Living with a depressed partner

Relationships are never easy, but they can become especially tricky when one partner is living with depression.

by: E.B. Johnson

Depression is a debilitating disease that causes us to build up walls between ourselves and the people we love. Living with or loving someone with depression is a hard game to play, and an even harder game to master — with stakes much higher than imagined and rules that can seem one-sided and ruthless at the best of times.

Loving someone who struggles with depression takes courage, but it also takes a certain know-how and understanding. Depression isn’t a choice. It’s a disease that impacts each and every one of us differently, from case-to-case and from time-to-time. The symptoms of depression exist in a spectrum, so dealing with them takes awareness and the ability to adjust. Help the one you love by learning the best ways to cope when they can’t.

What is depression?

Depression is more than just feeling down or feeling lethargic. It’s a diagnosable mental health condition which can cause people to struggle with persistent thoughts of sadness or hopelessness, as well as a loss of interest in the things that once brought them joy.

Depression changes our appetites, the way we think and the way we function and operate both on personal and social levels. Being depressed makes it difficult to think and impossible to make difficult decisions. Those suffering from depression find their hopelessness seeping into every facet of their lives, impacting their work, their friendships and even their romantic relationships in ways that undermine their longterm health, happiness and general wellbeing.

How depression affects our relationships.

There are a number of ways that depression can take a toll on our relationships. From a drop in libido to a failure to meet basic needs, ignored depression doesn’t just affect one partner; it affects all parties involved. Only by understanding that depression and coming to address it can we hope to overcome it (or limit its impact on our partnerships).

Eroding intimacy

Depression is horrible and permeating, and it can cause us to pull away — not only from the things we enjoy, but the people that we love as well. When one partner is depressed, it often leads to an erosion of intimacy. As they withdraw more and more into their darkness, things like sexual, physical and emotional intimacy go out the door; and with them goes the closeness they feel with their “other half”.

More fighting

When our partner is depressed, it can often lead to an increase in fighting or agitation within the relationship. As their self-esteem and confidence plummets, so does their trust in the people and things around them. Losing their trust in everything, they find themselves in conflict (both big and small) with the people they are supposed to love most.

Social isolation

Depression is a nasty condition that causes us to isolate ourselves not only from our partners, but from our social circles as well. A tell-tale sign of a depressed partner is often a cessation of social engagements — either with their friends or their partner’s friends — as well as a general drop in their enjoyment outside of the house. If you’ve noticed your partner suddenly finds socializing too much to handle, it might be a sign they’re struggling with something heavier than generalized sadness.

Lack of care

When we let ourselves go and stop taking care of our basic needs, it’s very often a sign that we’re struggling with depression. Depression not only makes you lose confidence in self, it makes you lose the desire to care for yourself. Health goes out of the window and diet usually goes as well. It’s a sad side effect that can take a major toll on multiple facets of our relationships if not managed closely and dealt with head-on.

Signs your partner is depressed.

The symptoms of depression vary from case-to-case and person-to-person. This can make it hard to identify, but there are a few core symptoms that seem to hang around when someone is feeling more than just a little sad. Knowing these symptoms can make the difference in reaching out or staying silent when it matters most. Learn how to spot the signs and you can help the one you love all the better.

Feeling apathetic

Because depression sucks the joy out of life, many depressed people are overwhelmed by major feelings of apathy. If the person you love has gradually lost interest in the passions that they once loved, they might be struggling with something a little heavier than you realize.

Sleep disruptions

The funny thing about depression is that — even though it leaves you feeling exhausted — it also keeps you from sleeping or drastically interrupts your normal sleep cycles. Some people with depression find it hard to get out of bed, while others find it hard to sleep at all.

Mood swings

Feeling down can make your loved one snap, or you might notice dramatic mood swings and a general irritability. They might get angry for no reason, or overreact to setbacks that would otherwise seem small.

Appetite changes

Just like our sleep patterns, depression can interrupt our eating patterns as well. A loved one who is struggling with depression might lose their desire or energy to eat. On the other end of the spectrum, they might start overeating in a way that is alarming or unhealthy. Weight loss and weight gain can be early indicators of unaddressed depression, but it’s a subtle one that’s often overlooked until it’s too late.

