These common sexual fantasies are healthy and this is why
Though we often shy away from them, our sexual fantasies can be an important part of our happiness and who we are.
by: E.B. Johnson
We all have daydreams and active imaginations from time to time, but not many of us readily admit to the fantasies we have in and about the bedroom. Our sexual fantasies are an important cornerstone of our happiness, but we often shy away from them due to a false sense of grief or skewed self-judgement. When we allow ourselves to explore these fantasies in a safe and healthy way, we often discover parts of ourselves we didn’t know existed — but that’s a growing process that can be both long and uncomfortable.
If you truly want to get comfortable with your true sexual nature, you have to start facing up to your sexual fantasies and the things that arouse you. Whether you are single or find yourself with a partner, addressing our fantasies allow us to connect with every aspect of our life on a deeper lever. If you want to build stronger, healthier relationships (with yourself and others) start by learning more about yourself and your sexual fantasies.
What are fantasies?
No matter who you are (or what you claim) we all have sexual fantasies that inspire our animalistic imaginations in a way that is both stimulating and intriguing. These fantasies can range from the subtle to the bizarre, but they are each a part of who we are and what we need on an intimate level. Unlocking the power of these fantasies means facing up to them, but that takes a foundation of understanding.
In their simplest form, our fantasies are the imaginary, daydream scenarios that we play out in our heads throughout the day. Though we often dismiss them as little more than a waste of time, they can actually provide some powerful insight to who we are, where we came from and what we need in order to actually feel fulfilled.
Our intimate fantasies — whether it makes us uncomfortable to admit it or not — serve a specific purpose. Even if they distract us or frighten us, they can also entertain us, foster creativity and help us better understand what it is that we want and need, as well as what fuels us. When we can face up to our desires for what they are, we are better equipped to embrace ourselves and our abilities for what they are too. We all have multiple facets of self. An important part of life is figuring out what those facets are.
Where our intimate desires come from.
Sexual fantasies are complex, and they can be influenced, shaped and inspired by a number of internal and external factors. From societal “norms” to the childhood experiences that shaped our understanding — getting to the root of intimate desires is the first big step in understanding and addressing them.
Societal influences
It will come as no surprise that societal influences go a long way in shaping how we view sex and the things that turn us on. Pornography, news, movies, the influence of our friends, family and partners all combine to shape how we see sex, and how we see ourselves within our sexuality. None of these experiences or relationships have to be sexual in order to inform our sexual appetites; but the sexually over-charged nature of our society is surely a shaping factor.
Previous experiences
Our previous experiences — both the good and the bad; the sexual and the non-sexual — have an impact on our sexuality and the fantasies we might find ourselves aroused by. Being cheated on, or experiencing childhood trauma and abuse (both sexual and non-sexual) can go a long way in shaping the kind of things you seek in the bedroom, whether those things are taboo or simply novel.
Spontaneous urges
Sometimes, it’s simply a spontaneous urge that drives us toward a certain sexual fantasy over another. While these spontaneous urges might be inspired by both sexual and non-sexual encounters in your life, they might also just appear as if from thin-air. It’s completely common to find yourself with an inexplicable urge that seems as though it has no inspiration or source.
Imagination
As humans, we’re incredibly creative and are capable of imagining the grandest of designs and dreams. Not only are we capable of putting a rocket on the moon, we’re capable of thinking up some of the most fantastic sexual fantasies imaginable; and that’s something that can be a gift when you know how and why you should utilize.
The most common types of fantasies.
There are a number of pretty common fantasies that are not only natural, but potentially healthy to explore as well. These range from dreams of multiple partners to gender-bending and monogamy taboos. They all have one thing in common, however: they tell us much and more about who we are.
Multiple partners
One of the most common intimate fantasies — no matter your orientation or gender alignment — is that of multiple partners. These fantasies can include your standard threesomes, or it can expand to group sex and instances of gangbangs or public orgies.
Power and control
Thanks to the introduction of the BDSM lifestyle into the mainstream (with books like “Fifty Shades of Grey”) many of us are familair with the idea of power and control and how it relates to sex. For many, bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and sadomasochism is precisely what they need to get their fire going.
Taboo behavior
Taboo behavior and taboo activities are also a pretty common sexual fantasy to have. These fantasies include situations that might otherwise be seen as “off-limits” or “unsavory”, but they can also be incredibly healing when addressed appropriately and with knowledgeable and consensual partners.
