Why I’m Always Early

And how I feel about people who are late

This story was inspired by Nihan Kucukural, who wrote about always being late in her story How to Be on Time and Avoid Shame. I am the opposite; I am always early. Probably to avoid shame.

Ever since I can remember, I have had a horror of being late. Maybe because I went to a strict Grammar School where lateness was a crime punishable by a visit to the formidable Deputy Headmistress.

“People who are chronically tardy never understand the many ways in which they screw up the schedules of people who are punctual and ‘normal’…”

― Lauren Kate, Fallen

My parents were sticklers for punctuality. If I was meant to be home at five o’clock, I had better be home, or my television privileges were suspended. In those days, it was Scooby-Doo and Wacky Races. Far too important to miss.

I’m also extremely left-brained. I like order, being on time, routine, familiarity, and schedules. A friend put me in a panic the other day by offering me Strawberry Baileys when I arrived at her house: I didn’t know it existed. I love Baileys, but I need some notice if I’m expected to try something new. A few days, if possible.

“I never could have done what I have done without the habits of punctuality, order, and diligence, without the determination to concentrate myself on one subject at a time.” — Charles Dickens.

Wow. If it’s good enough for Charlie, boy, it’s good enough for me.

Perhaps it is cultural. If I had an appointment in the UK, I would arrive on the dot, and so would everyone else. If I was due at my friend’s place at 1.00 pm for lunch, I rang the doorbell at 1.00 pm.

Being late at my Gran’s place elicited a 20-minute interrogation:

Gran: Why are you late? You said 1.00 pm, and it’s ten past.

Me: I know, sorry. The traffic was terrible.

Gran: But why didn’t you leave early enough to allow for that?

Me: I didn’t realize it would be so bad.

Gran: Why not? You have made this journey before. You know it sometimes takes longer. Why didn’t you take that into account?

Me: I don’t know.

Gran: Why don’t you know? Don’t you plan ahead? What would they say at work if you were 10 minutes late? Are you late when you visit your friends?

Me: Can we talk about something else, please.

Gran: I just want to know why you can’t be on time.

Me: I’m sorry, can we leave it?

Gran: I was on time. I planned my day around you coming at 2.00 pm. I was talking to my friend Muriel on the phone, and I said, “I’ve got to go now because I have to put the kettle on. Wendy will want a cup of tea when she gets here at one o’clock.”

Then my mum would weigh-in, “It’s selfish to be late. Your Gran has been looking forward to seeing you all week.”

I could go on for another few pages. Needless to say, I received the message loud and clear that being late was ‘Not OK’.

Oliver Burkeman writes about culture and lateness in his article, “Members of the Uptighterati hate lateness: are we wrong.”

“In the mid-1970s, when the American psychologist Robert Levine took a job at a university in Brazil, he knew he should expect a different pace of life. But he had no idea exactly how different. It was “a dose of culture shock I wouldn’t wish on a hijacker,” he later wrote. On the morning of his first 10am lecture, students were still showing up at 11am; the next day, his head of department arrived for an 11am meeting at 11.45, offered him a coffee, then left again, explaining that it was her practice to schedule multiple meetings for the same time of day.” — Oliver Burkeman.

Whatever the reason, by the time I reached adulthood, I had a horror of being late. And I’m never going to Brazil.

How I cope

To avoid all that horror and shame, I overcompensate and arrive early. It doesn’t matter whether it is coffee with a friend, a movie, the doctors or dentist or a work meeting, I am always early.

This has added benefits. I can pick where I want to sit in the cafe or get in a bit of shopping first. I can read novels on my Kindle. Best of all, I get to read all the trashy magazines at the doctors while still being able to truthfully assert, “Ugh, I never buy those magazines.”

If I have to travel any distance, I aim to arrive at least ten minutes early. Then I add on some more time for getting lost, finding parking or public transport being late. Usually, quite a bit of time as I have no sense of direction and I can’t parallel park. Thank goodness for my iPhone and GPS. It was much worse when I had to read a map.

As part of my plan, I work out how much time it will take for me to get ready — forty-five minutes usually, if I have to wash my hair, one hour. It takes a long time to get me presentable these days.

