Understanding your love language

Our love languages go a long way in defining the style of affection we need to feel happy and fulfilled.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships, like any other thing in this life, are both complex and dynamic. When we come together to create a future with someone we love, we can find ourselves up against a number of elements or obstacles that make it hard to stay connected and true. By learning how to define the way we love, and the things which we need to feel loved, we can better protect our relationships and better navigate the chaos that is modern day life.

We can create this definition by digging into the way we express love, also known as our “love language”. There are 5 major love languages and, by familiarizing ourselves with them, we can start to see what both we and our partners need in order to create lasting and meaningful relationships. Being in love has never been easy, but it’s made simpler when we’re clear, honest and concise with our partners. Determining our love languages allows us to do all that, and then some; leading to greater happiness and fulfillment for all involved.

What are love languages?

The idea of love languages was originally introduced by Gary Chapman in his famous relationship self-help book, The Five Love Languages. Based on a psychological model, Chapman categorized the things that are generally found useful in modern partnerships while also determining whether or not those categories represented real, tangible things. The two mainstays of his model were this: that we all operated within 5 general “languages” and that we all focused primarily on one language above all others. But are these languages real? Yes. When you consider it within the context of how we express love.

Love langauges don’t just come down to how often we say “I love you” or when. They’re actually a culmination of desires, behaviors, reactions, words and deeds. Romantic relationships are a dynamic thing, constantly shifting and changing in ways that can make it seem hard to keep up. By pinpointing the ways in which we express our love, affection and gratitude for those we love most, we can empower ourselves to create more meaningful and gratifying relationships. It’s a process, though, and one which can take a lot of time and introspection — if that isn’t a journey you’ve already engaged with.

The 5 core love languages.

There are 5 different love languages, and they each react and interact with one another differently. While we all mainly focus on one primary language, there’s never a one-size-fits-all solution to this sort of concept. Though you might be someone who appreciates acts of service now, words of affirmation might hold equal value to you and vice versa.

Acts of service

When we are boosted by acts of service, we require action rather than words to feel secure and loved in our relationships. Though words are pretty, they aren’t enough for person to whom demonstrations speak greater volumes. Rather than being motivated by obligation, the person whose love language centers around acts of service strives to consider their partner’s ultimate happiness, and expresses their love through little positive acts daily.

Words of affirmation

This is a love language that really focuses on the words that we use, and the way we utilize them in order to connect with our partners. When your love language centers around words of affirmation, you use verbal compliments to let your partner know you care — which build up over time to boost your partner’s sense of security and self. Likewise, if this is your partner’s language of love they might require a lot of verbal praise or confirmation.

Receiving gifts

Though this love language often gets tossed aside as “materialistic” there is so much more to receiving and giving gifts within a relationship. Meaningful and thoughtful gifts can make your partner feel loved. Likewise, receiving small, unexpected gifts can be a great boost to our happiness and our sense of security. Gifts need not be major, and they need not the expensive or even material in nature. Gifts of time, physical affection and even shared experiences are great ways to demonstrate affection within this love language.

Physical touch

Physical touch is an important part of any relationship, but it’s also a love language that is a major component of romantic happiness to many. To those who live with this love language, physical intimacy with their partner is more important and impactful than any words, time or deeds spent together. This contact need not always be sexual, but it does need to be regular in order for the partner to feel fulfilled.

Quality time

Quality time is one of the best ways in which we can bond and connect with our partners, but it’s also a major love language that can help you to unlock happiness in your relationship. When we seek out quality time with a loved one, it’s not about what you’re doing or where. It’s about undivided attention, and the need to be together without the disruption of major distractions. The partner whose main love language resides in this realm is one who needs regular time sharing experiences and uninterrupted time together.

The benefits of defining your love language.

Surprisingly, there are a number of benefits to defining your primary or even secondary (or sub-secondary) love languages. Learning the way we connect requires digging deep, and that leads to some major actualization and self-realization both within and without. Digging into our love languages allows us to recognize our own power and worth, but it also allows us to see it better in others — leading to improved relationships and sense of self all around.

Stronger relationships

Getting on the same page with our love languages creates stronger bonds between ourselves and our partners, and allows us to unlock new opportunities to connect in meaningful ways. When we focus on sharing our needs with spouses, it gets all the unnecessary and impossible expectations out of the way so that both parties can be clear about needs and desires.

Better interpersonal connections

It’s not all about romance when it comes to determing our love languages. Though they help us unlock the power of our romantic relationships, they can also help to improve the quality of our other relationships, friendships and connections as well. Exploring our inner world reveals a lot about the way we deal with our family, friends and even co-workers, which can then in turn better reveal where they’re coming from in time of conflict or stress.

More self-realization

Defining your array of love languages requires a lot of internal digging and self-reflection, which not only brings you closer to our authentic self but also empowers you to take charge of your own life. The more time you spend getting to know who you are, the more time you spend realizing just how strong, resilient and capable you actually are. That’s why figuring out your love language can actually help you to create the ultimate relationship you’ve been dreaming of.

Determining your love langauge.

