This is why you’re clinging to a relationship that’s dead in the water

If you want to stop clinging to a dead relationship, you have to learn to embrace the fear and leap into the uncertainty.

by: E.B. Johnson

Just because we know our relationships are failing does not mean we always have the power to extract ourselves from them. Some of us cling to dying relationships for months and years beyond their expiration date, and we do this for a number of reasons that keep us stuck and unhappy. In order to find true joy and fulfillment in our futures, we have to learn how to build happier and healthier relationships by letting go of those which no longer suit us.

It’s never easy embracing a failed relationship, but it is transformative. Through looking into this darkness, we can find a strength within ourselves we did not know existed. Outside of that, we can also come to realize the fullness of our needs and the things that we want from the future that we’re building. Take heart — your dying relationship doesn’t define you and it doesn’t have to define your future. You can get back on track and find the true love that is waiting for you by stepping up to the plate and saying goodbye the right way.

Letting go is never a comfortable process.

Letting go of a failed relationship is never an easy or an enjoyable process. No matter how peaceful our resolutions might be, the ending of a relationship is ultimately a death in our lives and one which must be processed carefully. Holding on to a dead partnership isn’t noble. It’s toxic to who we are, and it prevents us from getting where we need to be. If you’re in a relationship that brings you nothing but misery, it might be time to dig deep and let go.

We free ourselves by getting honest, and we do it also through forgiveness. We have to understand where we’ve come from and forgive ourselves for where we’ve been. Within that, we also have to forgive our partners and find the lessons that add value to the heartbreak.

Ending a partnership is never a comfortable process. It takes time, empathy and a radical and benevolent acceptance that empowers us to do and be better. We can’t just drop the ball at the ending. We have to find the beauty in the process and through that find our empathy and the compassion that moves us in the right direction. This ending doesn’t have to be brutal and dramatic. It can be quiet and still too. It all comes down to what the process looks like for you, and what your individual needs are.

Why we cling to dead relationships.

We cling to relationships that aren’t meant for us for a variety of reasons. Whether the pressure of our family and friends keeps us sticking around, or we choose to value our obligations over our wellbeing — the first steps in finding a way to a happier relationship include understanding the reasons behind your need to stay.

Social and religious pressure

The pressures provided by society and our cultural or religious practices can go a long way in informing how we form and maintain our relationships. Alongside that, they can also go a long way to inform the way we stick around or end partnerships that no longer suit us. If your religion tells you that divorce is a sin, you’re not likely to seek a divorce from a brutal spouse. Likewise, if your corner of society frowns on frequent breakups — you might cling to the idea that a long-term relationship is required of you, no matter the cost.

Fear, fear, fear

It will come as no surprise that fear is one of the biggest reasons we cling to dying relationships that are no longer meant for us. This fear can include a fear of being alone, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of hurting others, fear of hurting yourself financially, and even fear of change in general. If you’re in an especially toxic relationship (or even one with children involved) you can also find yourself dealing with fear of retribution — both intended and unintended.

Financial insecurity

Bottom line — some people stay in bad, toxic, or mismatched relationships because they can’t afford to do otherwise financially. When one partner holds the purse strings, the other partner can find themselves stuck with nowhere to go and no skills to offer in a continually changing market. Financial insecurity is a serious threat to our happiness, and that’s why it’s crucial that we go into our relationships with our own independence and our own resources.

Seeping sense of guilt

Ending things never feels good, and it never feels good to think that we are causing another person a great deal of pain. Your relationship might not have ended because of anything your partner did. So, ending things can feel almost like you’re doing something wrong. This sense of guilt keeps you from taking the necessary action that could improve both your life and the life of your partner. After all, there is a finite amount of space in our love lives and we have to make room for the right people to come in.

Persistent delusion

Sometimes, we don’t see the truth because we don’t want to. Instead, we plant ourselves firmly in the garden of rose-tinted vision and refuse to see things as they really are. This type of persistent delusion does nothing to fix our relationships, nor does it do anything to add value to our lives. The true power is in seeing reality for what it is, then taking action to shift your own reality to one that offers peace, stability and contentment.

Toxic optimism

Though we tend to think of optimism as a superpower, it can go a long way to undermine our happiness in love and romance. When we believe things will get better, no matter how bad they are, we are lying to ourselves (and often our partners too). No matter how much we might love someone, they can still be too broken to be the right person for us. No amount of optimism can change this, and no amount of your love will change them either.

Obligation over sensibility

Believe it or not, there are many who cling to dead relationships out of an insane sense of obligation and responsibility. These people feel a weight of responsibility that is so great, it overcomes their ability to consider the bigger picture. This includes those who stay for their children, or those who stay because of mutual or invested interests in properties, enterprise, etc. In these moments, obligation is put over sensibility. External elements are put over your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of everyone who exists around you.