Physical pain

Older adults and even children who experience depression often notice an increase in the general aches and pains of their body. If an otherwise healthy friend, family member or spouse start complaining of pains that weren’t there before — be aware of the change and be on the lookout for other symptoms that might be an indication of depression.

Suicidal ideations

Thoughts of self-harm or suicide are never “normal”. While many of us experience these thoughts, it’s not natural to have them regularly, and it’s not normal or healthy to dwell on those thoughts. Even if your loved one appears to “joke” about suicide — don’t laugh it off. Suicide is serious and it deserves to be addressed as such.

Distracted thinking

Depression zaps our energy and makes it hard to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Slowed thinking and movements are a common symptom of depression and one that is commonly overlooked by the people around the affected person. If you notice slowed speech or decision-making, take a note.

Feeling worthless

Low self-esteem and self-doubt are common symptoms that often manifest beside the feelings of hopelessness that depression inspires. Depressed people often feel worthless and feel as though nothing that they do is good enough. Even when their achievements are clear cut, they struggle to see the good in themselves.

How to cope when your partner is depressed.

There are a number of different treatments for depression, but none of them that you can take charge of. While you might be able to spot the signs of depression in your partner, you can’t force them to act in their best interests until they’re ready to do so. Until that time comes, all you can do is love them and keep a few key things in mind. This understanding under your belt, you might just stand a chance, but it takes patience and radical acceptance.

1. Let yourself be frustrated

Loving someone with depression can make you feel just as hopeless or lost. It’s exhausting and lonely, loving someone who withdraws into their feelings. That’s why it’s critical to remember your own feelings and the right you have to feel the way you feel.

It’s okay to get angry or feel frustrated by your own part in the circumstances. You’re only human and denying your emotions will lead to further unhappiness on your end. Embrace how you’re feeling and understand that it’s okay to feel hurt or frustrated too. What’s important is that you don’t throw your hands up in the air and walk away.

Living with someone who’s battling depression can feel like being in the center of a high-stakes arena battle. No matter how cool you try to stay, your back will get pushed against the wall time and time again. Remember to keep your cool and remember that you’re both fighting a common enemy and it’s not the person standing next to you. See through the symptoms. The person you love is still there, but they need you to keep fighting.

2. Get okay with nothingness

It’s critical to let your loved one know that they are loved — even when they’re slim on things to bring to the table. Our relationships aren’t magically organic creatures; they’re carefully managed biospheres that sometimes go through dry spells. They take work, and a part of that work is being there for the other person even when they have absolutely nothing in them to offer (due to depression).

Sometimes, the burden of depression makes it too hard to give other people anything. Instead of words, all you have is silence; instead of action, all you have is heartbroken stillness. It freezes us, and it leaves us paralyzed by our dark patterns, dark thoughts and even darker feelings.

Be okay with that nothing and let the other person know that you love that version of them too: the version that has nothing to offer and nowhere else to go. Let them know that they’re loved whether they have a river of words or nothing to say at all, and let them know that you’re there for them no matter what. Tell them that you’ll be there waiting on the other side, and accept that — for this leg of the journey — you might be carrying more than just your own burden. It’s not forever. It’s just for right now.

3. Don’t force positivity

If there’s one thing that undermines a depressed person’s struggle, it’s forced positivity. While you might be reframing things with a loving intent, it doesn’t work, because it sends out the message that you don’t truly understand or don’t care to. When someone’s depressed, there is no positive, so drop the fake and don’t be afraid to get real with them; but do so with love and do so with the right timing.

You don’t have to fix the other person. Remember that. You’re not responsible for healing them, and they don’t expect you to. What they do expect is a person that will be there for them and listen as they vent, and they expect that the person they love will be real with them — even when the thoughts are heavy, dark or hard to swallow.

Acknowledge your loved one’s pain and stick to phrases like, “I know this is hard for you,” or “You’re so strong. I don’t know how I could handle hurting like you are.” Drop the b.s. and let them know that you’re trying to understand what they’re going through. Even if it makes you feel helpless, reassure them that you’re on their side and do what you can to communicate that they don’t have to shelter the burden of their pain alone.