There are several questions you can ask yourself in order to determine your love language, but they all require some time and brutal honesty in order to answer accurately. Each answer can lead you to a different result, but each question can be answered only when you’re aligned with your true and authentic needs.

What do I need from a partner when I’m down?

Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Let your mind wander back to a time when you were feeling down within a serious relationship. What did your partner do to comfort you? Did they compliment you? Inspire you? Give you a little tough love? Take a step back and compare their actions, words or behavior to the image of what you would ideally like in order to feel comfortable within a partnership. Do you need someone who physically scoops you up? Or do you need someone who inspires you with a pep talk any time you’re struggling? The answer could equal big revelations.

The worst thing a partner can do?

When we’re in a serious relationship, there are an array of things our partners can do that can irritate us, anger us, or even hurt us beyond repair. Part of determining our love languages is determining what those things are, and defining what the worst thing is our partners could do to make our relationships feel meaningless or empty. Depending on your love language, this could be a lack of physical gifts, withholding physical affection, working too much or even criticizing the things that you enjoy.

When do I feel supported?

In order to be happy and in order to feel secure in a partnership, we have to feel as though we’re supported — no matter what. This looks different from person-to-person, couple-to-couple, but it’s a critical component no matter the relationship. To some partners, this support might look like going out together and creating shared experiences, gifting one another with small (but significant) gifts, or even just distracting you when things get bad or stepping in to save the day with heroic action (when possible).

How does my partner handle upsets?

Relationships are full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Though we all like to think we’re going to ride off into the sunset, the fact of the matter is that life gets in the way. Ask yourself what you need from partner when life (or your relationship) gets tough. Do you want someone who let’s you know up front when things are off? Or do you want someone that just sucks it up, helps you reorganize, and makes it up to you when they screw up. There might be a different answer for different scenarios, but only you can determine that.

Do spontaneous shows of love matter?

For decades now, Hollywood and self-help articles have touted the power of spontaneous shows of affection…and they’re right. When we find ourselves in a relationship, unprompted demonstrations of love are important, as they remind us of our shared connection and the unique beauty and grace of our partners on a regular basis. Just as with gifts, these spontaneous shows aren’t just about big-ticket presents or spending. They can be as simple as a compliment on fashion or style; or even taking time away from work to bond, or enjoy a big day out.

How to share your love language with your partner.

Simply knowing your love language, or that of the person you’re engaging with isn’t enough. You also have to realize that knowledge with action, by syncing up your needs and desires with that of your partner’s. We can do this by leaning to communicate honestly, taking action where necessary and stepping back when required. All love and all human interaction is a give and take. Create space for your needs, but leave room for your partner’s as well and understand that not all languages are compatible.

1. Communicate openly and honestly

The first step in syncing-up our love langauges is learning how to open up with our partners and engage them in a brutally honest dialogue. Only when we really get truthful about what we need can we create space for our partners to do the same. Sometimes, we have to be the one to take the first leap — as uncomfortable as that may be — and open the dialogue that opens the door to a better partnerships and stronger bonds.

After you’ve taken some time to consider your own perspective and needs, share them with your partner and don’t shy away from aspects that you think might make them uncomfortable. If you need more sex, say it. If you need more communication — say it. Be honest about what you need, and share with them your reasons for needing it (as long as you feel comfortable doing so).

Communicating isn’t just about making your points, however. It’s also about creating space for your partner to realize and share their own without criticism or judgement. Listen actively, and ask your partner or spouse questions. Consider what acts of service mean to them. Consider what words they might need from your regularly in order to feel as though you love them and support them in this life. Though successful relationships require keeping ourselves in-sight, they also require making space for another person too. As much as you share and open up, encourage your partner to do the same.

2. Take action

Though some love languages are more action-centered than others, all require a certain level of stepping up and showing our affections — even if that’s only extending a verbal compliment or two. Once you and your partner have determined your love languages, you then have to get them in-sync by taking the action that is needed in order to make both yourselves and the other person feel secure, loved and fulfilled.

If your partner is someone who needs physical touch, focus on bringing in more hugs, kisses and intimate affection into your partnership. Consciously focus on warming yourself up to them, and actively seek them out for physical touch regularly. Likewise, if your partner or spouse is someone who needs words of affirmation, send them an unexpected love letter or text them someone sweet and from-the-heart.

The other languages too can require creating special moments (quality time) or going out of the way to help with chores around the house (acts of service). There are a number of actions you can take to make not only yourself feel more secure within your relationship, but steps that will make your partner feel happier and more secure too. Getting to those actions, however, requires that initial honesty and the commitment to put in work each and every day.

3. Avoid the unnecessary

When we don’t know our primary love language — or that of our partner or spouse — it can make it really hard to pinpoint what’s needed in time of trouble or, indeed, in times of happiness and success. We take a lot of unnecessary action when we don’t know what we need, and we expend a lot of unnecessary energy on conflict, disappointed expectations and heartache when we fail to pinpoint the critical factors of a happy relationship. All of these things come only from exploration of self and relationship.