The concrete signs your relationship is dying.

Unsure whether your relationship has come to its end? These are signs that you could be fighting an uphill battle against a partnership that has already run its course. You can’t embrace that truth until you see the light in front of you.

Lacking in intimacy

Intimacy is crucial in any relationship, and it happens across a number of planes. We can have both emotional intimacy (opening up to one another and sharing ourselves) and physical intimacy (sexual intimacy and physical affection) — both of which change and shift over time. But when either of those disappears completely, it’s a sign that the love is quickly fleeing too.

Divergent needs

As humans, we are constantly growing and changing. It’s only natural, as we seem to be a species that is constantly searching for something bigger and better for ourselves. The only way to navigate these changing ideas and needs is to embrace them. Failing to do this in our partners, however, leads to divergent and mutually exclusive needs that only widen the gap that is growing in your relationship. As we change, we have to keep the channels of communication open or risk losing sight of one another entirely.

Communication drought

Communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship and it’s a crucial part of staying bonded and staying aligned in values and goals. We have to talk to one another. We should want to talk to one another, but when that desire to communicate dries up — problems set in. If you and your partner don’t speak anymore, if there’s no opening up and no sharing, there can be little hope you will continue to see one another with compassion and love.

Fantasizing all the time

While it’s normal to wonder about what could have been, constantly fantasizing about other people and other lives isn’t normal. This indicates a desire to be somewhere else, with someone else; and that’s a crucial warning alarm that shouldn’t be ignored. Our fantasies can be harmless, but they can also point us in the direction of the things that we need from life and love…but aren’t getting.

Inability to make plans

Making plans is a part of any healthy and stable long-term relationship, and it’s a way in which couples align their values and hopes for the future. We have to make plans so that we can coordinate our actions and come together as a cohesive force. When we fail to make plans together, it indicates an unwillingness (or an inability) to commit to any concrete ideas — a warning sign to anyone who is looking for continuous support.

Constant annoyances

Do you find that you and your partner (or spouse) are constantly annoyed with one another? Or engaged in long-term conflict that never really seems to die down? These could be signs that a toxic resentment has set in, and it can also be a sign that you’re growing apart in ways that are too great to consolidate. Take a step back and look at the root causes of your aggravation. What truths aren’t you speaking? What secrets are they keeping?

Unacceptable behavior

There are certain unacceptable behaviors that are always a sign it’s time to close the door on your partners. Among these behaviors are abuse, and the mental and emotional power struggles that create feelings of inferiority and terror. Our partnerships are meant to be just that — partnerships. And that means that we should come to the table as equals or not at all.

Growing disillusionment

When our relationships start to stutter and breakdown, there are usually a number of contributing factors. Life gets busy as we add in the pressures of family and our professional lives, and it’s easy to lose sight of our partner and the romance we once shared. This is where disillusionment comes in. We begin to see our partner’s flaws in a greater light and — often — we find here the incompatibilities that widen the divide.

How to overcome our hesitation and let go of dead relationships.

Stop waiting for someone to rescue you and understand that you are the only person who can rescue you from a dying relationship. Master the art of benevolent acceptance, then lead hard into forgiving yourself and finding compassion. It’s never too late to find your way back to joy. The only wrong move you can make is staying stuck after realizing that change must be made.

1. Cultivate benevolent acceptance

Acceptance is one of the most powerful gifts that we can give to ourselves, but so many of us have a very basic and superficial understanding of what this acceptance should look like. True acceptance is not just saying, “This is.” It’s actively embracing your circumstances, so that you can correct them and fix them through focused and concentrated self-healing. This benevolent acceptance is active (not passive) and allows us to create a great sense of peace that permeates throughout our lives.

Don’t blanket your reality in a generalized covering of acceptance. Actively look at the hardest aspects of your failed relationship and see them for what they are. Accept the role you played; see your mistakes. The full picture is necessary in order for us to tap into our endless reserves of compassion and empathy.

Think of benevolent acceptance like the acceptance of a mother. It is kind and far-reaching. It does not seek to say, “Don’t tell me more, I understand.” It reaches out to us, holds us, and says, “Unburden yourself and I will love you regardless.” Stop running from your reality and accept your dying partnership for what it is. Look at it — warts and all — and know that there is nothing inherently wrong in failing. We all change and we all get things wrong. It is the natural pace of life. Know this pace and cultivate a benevolent acceptance that makes it easier to find your place in the flow.

