Equality
Why Do Men Stay In Abusive Relationships?
Men have more reasons than you think.
My good friend is in an abusive relationship. After five months of indecisiveness, he finally had his first session with the therapist. He admitted that he is a man who is being abused by his pregnant girlfriend.
After two hours he received this advice — if she wasn’t pregnant, his therapist would advise him to take some time on his own to rebuild his boundaries because she believes that he is being emotionally, psychologically and at times physically abused by his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, his girlfriend is pregnant and it is not the “right” time to separate. So in blunt words, because his girlfriend is pregnant my friend should continue suffering.
We live in a world where women sympathise with women — especially pregnant women. It gives women a free pass. Being pregnant has somehow excused her for attacking him with a knife, biting his penis in rage, throwing away his work stuff and repeatedly threatening him.
Recently she also threatened that if he leaves he will never see their child.
My friend’s life is in pieces. He can’t take it anymore. He started the relationship with the best of his intentions, he thought she was nice, he wished to settle down with her and have a family and a quiet life.
Looking back now, he knows that they rushed into this relationship — they didn’t know each other well enough.
He secured her a flat, provides for her and when she got pregnant it was her decision to keep the baby as “all of her friends have babies” and he agreed. Now, a year later she is blaming him that because of the baby she doesn’t have a career, even though she had no job when she met him.
She has taken control of their finances, over which set of friends to associate with, control over how the child will be fed as she wants the child to be vegan. She dictates to him how often he may see his children from a previous relationship.
Men have a hard time seeing when they are giving up too much responsibility because they frequently believe that their role is limited to being the provider to the family. Father’s are as important as mothers are. They contribute to their kids and shape their emotional and psychological development.
Men have trouble seeing that they are being abused because they are told that they should be tough, strong and rarely show insecurities and they are here to always choose “the right thing” to do. My friend fears that if he chooses to put his well-being first he will be judged by society — for taking care of himself.
“I will become that guy who made children with different women and left them…”
He never left his children, he was denied by toxic women of his children. But that doesn’t make headlines. Women abuse make headlines.
To “do the right ”thing these men keep doing the wrong thing instead — they stay in toxic and abusive relationships because of multiple reasons.
“ I don’t want to lose my children”
My friend fears losing his children, he is scared of being hurt in the process of leaving. Fathers love their children and don’t want to be relegated to every other weekend or a Wednesday night — so they stay nearby and stay in abusive relationships for the sake of their children.
They fear that if they leave the mothers will tell their children false stories of why and how their father decided to leave. They will blame the father and the child will grow up with a perception that Daddy left because he didn’t love their kids.
Men are scared that they’ll never see their children again if they leave. The threat “I’ll never let you see the kids again,” is uttered in many divorce and child custody cases — but it starts earlier, this threat once said by a woman is never forgotten for the man. A woman knows this and they abuse their powers because the system is on their side.
So they keep using children whenever they feel threatened that their men are about to leave.
“Perhaps she will change and things will get better.”
Prior to my friend starting therapy, he has asked his girlfriend on multiple occasions to do counselling together. She declined. He still believes that things will change — I hope so too, but they rarely do.
Boundaries have been crossed, she has also threatened to tell her parents that he is beating her. My friend would never do that. It is her who has scratched, kicked and bruised him.
She is aware that he has made photos of his injuries and made videotapes of her attacks, to protect herself she is projecting her issues onto him.
“Nobody will believe you…”
Yes, she may be right. Society believes women — so he stays in the relationship and lets her attack him whenever he speaks his mind. Even after months of this repeated behaviour he still hopes that she can change without help— but the truth is that without professional intervention, change is hard.
She doesn't want outside help because she has no issues.
“What will the world say?”
Some men are programmed to think that they can and should save their abusive partners. The idea of leaving a spouse can induce feelings of guilt. He often excuses her behaviour himself — her father was an alcoholic, she had mental health issues, pregnancy is overwhelming.
He often forgets that the first time she punched him she wasn’t pregnant or that she drinks alcohol herself. Her father has nothing to do with him — her dad and her past issues are her excuses and he is falling for them.
At times he even thinks that he somehow deserves the abuse to which he has been subjected — he is a failure, his first marriage didn’t work out, he should be grateful for having such a beautiful and young girlfriend etc.
This lack of self-esteem is paralyzing him and keeping him stuck in an abusive and dangerous relationship.
“ I still love her very much”
My friend loves his girlfriend and even though she mistreats him his love for her is strong. He hopes that their love can overcome this situation and at times he downplays it.
“ It can’t be abuse, she is just feeling emotional.”
He is the man, the provider, the rock — it’s impossible that he is being emotionally and psychologically abused. Perhaps she is just too passionate and that’s why she threatens to stab him once in a while. And even though at times she may really hurt him he is a man so he should be able to handle that.
But no one is supposed to accept abuse. Abuse is not acceptable in any form or shape.
Society reinforces the idea that marital violence is sometimes acceptable. TV shows use the comedic situation of a wife hitting her husband too often.
“Put your man onto the leash” or “ a little slap will keep him in line” is frequently said used in our society. Can you imagine if it was okay to say on the TV
“A slap will calm that bitch down…”
I don’t think so.
Men don’t deserve to stay in abusive relationships. They are worthy of love and respect and you are man enough to stand up to the abuse from a woman.
You are enough: don’t let any woman tell you differently.
#Mentoo Maxwell Jordan
Want to read more and write yourself? SUBSCRIBE BELOW!