believe that everyone deserves to do what they want, wholeheartedly. I understand, however, that this is an ideal that is not seen as realistic by most, because of the expectations that society puts on people to stay in their lane and do what they’re supposed to do.
We are told as we grow up that the competition is too large. To settle for something attainable. To follow the crowd — go to school, get a job, get married, have kids.
My husband and I very much followed this guide. We went to college, got a job, got married, and now we have 2 kids. But my husband didn’t do it all in the traditional way. He broke the rules and climbed up the ladder very fast. He’s started a business. He hasn’t always been present. I have resented that, but I also realize that I’m lucky.
He got ahead, and to do that, you have to go outside of the norm and take self-care to a new level. If he had done everything how I expected him to, we wouldn’t be where we are today.
We wouldn’t be financially comfortable if it wasn’t for his ambition to work h̶a̶r̶d̶ smart all those times that I wanted him to come home early. We wouldn’t enjoy our daily luxuries if it wasn’t for the years of working towards his goals — which also involved a lot of time for him to relax away from me.
It’s because of his “selfish” choices that I had the freedom to not return to work when my first son was born.
I am incredibly grateful for the choice, and although it was hard to process the fact that deep down I didn’t want to go back to work, I’ve embraced being a SAHM.
It’s allowed me to become more self-focused, for one.
Because Our Marriage is Selfish
We’re both extremely driven, albeit by very different things.
I’ve written about how selfish my husband is, to an often annoying level. He has missed plenty of events due to his work and lifestyle — not out of obligation, but by choice. In fact, I shouldn’t call his work “work” because it has a negative connotation to it. His work aligns with his lifelong goals. He loves to work in the broad sense of the word. He loves to do anything that will push him forward.
And while it was painful at the time, we reap the results today.
Manage expectations of others.
This man has taught me that in order to get what you want, you can’t be bound to others’ expectations of you. He’s made plenty of sacrifices at others’ expense to get to where he is today because the alternative was to sacrifice himself, and he refuses to do that.
I have supported him even when I’ve been furious with him because I know how important it is to him to achieve his goals. There is no option to fail. There’s not even a plan B.
I understand that for him to be great, he has to put himself above me a lot.
This has felt unfair.
I was the polar opposite, too. I’m a people pleaser, so every time I wanted to do something for myself in the past, I would check that it was convenient for everyone else first. Our differences bred conflict, but it’s because I got the view of marriage all wrong. (Thanks, Hollywood & Disney.)
Being selfish is only selfish to others.
My man has taught me that it doesn’t matter what others want of you — if they don’t align with your goals, you’re under no obligation to oblige.
That’s been a hard pill to swallow because it has always come so naturally to me to put others before myself.
He’s taught me that being greedy is not a bad thing — wanting something for yourself doesn’t mean taking it away from others. Yes, it may inconvenience others — but only because they didn’t manage their own expectations.
Prioritizing myself helps me be better to others, including my husband.
During a time when society would understand or even expect me to put my children first, I couldn’t believe it when I started claiming time for me and me alone, and then craving more. Never before have I thought about myself more. And I have never grown so fast in my life.
My confidence has grown. My own state of happiness increased. I have better days, better moments.
I prioritize my kids because they’re my life. But this means I need to put myself first at times in order to be my best self. I take time to write, get my nails done, go out for walks with friends, and more.
Sometimes I put my kids to bed a little early just so I can catch a break. I put my first in childcare so that I could write, but sometimes, I even took a nap. When our son wakes up in the mornings and it’s a little too early, we make him wait so that my husband can finish reading a chapter of his book, or so that I can drink my *hot* coffee in peace.
Being selfish increases productivity.
I now get why my husband is so selfish — you get shit done when you’re selfish.
I've never been so productive on my own self in my life. Never have I been more motivated to do what I want.
“Nothing resembles selfishness more closely than self-respect”― George Sand
And somehow, I still find the time to cook, clean, and be this traditional housewife, because, I love it. I love doing all of that, being a mother, and I love working on my goals.
If there is anything to be taken from my husband’s selfishness, it’s the desire to just be great. I’m learning to do more for myself so that when I do things for everyone else, I’m doing them because I want to, rather than because I feel I have to.
Because Practicality Is Magical
Ironically, I have fallen more in love with my husband since we took the spontaneous passion out of our marriage.
Passion can turn sour very quickly. When it’s not exciting and sexy, it’s erratic, unpredictable, and toxic. Most of all, it’s unstable and anxiety-inducing.
Being passionate made me reliant on the positive moments to feel loved. That meant that whenever we argued, I felt unloved.
Practicality is conscious, deliberate, and mindful.
It brings the best in both of us. It means that we feel loved regardless of our situation and mood with each other. It means that we can freely express how we feel and work on meeting our goals.
Happiness comes in short bursts and there are lows. It’s not about striving for butterflies and rainbows all the time, but about being content and choosing every morning to love your spouse and showing them your love in whatever ways they like to be shown.
Being practical means that we can still fight and argue — but smartly, rather than emotionally. We know what our end goals are, and we know what the bigger picture looks like. We argue — at the practical times, away from the kids.
We show up for marriage.
Marriage is a commitment you have to turn up for, just like a 9 AM meeting. So we organize it as such. We express our desires and needs, and we invest our time in them.
We discuss family and house projects — I once made a presentation with all the things I wanted to do around the house, and included quotes and pictures.
We have shared online lists of outings, sorted by season, price, and whether it’s indoor or outdoor. We have go-to meals categorized by ease in case we get stuck on what to cook one day and we don’t want takeout. We organize our finances and prepare for expenses as much as possible.
We pencil in arguments for when the kids are in bed, and until then, act completely normal with each other — because no matter what, we know that our intentions are not to hurt the other.
Being practical enables comfortable living.
Why Self-Care and Practicality Are Key Ingredients to Marriage
No marriage is flawless, and no one should strive for perfection. I think that what society expects from a good marriage is irrelevant because every couple is different. No one should rely on exterior factors to work out if their marriage is good or bad — it’s about how it feels to you.
It is my perception of selfishness that changed over time. I went from believing that my husband was selfish, to seeing it as extreme self-care which I chose to adopt.
Being selfish is subjective — i.e. when it hurts someone, it’s selfish. But what if no matter what, you hurt someone, because of their own insecurities and high expectations?
Once you adjust your expectations of others, your perspective on what’s selfish changes too.
My husband and I take care of ourselves as much as possible because we are better people to each other and our kids when we do.
We are practical in how we work as a couple, and as a family. We write everything down. We organize our fun. We are honest about what we need to be comfortable and happy.
We love practically. We love deliberately. We love wholeheartedly, consciously.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.