Fear | Overcoming Obstacles | Healing

When Fear Is Holding You Hostage …

How to get your life back

“Always do what you are afraid to do.”— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve faced many demons in my lifetime. Not before running from them for a good while first, beginning in my earliest adult years and responding to the abuse of my childhood and a short-lived, unwanted teen marriage. I hid from those demons in promiscuity, misguided and unhealthy relationships, an addiction that kept me from feeling my worst fears, and other self-destructive behaviours before finally setting myself on a decades-long path of healing.

The more I ran from my demons, the more of them I found. Maybe you can relate? I hope not. But I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who can’t in one way or another.

One of the worst demons has been Fear. It’s one nasty piece of work, isn’t it? Craziest S.O.B. you could hope to meet. Or rather, hope not to meet. I’ll tell you the longer story of my battle with Mr Crazy Pants sometime (’cause holy smoke, that rotten pinhead did a major number on me in trashing my life and my health for years, and yay! I WON!!!). But for now, I want to give you the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version because this particular demon has been the cause of, and reason for, all the others.

I should clarify: all by himself, he doesn’t scare me anymore. I’ve learned how to wipe him out in so many ways. But you see, he’s sneaky. He’s found a crack. A way in. And he’s all set to torment me again.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not really sure how I’m gonna get beat the miserable creep again. I only know that I will, if it’s the last thing I ever do.

So here’s the thing. I’ll be honest, for a good long while I’ve been hiding from my nemesis of the past 14-ish months. Yep. Straight up, being a complete coward. To cut myself a little slack, there was a good part of that time when I didn’t even have to think about the ugly jerk. He had vanished for months. It was easy to shove him into the darkest parts of my mind with all the other ugly stuff I’ve vanquished.

But then autumn rolled around. And before long, Fear was back. Yep. Quietly at first. Lurking. Teasing. And I was able to ignore him for a while.

Since he reared his ugly head a few months back, I’ve still managed to avoid him most of the time, but yesterday I had to stare him down. It was the first of countless battles that are stretched out in front of me.

“The war is on,” he sneered with a laugh. “And you ain’t never gonna win.”

Yeah. Well, we’ll see about that.

Yesterday’s battle was nothing short of terrifying. You see, he’d brought his New Bestie along to torment me. This is the thing about Fear; he delights in teaming up with something — anything — and in particular, finding your weak spots — and then uses them to send you scurrying into dark corners all by yourself where you do your best to hide from them and the rest of the world. To hide from your life. To keep you small and under his control. And that’s no fun at all.

Just the way he likes it.

Well, nearly 14 months ago, Fear teamed up with Ice. After carefully picking my way across hard-packed, super slippery snow to a supposedly safe piece of shovelled sidewalk, my boots met with some black ice that was hiding in a little pool of melted snow. Down I went with a loud crack! as I hit the concrete.

I had torn the quadriceps right off the bone and my kneecap was badly broken. After surgical repair, the following months were horrific for many reasons. I was facing a long and painful journey. I had no idea I would have to learn how to walk again.

I’m not there yet. Although yay! A couple of months ago, on a few good days — thanks to my cane — I was able to make it down the three flights of stairs where I live, and hobble across the street to a supermarket. A major milestone. A year on, I had achieved a much-needed bit of independence again, as I live alone and am short on helping hands.

But I live in Southern Alberta. As the summer ended and autumn approached, I felt the first cold fingers of Fear and his best buddy, Ice, wrapping themselves around my throat. I knew it was just a matter of time; I would have to face these rotten bastards again. Not just once. But for the rest of my life. Even if I were to ever live somewhere that doesn’t have icy conditions, there could be times I have to deal with them.

I refuse to let these two rotten pinheads team up against me and win. I refuse to let them destroy my life and dictate whether I can leave my home and get out to do things I need or want to do.

But to be honest with you, I don’t know how I’m going to get there. I admit that right now, the two of them have me firmly in their grasp. I can’t even begin to tell you how horrific the past year has been and I’m not out of the woods for this whole healing and recovery thing. I can’t stand the tiniest glimpse into those earlier dark and excruciating days. The thought of another injury sends me reeling.