2. Sit and know your feelings

We often stay stuck in these failing relationships out of a sense of obligation, but also out of a sense of fear. As humans, we hate negative emotions like fear and we’ll do anything we can to outrun its discomfort. We have to stop running away from our feelings if we want to free ourselves and find happiness, however. We have to sit with our feelings, embrace them, and now them for what they are if we want them to empower us into happier and more fulfilling futures.

Avoid running from your feelings. As a matter of fact, stop running from them at all. Sit with them. Allow the fullness of their weight to sit with you and don’t look away. Get a journal and record your emotions and how they’re impacting your ability to think, sleep, eat, or otherwise operate as a normal person.

We have to embrace our emotions if we want them to go away. Burying them deep down inside doesn’t remove them. If anything, it makes them stronger. Little-by-little, they fester inside of us until they’ve become a wound that is so much bigger and so much more lethal than the original injury. Accept the fact that your emotions are trying to tell you something, then allow them to do their work. They don’t need to control you, or takeover. They just need space to say their peace and they need you to listen.

3. Revel in the space

A dying relationship comes with a certain end, and those ends can happen in a number of ways. The most peaceful way to begin that severance, however, is with a conversation and a slow spreading of the already wide divide. Things don’t have to end in a barrage of sparks and conflict. We can learn to revel in the natural space that is breeched between us, and we can use this space to a great (and peaceful) benefit.

Sit down with your partner and open up about where you’re at and what needs to happen next. Make a mutual commitment to finding a way forward slowly and peacefully, but make sure you’re both leaving enough room for mutual respect and compassion.

Revel in the space. Start finding yourself in it again. Reconnect with your passions and rediscover ways to reconnect with your detach. Detach slowly. You don’t have to rush things or change them overnight. Just be honest, both with yourself and with your partner every step of the way. An ending doesn’t need to be dramatic. Find comfort in the space before you take a leap off the ledge and do it respectfully and with empathy.

4. Embrace a new type of forgiveness

Forgiveness is a key part of moving on, especially in the wake of a failed relationship, but it’s not just about forgiving them — it’s about forgiving ourselves as well. Once you’ve closed the door, you might question yourself and you might notice resentment that’s harbored deep down inside. In order to defeat this we have to embrace a new type of forgiveness; one that is both inclusive and without boundaries.

Stop internalizing all your hatred and your guilt. Stop letting feelings of shame hound you into submission or otherwise snuff out the light you have to offer. Only when you learn how to forgive in completeness, will you be able to find true freedom (and through that, genuine love).

Let go of all the things you got wrong and make a note of what you got right. Take your lessons and mark them, but do not make them your narrative. We are not the sum of our mistakes. We are the sum of the people we strive to be. Take responsibility for the things you got wrong and accept them. Then, accept yourself for the full and complete spread of your humanity. We are all flawed and we all make mistakes. That doesn’t mean we can’t be better.

5. Allow yourself to grieve

The ending of a relationship can feel very akin to a death — and that’s because it is. Failed relationships are a death of both our love and a death of our dreams and expectations. It’s letting go of all the things you once imagined for your future; the potential and the planning. As such, it’s crucial that we give ourselves sufficient time to grieve these losses, in a way which allows us to move on in a better state than we started out in.

Don’t expect joy to come knocking on your door right away. Though you might feel relieved that your partnership has finally ended, you will also feel pain and a lot of discomfort. Embrace that discomfort and that heartache and allow it to take its course.

Running from the grief will do nothing to help you learn the lessons you so desperately need to take away from your crumbled relationship. We need our pain to help us see reality or what it is, and we need it to help us learn how to be better people and seek out better people. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to cry and rage — but then move on. Don’t wallow and don’t give power to something that doesn’t even exist anymore. Set a sensible time limit to grief and stick to it.

Putting it all together…

Failing relationships can be hard to accept, but we have to know how to spot the signs and take action to protect our futures and our happiness. This happens through understanding, and through radical acceptance of both self and circumstances (in ways that can be both unfamiliar and uncomfortable). There is no nobility in clinging to a dead relationship. There is a great nobleness in finding the courage to let them go, however. The right relationships only come in when the wrong ones go out.

Cultivate a benevolent acceptance that allows you to feel and embrace a greater sense of peace within the sorrow. Failed relationships are tragic, but they can also empower us to become better versions of ourselves. Sit with your feelings and embrace them. Know them for what they are and see the value they add to your life. When we follow our feelings the right way, we often reconnect with our passions. Create some personal space for yourself and get to know who you really are and what you really want. Increase this space as you prepare to sever the connection that no longer suits your journey. Embrace a new type of forgiveness and start allowing yourself to heal and begin the journey back to wholeness. Don’t run from the grief — embrace it and know that the end of this relationship only leaves room for the right one to manifest at last.