Novelty and variety
Unlike taboo behavior, novel and variety fantasies don’t really involve off-limits behavior and situations as much as they involve something new and different on a personal level. Novelty fantasies can include something as simple as changing positions, or as complex as role play and stranger-play on a date night out. It’s a totally normal fantasy to have, and often one of the simplest to fulfill.
Passion and romance
When you’re someone who has deep emotional needs, it can often make you long for deeply intimate or passionate sex that involves a lot of connection and romance. In these fantasies, our emotional needs collide with our physical needs to create an almost euphoric experience when we know how to handle it. More often than not, the important part of these fantasies are the feelings of being loved and appreciated by a partner — rather than sexually gratified.
Gender-bending
Gender-bending in the bedroom is a common fantasy and one that can have transformative results for our authentic sense of self. When we explore these fantasies, we allow ourselves the gift of pushing the boundaries of our gender roles and identities; revealing new and previously unexplored parts of ourselves that only add to the full bouquet of our happiness.
Monogamy taboos
If you’re someone who has found themselves in one monogamous relationship after another, you might find that your intimate fantasies gravitate toward the non-monogomous. Thoughts of polyamoury, swinging, cuckolding and open relationships are natural, and they can be naturally and calmly addressed with our partners as well. Even if literal fulfillment is impossible, there are always creative ways to explore your fantasies with an open and willing partner.
Why it’s important to accept our fantasies.
Our fantasies aren’t just empty voids, forever destined to be abandoned to the outskirts of self. They’re important facets of who we are, and when we embrace them they can lead to major benefits in both health and wellbeing.
Greater intimate enjoyment
When we embrace our fantasies and accept them as a natural and normal part of our sexuality, we often find that we get greater intimate enjoyment from not only ourselves but our partners too. Being honest and open has an uncanny way of making things more enjoyable, something that probably has a lot to do with your stress levels and your ability to relax into the activities.
Better relationships
Intimate honesty and an acceptance of kinks or fantasies can make for a great relationship booster, and can actually help draw us closer to our partners. Being intimate is an important part of any relationship, but so is being vulnerable. When we share our fantasies with our partners and allow them to share theirs, we’re creating a bonding experience that’s hard to beat.
Good for your health
It will probably come as no surprise that more sexual honesty is good for your health. When we embrace our fantasies for what they are, it creates a mental holding space that allows us to both get to know ourselves better and what we really need and want. This further creates psychological ease and fosters creativity which is great for those combating conditions like depression.
How to embrace your fantasies the healthy way.
Indulging in our sexual fantasies isn’t something that’s weird or unhealthy. When we figure out how to approach our desires slowly and with intention, we often discover some invaluable truths hidden among the layers. If you want to start embracing who you are and what you want in the bedroom, you have to focus on communication and opening yourself up to getting proactive about what you need.
1. Never stray from communicating
Communication is one of the best gifts we can give — even if it’s just to ourselves. When we communicate (be it internally or externally) we allow ourselves to see the bigger picture, and shift our perspective in a way that leads to greater openness and happiness. It’s key in exploring who we are and what we want, but communication can be hard (even uncomfortable) when we find ourselves up against guilt or apprehension.
If you’ve identified some intimate needs you think need to be addressed, take some time to explore them on your own first, and keep open the channel of communiction in your mind. Have an honest and frank conversation with yourself. Ask probing questions and find out if this is something you’re just curious about, or if it’s something you really and truly need.
Only when you’ve got a better hold on what you think you want to explore should you open up to your partner (or partners). Let them know that you need their trust, but let them know that there are other pieces of yourself which need to be explored as well. Be honest. Be open. Be frank. Don’t sugar coat what you want, and don’t shy away from what you mean. The only way to work through your intimate desires is to get a partner that’s on-board and consenting. You’ll get that first and foremost through honest conversation.
2. Get certain about you
In order to efficiently address any potential intimate desires or fantasies you might have, you have to be certain about what those fantasies are and you have to be certain about what you need. This isn’t achieved through some grand scheme. It’s achieved through hard work and spending some quality time with yourself, your thoughts and your rising desires.
Get to know yourself. Don’t rush — take time to really deep dive into what you’re feeling and consider where it comes from and how you truly want to deal with it. Don’t just dive into something that you’re not emotionally and mentally ready for — and don’t force your partner to either. Start journalling about your thoughts and what you’re feeling. You need to be certain before you make any certain moves.