I’m terrified to leave my home when it’s slippery, even just to take out the rubbish. I keep my eye weather reports, waiting for temps above freezing in hopes that the snow and ice will have melted enough that I can get to the bin and back without having to walk on slippery surfaces. It’s not that far outside my building. But it might as well be on the bloody moon.

It doesn’t help that I was being extremely careful the day I fell. And it doesn’t help that more than one year on, I’m still healing. My knee is massively swollen. My leg is still discoloured and bruised. I’m restricted in movement and still have a lot of pain.

The point is … immediately after my injury, I was able to avoid the rest of autumn, plus an entire winter and spring because I was physically unable to get out without help. I didn’t have to face Fear and Ice in those first several months of recovery (and here in Southern Alberta, we can get snow and ice for a good 6–8 months of the year).

But now winter is well and truly here. There is no one to take out my rubbish and recycling. And as much as I appreciate grocery delivery and the gods of Amazon to see to the essentials in my shopping needs, I want my independence back.

Unless I beat the hell out of Fear and Ice, they’ll hold me hostage in my home. And here’s The Thing: They can only do it if I let them.

I’m not giving up my life for them. I’m not handing over my happiness on a platter to those soul-destroying beasts.

Hell, I used to walk miles at a time in icy conditions. Even in my high-heeled shoes on the way to and from work when I couldn’t afford boots as a single mum years ago. Never gave “slipping” a thought.

So yesterday, I stared down these terrifying tricksters. I’d made some shortbread cookies and I wanted to take some to the ladies who work in the management office here. But it’s across the driveway from me. That meant this was between me and them:

I can’t even tell you how frightened I was. I paused and stared at the ice and snow. Although I need my cane because I’m unsteady on my feet, I knew it wouldn’t prevent me falling if I slipped. In fact, it might even make it more likely. The cane could slip and take me down with it.

My heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest. Adrenalin flooded through my veins. I began to tremble. A wave of nausea rolled through my entire body and for a moment, I thought I would be sick.

I stared at that little bit of icy road as if it were Evil Incarnate. Utterly terrified, a few fearful tears stung my eyes. My chest was tight; was I even breathing? I wasn’t sure.

I thought about turning back. I didn’t really have to face Fear and Ice right then, in that moment, did ? I could wait for another day. Maybe when I’ve healed a bit more. Maybe when I have less pain and I’m steadier on my feet. Maybe when I’m no longer haunted by the terrible memories of the past year. Maybe when I’m 107. Oh, wait, maybe when Hell freezes over …

Damn it. Nope. NO. You’re not going to win, you lousy bastards!

I drew in a deep breath. I took my first tiny, hesitant step, careful about where I placed my boot, well aware that I was wearing the same boots the day I slipped and altered the course of my life.

Anxiety fought hard to become panic, and it might have succeeded if that little stretch of road had been much longer. But I managed to talk myself through one tiny step at a time until finally, I got to the pavement on the other side. I fought back tears of relief, and quickly remembered I wasn’t done yet. I still had to get back home.

I delivered the cookies to the office ladies and told them that this had been my first time facing the ice alone since my injury. I said how terrified I was. One of them was so sweet; she offered to get her coat and help me across the road.

I thanked her for her kindness, and declined, adding that I have to face this at some point. I can’t live in Alberta and avoid snow and ice — not unless I’m willing to let Fear hold me hostage and keep me trapped in my home. Again. I’ve suffered from anxiety disorders and agoraphobia in the past.

I will never, ever go there again. No matter what.

I left the office, feeling the tiniest hint of “maybe I can do this” as I faced the road again. But I crossed in a different place. On the other side, there were about 4 feet of solid ice. Jeez, Louise … I did my best to work my way around it, finding smaller patches and finally made it back to safety.

Can I say I kicked Fear’s @$$ and I’m good to go next time?

Not on your life.

