Hope * Healing * Humour

Celebrating Your First Christmas Without a Loved One

Nurturing joy amidst loss

Aching Absence: The Firsts After Loss

After a protracted fight with cancer, a friend of mine, Ann, lost her 49-year-old son, Chris, this past summer. Knowing that the “firsts” following a loss were the most difficult, I messaged her before Thanksgiving to let her know she was on my mind. She responded that Thanksgiving was particularly sad because her son always enjoyed her cooking, and this was the time of year when he loved to eat his favorite holiday foods as only she could make them.

Memories, Grief, and the Holiday Season

The holidays can be a time of immense joy and celebration, but for those who have recently lost a loved one, like Ann and her family, the season can feel filled with overwhelming grief and longing. The absence of a familiar presence and the echoes of cherished traditions can leave us feeling lost and alone.

Preparation for Christmas often comes with a pang of longing for the shared moments and the absence of a dear presence. The ache of setting up decorations or baking favorite treats without their laughter or guidance can be overwhelming. I always prepared our holiday meals with my mom and didn’t realize how much I relied on her giving me instructions as we cooked. The first holiday meal I cooked by myself felt so lonely.

But within these rituals lies a chance to honor the memory of our beloved. A grieving widow once shared with me that her friends seemed to avoid mentioning her husband’s name during holiday gatherings or quickly changed the subject if conversations with her friends turned to jokes about their husbands.

I commented that maybe they were afraid to upset her by talking about him. “But I want to talk about him, just like I always have. He did live!” So, don’t be afraid to share stories and fond memories of Christmas past. It’s also okay if you don’t want to talk in a particular situation. There are no rules about how to grieve.

Five Gentle Suggestions for Grieving Hearts

Even in the midst of sorrow, there is still space for hope and healing. Here are five suggestions, not rules, to help you navigate the holidays after loss:

1. Acknowledge your grief and allow yourself to feel.

Pushing down your emotions will only prolong the pain. Acknowledge your sadness, loneliness, and even anger. Instead of suppressing these feelings, embrace them gently. Allow yourself to express them through tears, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. It’s okay to acknowledge the ache and void their absence leaves behind. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

2. Embrace Your Traditions or Create New Ones.

The holidays are often filled with traditions, and it’s okay to hold onto them if they bring comfort. However, certain traditions may be too painful, reminding you of the absence of your loved one. Don’t be afraid to create new traditions that honor your loved one’s memory or simply bring you joy. Consider incorporating their favorite traditions or dedicating a part of the celebration to reminisce about the favorite moments shared.

You might find it helpful to change things up. Start a new tradition, like volunteering in your loved one’s memory at a local charity. My friend Ann couldn’t face celebrating Thanksgiving by cooking all the family favorites without Chris being present. So, her youngest son, a professional chef at a 5-star restaurant, stepped up and created a feast that kept a few of the family’s traditional dishes but introduced them to entirely new entrees that the family enjoyed. It was different, but still a celebration of Thanksgiving.

3. Celebrate in a Different Environment.

Sometimes, being in the same place where you celebrated past holidays with your loved one can be overwhelming. This year, consider changing your environment. Visit friends or family in a different city, plan a holiday trip, or simply stay home and create a cozy atmosphere. Shifting your surroundings can provide a sense of change and alleviate some of the pressure associated with traditional celebrations.

My mother passed away in October 1982. The first Christmas after her passing, my father and I decided to spend Christmas at Disney World. That may sound odd, but as an only child, the thought of being in my childhood home without my mom was too painful to bear. Seeing the joy on the faces of the children helped my spirit. While I still missed my mother, seeing families celebrating with their children buoyed my sense of the happiness of Christmas. Not everyone will choose to go someplace different, but creating a smaller celebration is another way to make a change.

4. Focus on Gratitude.

While it’s natural to focus on what you’ve lost, taking time to appreciate the blessings you still have can be a powerful way to shift your perspective. It is possible to cultivate gratitude. Gratitude for the moments you shared, the lessons learned, and the love that continues to guide you through this difficult time. Gratitude can be the beam of light guiding you to find comfort in the love that remains a constant presence in your heart.

5. Surround Yourself with Love.

Connect with loved ones who understand your pain and offer support. Share stories about your loved one, laugh together, and create new memories to help you heal.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. What works for one person may not work for another. Honor your feelings, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to find comfort and joy during this challenging time. The holidays can still be meaningful and hopeful, even amidst loss.

This Christmas, may you find solace in honoring your loved one’s memory, cherishing the love that continues to endure, and embracing the joy that can still emerge from the most profound sorrows. You are not alone, and your journey through this season is valid. May you find peace, comfort, and perhaps a renewed sense of joy in the midst of your pain.

About the author:

As a medical social worker and coordinator of the first public health hospice program in Birmingham, Alabama, I became a requested speaker and consultant to assist families and organizations in navigating the grief process. In private practice as a clinical social worker, the primary focus of my practice continued to support individuals and families coping with loss. It was my privilege to guide people through grieving to a place of hope and healing while continuing to embrace the love and memory of their beloved.

Liberty Forrest, Author, thank you for revving up Hope*Healing*Humour again. It’s the perfect name for this time of year. You are an inspiration! I appreciate your “paying it forward” policy of featuring other writers when submitting to your pub. I am pleased to present these three writers — all address surviving the Christmas holidays.

For a personal account of navigating the holidays when dealing with “Loneliness, Grief, Financial Strain… It’s not all fun and games,” Nat wants you to know that you are not alone if the holidays are difficult due to “life.”

Sheronda Lofton offers suggestions for supporting others who are experiencing loss and depression during the holidays.

And on a lighter note, so that you can end with a smile, Bebe Nicholson makes her misfortunes so funny that you can’t help but laugh! Enjoy!