The Tales of Strider Biden and the R Orcs

I’ll be damned if Sauron hadn’t gone and got all his orcs all stirred up about this immigration bill. It’s a real puzzler as to what the devil is going on with that bunch of miscreants. They’re worse than a teenage girl. You remember when you’d try to chat one up? First they say they will and then they say they won’t. I never realized that I could relieve those symptoms with a tanning stand. But that was back in the day when peace and safety could still be found in Middle-earth and Tucker Carlson had yet to work for MSNBC.

Poor old Sauron. I guess he didn’t read the book. He loses. Even with some of the ugliest orcs the legal system has ever known, he lost. He lost so many orcs in his last sortie that he’s recruiting fresh meat. He’s nearly as bad as his most highly-esteemed Russian Eye of Mordor. Neither of them have even the slightest amount of respect for human life other than their own, if their life is actually human, that is. There are a lot of people who are asking, so we just want to know.

We all already know that Sauron the Orange is a villain, just because a good story always has to have a villain. But in our story we also have Strider Biden. Strider Biden is a good fellow in our story. I don’t know that we could deem him a hero but he has gotten us halflings out of a number of close calls since we ran into him at the Dancing Pony in Rehoboth. Turns out, he’s been a traveler for many years. On the other hand, Sauron the Orange has been something of a homebody hanging out in his tower. Unfortunately, he has taken on the stench of all the orcs which do gruesome things in the little known dungeon under his tower. One plot twist explores the real possibility that his stinky behavior is what has afflicted him with an unbearable stench. Which is why the smell of sulfur is always wafting about his residence. Sulfur is preferable to the stench of orcs or of Sauron.

The grizzled Uruk of the Upper House of Orcs, who is given to bouts of frozen body syndrome when he remembers the horrors of his life and times, is helpless in the presence of Sauron the Orange. He fearing an onslaught of frozen body syndrome capitulated with Sauron as soon as the winged Crebain interrupted his frostiness with a message to cease and desist. As for the Minas Morgul of the Lower House of Orcs, he is only allowed to show loyalty to his betters. He still has not earned his Great Orange Lord’s confidence and only has the option of abject submission. The whole operation does seem to have heavy S & M overtones, but we are talking about the famed Republican Orcs from over by Barad-dur where all the important orangemen used to hang out back in the days of the last age of Middle-earth. Well, those orcs from over by Barad-dur have always been known for an over-blown fascination in voyeuristic intrusion into sexual activities that, as orcs, they can never experience.

It is said that Republicans Orcs from Marad-dur must pass a misogyny competency exam with a 95 or better. I don’t know about the score requirements but I do know they are all world class misogyny adherents. It could be because Republican Orcs from Marad-dur are so ugly that no self-respecting woman can stomach the, ahem, camaraderie, of leering Republican orcs drooling over imagined fantasies which can never be brought to fruition due to their particular variety of brutish ugliness. But then a great many married humans also experience that particular variety of brutish ugliness over who will make the decision of where they’re going to eat out tonight.

In this year, we will revisit the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, no doubt. We can have confidence that our Strider Biden will emerge as more than we have given him credit for being. He has allies from the Kingdom of the Elves, those of fair complexion and having accounts in both L.L.Bean and Hammacher Schlemmer. He has the support of the Union Dwarfs of buggy manufacturing from a place called under the mountain or as people in Michigan call it, Canada. He even has the support of the fair elves from the walled street in Rivendale because their stocks are going up due to Strider Biden’s expertise at managing forces aligned against him by nothing more than his formidable will. Besides, whenever he finds himself in an important battle, he can always rely on Gandalf Obama to show up with a long pause between words which gives Strider Biden time to process what he’s saying. Not that Strider doesn’t have a mind of his own. It’s just when you’re facing a multitude of Republican orcs, no matter where they hail from, two heads are better than one even if one is a cabbage head. So think what advantage two heads of state might have, even if one is an ex-head.

Of course, Sauron would have no tower nor apprentices nor fame nor notoriety were it not for the extreme loyalty his ever-subservient orcs lavish on him. Since the poor wretch has been isolated in his tower for so many centuries he has not gotten out as much as one might imagine. He has only had the advice of orcs of the most misogyny-minded variety. That has stunted his development as a potential Maiar. He’s gone so far rogue that he’s considered a loser by book makers throughout Middle-earth. That famous Middle-earth desert city of Las Vegas is giving 6/1 odds that Sauron will be sentenced to jail this year. Those are not good odds even in Middle-earth.

Even as Middle-earth awaits the coming of the end of Moscowador, there are forces which are still fighting with all their formidable magical powers to recover the ring of power which Strider Biden has under his protection. The arachnid Ungoliant Taylor Green is marshaling a funny team of lower house orcs into a rebel force aligned against all the men of Middle-earth. I suppose she’ll include the women of Middle-earth as well because she damned sure does not want any competition. She just wants spidey power. Trolls look to her for guidance for the words of the incantations the Barad-dur orcs must post as passwords of the day. Last week, for example, the password was, “Orc feast on brown border crossers.” This week the password is “send us more brown people to protect us from Hobbits, Men, Elves and Dwarfs.” There is no doubt this tale will come to its inevitable end in this year of traveling from here to there and back again. Ours is a journey which has been undertaken many times over the eons of time which Middle-earth has existed. We are all in a continual battle to gain freedom to live in a new age of understanding. Where two things can be true at the same time. Where immigration bills and aid bills for our allies in middle-earth who are battling orcs of their own can coexist in legislative harmony. And no fairy tale would not be complete without a happy ending where the fairy princess Taylor gives up her immortal status to marry her favorite mortal tight end. And then everyone lived happily ever after until the MAGA bros got all jealous that Princess Taylor wouldn’t even give any of them a second thought. But by then, no one cared. Now is that a sad story or what?

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