But I did show it who’s boss. I’m set to do battle with this S.O.B. and although I’ve declared war and I’m determined to win, I’m also mindful of my physical limitations and challenges right now. I’m not going to be stupid about it. I must still respect Ice and the fact that I’m still having trouble walking on safe, flat surfaces, including in my own home.

As much as I want to stare down Fear as I’ve done so many times before, and kick his @$$ to the curb, I can’t let my determination and tenacity be my undoing. Um, it wouldn’t be the first time. 🙄

My invitation: I would love to see your submissions on how Fear has impacted your life. Have you ever let it stop you? How have you overcome it? Is it still holding you hostage? What are you doing to move past it?

As always at HHH, there is no deadline for any of this. My invitations are simply meant to inspire you to think — and write — about some aspect of your own life and experience.

Contest Update 💰💰💰

Witchy and I have been thrilled to see the response to our contest!! A hearty “thank you!” to those of you who have entered with your great stories! Please check out the submissions and leave your comments. They’ll help the decision-making team.

Will you be the $50 winner?

Details and entry requirements here.

DEADLINE EXTENSION!! 🎉🎁

With the holidays keeping people extra busy, I’ve extended the contest deadline to Dec. 27 at midnight, MST.

Witchy Fun

Witchy wanted to share this drawing about something that happened to her friend, Mr. Snowman … oh, dear. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And with 2024 approaching, she wanted to share this story, as it might be helpful as you reflect on the current year and look ahead at how you’d like the new one to be:

One Final Note

The holidays are around the corner. If this is a difficult time for you, please know you’re not alone. I’ve certainly been there … I know how hard this time of year can be.

Reach out to your Medium community and to our Pub Family here at Hope, Healing and Humour. We’ll do our best to listen and support, and to help you through the emotionally turbulent days ahead. And remember, January is a blink away!

And to those of you who are looking forward to the holidays, Witchy and I wish you a joyous festive period and hope that all your dreams come true!

I would also like to offer a heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you in our beloved Pub Family, and in our Medium community. I appreciate the love and support you’ve shown me — and Li’l Witchy, too! I also appreciate the support you’ve shown Hope, Healing and Humour and your many kind comments about this publication.

I’ve had an absolutely hellish year and having healed enough to finally get back to Medium was already a big deal, bringing community, warmth and connection back into a dreadfully dismal, painful, and lonely time.

And then to re-open my publication and have it so warmly received, and to have previous writers return and new ones request to join — my heart is full of love and appreciation for every one of you who has given me the precious gift of seeing our Pub Family thriving once again.

I will do my best as your editor to continue to build and nurture this publication, and your own journeys as writers and as the beautiful souls you are.

Keep shining your precious Light! The world needs your sparkle!

And speaking of shining your Light — here are the submissions since the last Newsletterish:

Debbie Soderberg Kirchner spends a magical day loading up former students with hugs and being topped up with a lot of love and joy:

Jolka gives us some insights into “Monkey Mind” and what you can do so it doesn’t derail you:

Sherry Atkinson offers compassion and gentle support for those who are grieving during this festive period — a truly lovely piece with helpful insights to get through the coming days:

JonesPJ pours her heart into an incredibly distressful situation and with sheer determination, somehow manages to achieve the impossible:

Carolina Smith has written a lovely, inspiring poem about the fresh start and transformation that comes with the Star card in the Tarot deck, along with the beautiful story of a very special “fresh start” that changed her life:

Jolka shares her insights about how to get through those really dark times that leave you feeling like a failure, or you just don’t know what to do next:

And more contest entries for Witchy’s fun question!

Please read and comment on these stories, as this will be taken into account in the decision-making process!

Alan AJ’s desk is the scene of a few jabs and arguments that had me chuckling the whole way through!