4. Ask how you can help

Depression is different for everyone, and while it is not dependent on outside triggers, there are often things we do (or don’t do) that can contribute to or detract from the bad feelings our loved one is experiencing. If we want to help them battle this, we have to get them to open up — something that starts with asking one simple question: “How can I help?”

Ask what they need from you in order to feel better. Ask if there’s any behaviors you engage in that are making things feel better or worse. Listen honestly when your partner or spouse opens up, and don’t shy away if they express a need for you to do something differently.

Sometimes, the smallest adjustment on our part can make the difference in whether or not someone finds their own way back to the light. Help them see that change is possible by changing what you need to, without compromising your own needs or emotional wellbeing. If there’s nothing they need from you, give them the gift of space; but let them know your shoulder is always there and waiting for them when they need it.

5. Replace stolen things

One of the best ways to help facilitate healing in the life of a depressed loved on is to be a replacer of the things that were stolen by depression. Try to initiate the things they used to love and do everything you can to maintain those connections and positive feelings that once brought them joy.

Consider a casual get together at home, where your loved one can be most comfortable and able to remove themselves with ease (if needed). Start slow, and build up to big days out or romantic trips that might inspire their sense of joy and happiness again — even if only for a little while.

Don’t wait for them to feel like doing things, get them out of bed and off the couch, and back out into the world that they once knew and loved. Be tender, be gentle but reintroduce them to the life that was slowly stolen from them by their illness. While they might be resistant to change, in time, you’ll find them starting to reconnect with the joy and spirit they thought was lost forever. You can be the catalyst they need, but it takes commitment on your part.

6. Limit the negative chat

Encouraging our loved ones to open up about their depression is important, but it’s also important not to let them dwell too long in their negative thoughts or emotions. When we hear negative talk starting up (whether from ourselves or our partners) it’s important that we redirect that train to something more positive and constructive.

Our thoughts are like magnets. What we think, we attract. When we dwell in the nasty or negative emotions that radiate from our depression, we attract more of that unhappiness and negativity into our lives. It’s important to keep a cap on the negative talk and not let it domineer the lives of both parties, lest you both get swallowed up in the darkness.

Negative thought that recirculates is better known as rumination, and it undermines our wellbeing in some surprising ways. It’s hard to move forward through the negative emotions presented by depression when you’re stuck in the baggage of the past, so it’s critical to talk it out, but cut it off when the discussion no longer serves a purpose.

7. Understand that depression is withdrawl

Loving someone with depression can feel like a game of hide and seek. One moment, they might be present and engaged and the next — they’re gone. Depression is a withdrawal, but it’s not a withdrawal from you and that’s important to keep in mind.

Depressed people often pull back into themselves, in a desperate attempt to conserve what energy they have left. The person you know and love is still there, but it can feel as though you’ve lost them for a while, and that’s enough to leave anyone feeling uncertain and off-foot.

You have to remember that this withdrawal has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their survival. Detach yourself from the personal nature of this retraction and embrace the fact that they’re just doing the best they can. It’s not that they don’t love you, it’s just that they can’t even love themselves.

Putting it all together…

Depression is a complicated disease and one that can strike when we least expect it. Even when everything looks perfect on paper, depression can make it all seem wrong, and cast our relationships down into impossible stakes that make it hard to help our partners — let alone keep our own heads above water. Helping a friend or loved one through a depressive stretch takes a lot of compassion and a lot of understanding. It can be done, though, as long as you keep a few key things in mind.

Depression is not sadness. It is a pervasive and abnormal emotional state that robs us of our hope and happiness despite the reality of our environments. Our loved ones don’t choose to be depressed, and they’re not broken because of it. Rather, they’re being made stronger in the fires of adversity, but they need you to stand by them. Acknowledge your own needs and remember that you’re both fighting a common enemy. Few things are as powerful as the human connection, so rely on that connection in your darkest moments. You don’t have to fight for someone to fight for them. Just be there for them and open up your patient heart.