Stop taking action when words are needed. Stop spending money on expensive gifts when what you both really need is quality time together creating memories. When you share your love languages, you allow yourself to connect in new ways and focus only on the things that actually matter to your both. It’s a powerful way to boost your sense of security and sense of partnership, but it’s also a great way to avoid the pain that partnerships can entail.

If your partner is someone who requires words of affirmation, make sure you tell them how much you appreciate them, and avoid seeming ungrateful or unappreciative. If they require physical touch and companionship, don’t starve them of your company. Dropping the distractions and focusing on the things we actually want can help us get clear on a lot of things. This is an especially powerful way to recognize any disconnects, or any major mismatches between your partner’s love language and your own.

4. Focus on little things

Any time we try to “fix” a relationship, we tend to focus on grand overhauls and demonstrations of “doing things different”. This more often-than-not, however, leads to disappointed standards and impossible expectations that make little sense when we really sit down to look at them. Avoiding this pitfall is crucial, but it also takes a little creativity. By actually focusing on the little things, we can make a bigger impact on our relationships and the needs of both ourselves and our partners.

Once you’ve identified the areas that need work between the two of you, don’t look to undo or redo everything overnight. Instead, sit down with your partner and come up with small, meaningful ways that you can incrementally change the way you do things or vice versa. Don’t book that once-in-a-lifetime holiday trip when a nice dinner in the next town over will do. Though grand can be good, it can also be disappointing. So, save the big gestures for a big and meaningful time (ie starting a business, buying a house, having a child, getting married, etc.)

Starting small can seem like the most uncomfortable or foreign things in the world, but it’s actually one of the best ways to meet our goals and enact great and meaningful change within our lives and relationships. If all your partner needs is a simple “I love you,” a few times a day — pencil it into the calendar and make sure it happens for two weeks straight. Once you’ve met that quota, get creative and find another way to give your partner the same experience in a new and exciting way.

5. Find the meaning behind “I love you”

The words “I love you,” should be at the center of everything we do for our partners, be it easy or hard — action or inaction. Love langauges are just that — languages that allow us to connect and bond with our partners on different planes and angles. When we find the real meaning behind the words, “I love you,” and learn how to demonstrate that meaning in other words and actions, we have unlocked the true secret to meaningful relationship, and the key to a happy one as well.

Don’t focus on the words behind the phrase, “I love you,” learn how to focus on the concept instead. Love isn’t just about words or just about action. True love is where the rubber of our words meets the pavement of action, creating a journey that is shared between two in a way that empowers us to reach our full potential. When we realize what real love is, we allow ourselves to reach greater heights of compassion and understanding, but we have to embrace the fact that love is conscious choice and a battle that must be fought as bravely and as fiercely as life’s own.

Love isn’t about shaping someone else or bending them to your will. It’s not about changing them, and it certainly isn’t about causing them pain or teaching them some kind of lesson that you have decided is “karmic”. It’s letting go of expectations and understanding that the petty stuff has to get left behind so that we can embrace our partners for the fullness of what they are. Don’t just give your partner empty words or empty deeds. Look at them and remember why they are love to you, then put that meaning behind everything you do and say for them.

6. Stay individual

No one person is exactly like another, and no one person speaks a single love language alone. We all have different experiences, that give us slightly different perspectives, and it is these perspectives that inform the love languages we speak and the ways in which we connect with those we love. You have to remember the individual that you are in order to remain happy as a couple, and you have to stay focused on your romantic needs as well as those needs of your partner.

Just because you speak love language now does not mean you cannot learn to speak another. Just because your primary focus now is “Acts of Service” doesn’t mean it isn’t also “Quality Time”. As individuals, there is more to us than this one or that one. Black or white. Only when we embrace who we are as an individual — fully — can we truly recognize both what we need and what from the relationships we commit to. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and never-ending circle.

Commit to your partner. Commit to yourself in the entirety of what you are. Embrace those individual facets of yourself that make you unique, or that help to form your unique perspective. Don’t shy away from what you need because you perceive it to be wrong or you perceive it to be inconvenient. Take the action you need to be happy, and allow for those differences and accept them for what they are. Learning to embrace our individuality is a critical part of learning to thrive as a couple.

Putting it all together…

Getting up-close-and-personal with our love languages is a great way to create stronger foundations in the romantic relationships that mean so much to us. When we define our primary love language, we can better share our needs and desires with our partners and also create space for them to do the same. It can make it easier for us to communicate as well, and help remove the barriers of unnecessary conflict and the disappointed expectations that so often tank so many hopeful and potential-ridden relationships.

Once you’ve taken the time you need to define your own love language, work hard to get in-sync with your partner’s own romantic needs. Communicate with one another openly and honestly, and make sure you leave enough space for your partner to explore and express their own desires and needs. Take appropriate action (based upon your needs and theirs) and look to drop all the unnecessary conflict and disappointment that comes from failing to recognize one another and communicate efficiently. Focus on the little things and look for the meaning behind the simple “I love you”. We fall in love with our partners for a reason and we set out to create a life with them for a reason. Embrace the individual that is you and make room in your partnership for your spouse or love interest to do the same. When we come together, it should be with the same future in mind. Work toward that future by getting on the same page with your individual love languages.