Karen Schwartz almost has to ring the fire department when her “desk friends” get a little out of control:

Suma Narayan’s granddaughter is shocked by some of the behaviour amongst the occupants of the desk caddy …

Qaiser Khan offers a more serious and thought-provoking interpretation of Witchy’s question, sharing beautiful insights about these simple tools:

Anne Emerick’s desktop is loaded with existential crisis, sweet relationships, and some thought-provoking conversation:

Seda Anbarcı nearly chokes on her sandwich as a soap opera unfolds on her desk…

TzeLin Sam has written a fun story with a surprise ending that made me laugh out loud!

Tagging our beloved Pub Family — with gratitude to you for your ongoing support of Hope, Healing and Humour!

Kris Bedenian Rodney Brazier Patti Murray Voncannon Carrie Kolar Croix Sather Deb Fiore Dina Alexander DL Nemeril Donnette Anglin Loren Lieberthal Jimmy Misner Jr. Judy Millar Julie Gaeta Pene Hodge Karen Schwartz James Knight Dr. Preeti Singh Radhika Iyer Sam Branstner Umme Salma Tamil T Mann Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles Lion~ Wendy S. Bradfield Yana Bostongirl Jo An Fox-Wright Maddox Suma Narayan Penny Walsh Shameem Anwar Irene Fassler Sandy Peckinpah Trista Signe Ainsworth Slow train Ashley Nicole B.R. Shenoy Carolyn Hastings Christina Christine Vann, MSc. Ellie Jacobson Isabel Young Kaz Rochford Nia Simone McLeod Nicole Hilbig Patricia Wright Pam Winter Jodian Marie Thomas, MS, Bsc, Asc L Burton Danielle Hestand Sahil Patel Malky McEwan Barbara Cook Tyra Jaide Eko BP Drashti Shroff Evergreen Eden Bernie Pullen Rhea Anglesey CARMEN F MICSA Robin Oakman Mary Vraa Libby Shively McAvoy Kristina God Niall Leah Debbra Lupien, Voice of the Akashic Records Toya Qualls-Barnette Vashni Stories Dawn :) Divya Goswami BichoDoMato Evon Carole Olsen Sharon Sayler, Author Jennifer Dunne Kylie van Gelder Neha Sonney, Author Christina Sponias Ian Hanson JF Danskin Patrick OConnell Mary V Elvie Lins❤️ Carmellita Gauri Sirur Kristie Leong M.D. IJaveria Ansari Asim Nori Dipo Adebayo Andreia Damian Jenine Bsharah Baines Jodi Marie Mahein Kazi Mario López-Goicoechea Raine Lore Vishal Mehta Aarti Tailor A Rustic Mind (Manali Desai) Mona S Gable Anne Emerick Andra Forbes Anaya Nosso Kasturi Patra Mary B Mel Janecka Rebecca Romanelli Life not abrupt (L.n.a.) Rebecka Rose Hollie Petit, Ph.D. Michael Mallen Gauri Sirur Raine Lore Penny Walsh CARMEN F MICSA, MA in English, podcaster Mary V Marilyn Flower Srini James Beaufait Joe Merkle Rupa Mahanti Binky Ink Writing Trisha Faye John Antony Mario López-Goicoechea Sherry Atkinson Seda Anbarcı Ella de Jong Katherine Myrestad HAPPINESS + WEALTH ⭐ Nathan Chen Zeenat Merchant Syal, M.A, M.Sc Ben Ulansey Brandon Kam Victoria Kjos J Oliver Dempsey Binky Ink Writing Karen Schwartz AJ Carrie Kolar TzeLin Sam Sally Prag Jenine “Jeni” Baines Vera-Marie Landi Alan (AJ) Autistic Widower Rebecca A Emrich Grace Delphia Simply Sophia Sheri Jacobs Ella de Jong Tamara Embrey Trisha Faye Carolina Smith Janet Meisel Elena dL Daniel Ng JonesPJ Nathan Chen Amir Bibi Rick Allen Helen Gilmore Marcus aka Gregory Maidman OCTAVIA EVER AFTER Qaiser Khan Benighted Sharon Johnson Julie KingGood Nina Sklansky Debbie Soderberg Kirchner Jolka Maria Rattray Shereen Bingham Kyle Wells Cristina Cattai Charisse Tyson