Who Pays For What When You’re Dating?

Dating With Confidence Series #12

This is #12 in the Dating With Confidence Series. Check out #1 to #11 plus the archives here.

When you think about going out on a date, you’re probably excited and wondering whether you’ll get on.

What will they be like? Will they be attractive or an exciting conversationalist?

I doubt that you are sitting at home worrying about who will pay for what. However, money does matter in a relationship.

Who you marry or set up a home with is one of the most important financial decisions you’ll ever make.

“Selecting a spouse who is smart with his or her finances can help establish a solid foundation. Together, the two of you can make investments, save for the future, plan trips, and encourage each other to make intelligent decisions.” — Choosing a spouse is one of the most important financial decisions you make, and marrying my husband was brilliant, Catherine Alford, The Simple Dollar, www.businessinsider.com

And the beginning of this journey is your first date.

I developed many strategies for coping with the world of dating, including my approach to money.

Here is what worked for me:

On the first date

I always planned the first date as a coffee date for various reasons. It’s safer as you don’t have to go out at night, find parking and walk to a bar alone.

It also is a shorter commitment with someone that you don’t know.

A coffee date is also relatively inexpensive. In New Zealand, coffee or tea will cost about five dollars, and that’s an affordable loss if the date bombs.

It also meant that if I went out with a man, he should be able to afford to pay for my coffee and his. I wouldn’t normally expect a man to pay for me on a date. The exception is the first coffee date.

“Today, we’re struggling a lot, both men and women, with finding out what we’re supposed to be. Like when you go on a first date, I always find it incredibly difficult to figure out whether I should reach for the check or not. I don’t want to presume anything, but I don’t want to be a ball-buster. A lot of rules are thrown up into the air and I think that maybe more than anything, we’re confused.” — Brigitte Hjort Sorensen.

If a man invited me for a coffee and then balked at forking out ten dollars, that’s a red flag. A couple of men I chatted to had to wait for payday to afford a coffee. Considering these men were in their forties, it did concern me.

My financial criteria for my dates weren’t too demanding. I did want someone that could afford to go out to dinner and a movie without it causing a significant problem.

And to clarify, I mean pay for their own dinner and movie, not mine.

One guy I went out with freaked out because the movie we went to see wasn’t included in the ‘cheap night Tuesday’ offer. Again, he was paying for himself, not for both of us.

Being on a tight budget is acceptable. But trying to date with next to no funding is problematic unless you are both in the same boat.

Second date

My second dates were usually lunch or another coffee. This time I expected to pay for myself or take turns.

My approach was that women are just as capable as men at earning money, and lunch isn’t a massive expense. Another consideration is if the man pays, he may assume that you owe him something.

“In a survey on love and finances conducted by Money and SurveyMonkey, 78% of respondents said they think men should pay on the first date. Out of the 4,447 participants, 20 percent disagreed, while 2 percent declined to answer.” — Allison McNearney, Money Survey: 78% Still Think Men Should Pay for the First Date, money.com

I’m not suggesting that every man who takes you for lunch expects sex — or anything else — in return; however, it does put you in a position of obligation.

I live in New Zealand, where it is very common for women to pay for themselves while out on a date.

You may live in a country where it’s traditional for the men to pay. Or you may come across a man who feels it is a job to pay because of his culture or upbringing.

Offer to pay your half of the bill and be prepared to pay. If your date says they will treat you, it is up to you whether you accept.

Third date onwards

If you start dating the same person regularly, many expenses will be incurred. Days out lunches, dinners, coffees and weekends away incur entry tickets, drinks, and food costs.

Early on, you need to ascertain what your date expects regarding how you split the bills. For example, if I go out with my girlfriends, we pay for what we have eaten. On dates, it’s more common to split the bill or take turns paying.

Who pays for what depends on who has the most available discretionary income, your culture, and what you both expect.

What’s essential is you talk about it and don’t assume your date has the means and the inclination to cover your lunch.

I was a second time around dater throughout my late 40s and early 50s.

Me and my single friends assumed that any men we dated would be financially stable. I’m not sure why we thought that. Gender stereotyping and unconscious bias, I imagine.

But it was not the case.

Many men have no savings, do not own their own homes, and struggle to manage on their income.

If you really like the guy, talk about finances because assuming he can afford to treat you all the time may not be the case.

Decision time

I was happy to date any man that could support himself.

Other women I’ve met have different expectations. They want a man to pay for everything and eventually support them.

A woman on a dating site shared she was planning a weekend away with a new boyfriend, and she was shocked when he talked about sharing the costs.

Her ex-husband had paid for everything, and having to pay her share hadn’t occurred to her. She posted a comment on the dating site forum asking if being expected to pay her share was normal.

She could have avoided that embarrassing situation if she had talked about who would fund the trip.

A male friend went on a date, and the lady asked how much he earned. When he told her it was mid-six figures, she said it wasn’t enough, and she got up and left.

Summary

Isn’t talking about how much money your date has a bit, well, mercenary?

Yes and no. You need to know what you want in a prospective partner, including their ability to financially contribute to your life together.

If you like the guy and he’s broke, and you want to date him anyway, go for it. Just make sure you create a financial plan together.

What about if you are the one with no cash? In that case, be honest and talk about it early on.

Money is one of the major sources of arguments between couples, so being able to talk about it is a valuable skill.

“According to nearly every survey on the topic, arguments about money have the dubious honor of being the number one source of conflict between married people.” — The №1 Reason Why Couples Fight (investopedia.com)

And if you’ve got any tips about dating and money, please leave them in the comments.