Never Say These 23 Things to Your Single Friends

If you care about them be kind instead

If you are single, have a look at my Dating With Confidence Series. Check out #1 to #9 plus the archives here.

I’ve been single for two extended periods in my life. Once in my early twenties, before I met my ex-husband and after we separated.

Though there were positives to both experiences of being single, I remember that coupled-up people are not always kind to singles.

I’ve also discovered now that I’m five years into a relationship that it’s very easy to flip viewpoints and wonder how I behaved when I was single. Nothing too scandalous, just attending a singles event alone, for example.

My current self wonders why I would ever have done such a thing. However, I remember that it seemed perfectly acceptable and reasonable at the time.

So when talking to your single friends, please remember that you’d be behaving like them if you were single.

Above all, avoid saying the following to your single friends. They may laugh it off, but you might be hurting them.

Twenty-three things not to say to your single friends

One: Haven’t you met anyone yet? You’ve been single for ages — They don’t need reminding of this. They know precisely how long they’ve been single, and they know every birthday, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day.

Two: You’re too fussy — No, they aren’t. They are entitled to look for someone they find interesting and attractive.

Three: You’re just a serial dater — That’s what dating is for, to find out if you like someone and they are a decent person.

Four: You’ll never get a man if you see red flags everywhere — If your friends are reporting red flags, believe them. Do you want your friends to get involved with a bully or someone who gambles away all their money?

Five: You have to be more feminine/masculine — They don’t need to be more of anything. Someone once said to me to try not to be so like myself on a date because it puts men off. Lovely.

Six: Maybe you’re just meant to be single — This is particularly cruel. Please don’t say this if you have any regard for your friend. It implies they are not lovable.

Seven: What’s wrong with your profile? You’re attracting the wrong sort of men /women— There is nothing wrong with your friend’s online profile. There are all sorts of people on dating sites, and no one can control who responds and leaves messages or what sort of messages they leave.

Eight: Don’t you think it might be your fault? You just can’t seem to keep a man/woman — You are missing the point. No one wants to keep someone who doesn’t want to be kept. And perhaps your friend isn’t too keen on keeping some of them.

Nine: What’s happened with the latest one? Is it over yet? I get them mixed up — Implying your friend has a catalog of men and flits about is not helpful.

Ten: All those dates and no boyfriend/girlfriend, there must be something wrong with you — There is nothing wrong with your friend, and they just haven’t met someone right for them yet.

Eleven: Just keep dating him/her. He/She’ll grow on you — Why should they do this? They are entitled to someone they are attracted to.

Twelve: I always find men/women really easily — If you look at the facts, you may be talking about a different context. For example, you met your husband at university, whereas your friend is divorced. Either way, it’s not helpful to your friend, and it’s a put-down.

Thirteen: I wouldn’t bother looking if I got single again — I’ve heard this many times from people only to find that they did bother very much when they became single again. It’s hard to imagine being single when you’ve been coupled up for years.

Fourteen: If I were single, I’d be happy on my own — Easy to say. I remember being told this by someone who was secretly in a relationship. You do not know how you would feel if you were single again.

Fifteen: It’s so sad you’re single. I wish you could meet someone — Another put down, no one wants your pity.

Sixteen: Ugh, I’m glad I’m not out there having to put up with all those weirdos you’re telling me about — Going on a date with someone who showcases themselves as kind and genuine and finding out they are horrible is not fun. Don’t rub it in. It’s not your friend’s fault people behave badly.

Seventeen: He/she sounds weird — If your friend likes him, they’re fine. You don’t have to date them.

Eighteen: I’m so glad I’m not single — Another put down. If you are ever single, let’s hope people are kinder to you.

Nineteen: People get weird when they’ve been single too long — People also get weird when they’ve been married too long as well.

Twenty: I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Just get someone in to fix the cooker/bad plumbing/leaking shower/wiring — Dealing with all the stresses of being a homeowner alone is very stressful as there is no-one to bounce ideas off and only one salary to pay for everything.

Twenty-one: Aren’t you worried you’ll miss out on having kids if you wait too long? — Please don’t say this. It’s cruel.

Twenty-two: You’ll end up an old maid — Rude! Plus, the concept of ‘old maid’ is outdated.

Twenty-three: I don’t know how you’ve got the energy. I’d rather stay in with a good book. It must be exhausting — It’s easy to stay in with a good book when your partner is sitting next to you.

Summary

Being single can be fun, exciting, liberating, and life-changing. But it can also be a challenge and very wearing for people who have been single a long time and would like a partner.

Even flippant comments that aren’t meant, or things you say to tease or as a joke, can hurt your friend.

Please remember to be kind.

I write about leadership & training, and I’ve designed The New Leader’s Starter Kit to help leaders communicate with their teams. Get your free copy here — The New Leader’s Starter Kit takes you through how to run One-to-Ones and Constructive Feedback sessions & develop professional listening skills — a printable one-to-one form, feedback form and listening skills checklist included.