Safely explore your desires through healthy, consentual pornography and make sure to pay attention to how it makes you react and feel. Notice too how you feel afterward. Truly fulfilling sexual habits shouldn’t make you feel worse, they should help you to feel better. If something feels wrong, or if something makes you feel uncomfortable or ill-fitting — take a step back. Sex — in all its forms — should be an act of joy and enjoyment. If you’re feeling none of those things, it isn’t right for you. Try something else.
3. Let go of the judgement and shame
Judgement and shame are the two primary reasons we struggle to embrace our sexuality, and they have to be overcome in order to safely and healthily address our needs. As humans, we come with a lot of hang-ups and we tend to overthink things. This is especially true when it comes to our sexual fantasies, and the way we perceive them against the “norms” of society.
Start exposing your perceived sense of shame (or your self-righteous judgements) to the light of truth, and examine it closely for any signs of hypocrisy or illogical patterns. Differentiate the emotions you feel around what you want to do and what you believe society wants you to do. Separate what you do from who you are and realize that your needs are both healthy and justified. Shut your inner critic down and let them know that you alone dictate who you are and what you do intimately.
Our judgements and our guilty hang-ups come from a place of self-preservation, but they’re ultimately self-defeating and they ultimately prevent us from accessing our personal happiness and fulfillment. By opening up, to others and ourselves, we can look past these foibles and move confidently toward the things that can both inspire us and help us find joy. Though your intimate desires might seem like a small piece of the puzzle now, they can become a major part of who we are and what we need when we give them the opportunity.
4. Take a solo start
Though our intimate fantasies are ultimately something that need to be shared and explored with our partners, it’s important that you take the first few steps of the journey solo; letting yourself get comfortable with these new boundaries and themes before adding the complexity of another person. Take a solo start when it comes to exploring your fantasies and you’ll find that you not only understand them better, but yourself as well.
Once you’ve gotten familiar with what turns you on, take some alone time to explore them further (and how they make you react). Get comfortable watching healthy, consensual porn, and get used to analyzing why you’re attracted to it or turned off by it. Masturbation too is something you should get comfortable with first — in relation to your fantasies — and it’s imperative that you realize that natural, normal and satisfying nature of the endeavor as a whole.
Note how frequently you find yourself engaged in or with your fantasy, and make a note of precisely how it makes you react. If you find that you’re engaging more often than not, or if you find that you’re using your fantasies to escape a much more meaningful and critical issue. While our fantasies can be healthy and fulfilling, balance is key. Too much of a good thing and you’ll get lost in the mix. Make sure you control your fantastic thoughts…not the other way around.
5. Research, research, research
Once everything is out in the open and boundaries have been established, you have to push yourself further into the space of desires by committing to more research. There’s no such thing as having too much knowledge, and that’s especially true when it comes to our sensual desires. Intimacy is crucial, but there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to what makes us hot under the collar. Build the mindfulness you need to create healthy sexual habits by researching, researching, researching.
Embrace the research stage for the fun and fascinating time that it is. This part of deep-diving in your sexual desires is a stage of action, and the one in which you get to live and partake in the things you’ve been dreaming about all along. Look up local events that fit what you might be looking for, and learn everything you can about what’s required and what type of people might be in attendance. If you have a partner (who’s in agreement) include them; if you’re single — live (protectedly and safely) with relative abandon.
After the air has been cleared with your partner get proactive about learning more. If you’re someone who’s interested in swinging or pushing your gender-limits — find a swingers bar, or get out to your nearest gay venue and start flirting. There aren’t really any rules when it comes to getting to know our sexuality, save the golden rule of honesty. Be up front about what you’re doing, and be up front about what you wan…always. Just because you’re getting to know you doesn’t mean you get to hurt other people.
Putting it all together…
Though we don’t always like to admit it, our sexual fantasies are important and they can say a lot about us. Shaped by both the sexual and non-sexual experiences in our life, sexual desires — when satiated effectively and in a safe and healthy manner — can help us to feel wildly fulfilled and joyful. That can take a lot of radical self-acceptance to realize, however, as well as a dose of major communication and understanding.
Make communication the foundation of your process and communicate not just with any potential partners, but with your authentic sense of self as well. Get certain about who you are and what you want, and drop whatever hangups you have that make you feel as though you’re weighed down and burdened by shame or guilt. Ease into things, and start out on your own. Don’t jump into deep waters when you’re not ready to swim, and certainly don’t bring anyone along for the ride until you know what you have and what you want. Research and learn everything you can about the fantasy you want. Our sexual desires aren’t always just a flash in the pan. Sometimes, they bear an important meaning if we know how to listen. Only we can make the choice to tune in and turn on.