Another fifteen minutes is added for lost glasses, car keys, or unexpected phone calls. The dogs don’t like being locked in the kitchen when I’m out, so I have to wrangle them as well. They do like running off with glasses and car keys. Poking their furry heads in my handbag and distributing my credit cards around the house is another trick they are proud of.

For something important like a job interview, I will aim to arrive forty-five minutes before-hand to scope out the building. I know from experience that sometimes office block entrances are not obvious. When I arrive, I get a coffee, go through my notes, and tidy myself up in the loo. That way, I arrive at the interview at least ten minutes early. As an HR professional, I can tell you that being late for a job interview will give a bad impression.

“It is difficult to prove yourself reliable when people are required to wait for you.” — Wes Fesler

What happens if I’m late

If I am late, I get very anxious. My heart beats fast, I start to sweat, and I start to panic. It is as if the end of the world is happening. I’ve noticed that other people do not react in this way. They just breeze in, twenty minutes late, with an apology, as if it is the most natural thing in the world.

Even if I am the customer, I panic. For example, at a training course paid for by my company. In my days as the single mum of a small child, I couldn’t get to early morning meetings because I had to drop my daughter off at school. I had a valid reason to be late, yet I still felt terrible.

Being late made me really upset until I saw other people just saying, “I’ll be half an hour late.” The same would go for events where I had to leave early.

Now I can easily say that I will be late for something or will have to leave early. I have no idea why it’s taken until my fifties to not go into a blind panic.

When other people are late

I get very cross when other people are late. When they text to say they are looking for parking, I get annoyed. Why didn’t they leave early and plan properly? Oh, no! I’m turning into my grandmother.

One school of thought says you should wait for a set amount of time if someone is late and then leave. For example, if your limit is ten minutes, you should leave after that time has elapsed.

This doesn’t work for me. If I’ve made an effort to get up, get out of the house and turn up, I want the pleasure of the outing. I’m also too much of a people-pleaser to leave. What if the person arrives one minute after I’ve gone? Then I’d be the bad one.

I do draw the line at no-shows. Like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, I have a “three-strikes-and-you-are-out rule”. Stand me up three times, and I won’t make any more arrangements with you. I can’t seem to extend this rule to lateness, though.

Maybe today’s tardiness is the fault of technology. I’m sure people were more punctual before texting. It is too easy to send a message to say you are on your way. Before texting, people had to be on time or risk the other person leaving.

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”

― E. V. Lucas

Some people also feel that being late is a sign of disrespect or undervaluing other people’s time.

“Unless you present a very good excuse for being late, preferably something that is out of your control (e.g. an elephant on the motorway), being late sends out the message, “My time is more valuable than yours”, that is, “I am more important than you”, and perhaps even, “I am doing you a favour by turning up at all”. “ — Neel Burton MD, The Psychology of Lateness.

Lateness as a habit

Is being late a habit? It certainly seems to be. I know which of my friends will be on time for an event and who will rush in late. It is always the same people. They are intelligent, kind people, so why are they late?

Is it because they don’t look at the time? Or because chronically late people underestimate how long it will take them to get ready? Do they have a different perception of time to those of us who are always on time?

In her article Why Some People are Always Running Late, Laura Clarke talks about Jeff Conte’s study. A psychology professor at San Diego University, he ran a study about lateness and Type A and Type B people.

When asked to judge when they thought a minute had passed, the Type A people called it when approximately fifty-eight seconds had passed. The Type B people took seventy-seven seconds.

Maybe people who are habitually late experience time differently from those of us who are punctual.

Final thoughts

Arriving late is tied to a sense of shame, whether it is a habitual habit or an occasionally unavoidable circumstance, like an elephant on the motorway.

I’ve noticed by writing this story that though I am annoyed when people are late, I don’t say anything. In the future, I will voice my feelings instead of bottling up my feelings.

Luckily, my partner likes to be early for things. My ex-husband would still be in the bar ordering a drink when the last call for boarding a plane came. My preference was to wait outside the gate at least half an hour before it opened. He always got his way, resulting in me experiencing extreme anxiety. Not a good start to a holiday.

What about you? Are you late or early? Why do you think that is? Do you share my shame?

Whatever your habits, I hope you enjoyed this story. If you did and want to read some more, there are some others listed below.