Life/Sexuality

The Myth of The Bad Boy & Hot Sex

It’s a eureka moment.

During my early teen years in the ’90s, I voraciously devoured romance novels like they were my main sustenance in life.

The majority of the novels I read back then usually had a male character who was the perfect mix of bad boy and heart of gold. He might also have been some kind of dark, brooding vampire or even a werewolf depending on what kind of genre I was reading.

Essentially, the leading man could be a literal and/or figurative monster one minute and a complete angel the next.

Looking back, this might be confusing for a young woman with zero sexual experience.

This dichotomy of character traits was a common theme in almost every romance novel I read. The bad boy with a rebellious heart and arrogant attitude eventually seduces the female character — then magically turns into a hero with a conscience by the end.

Quite a whiplash Jekyll and Hyde ride.

In many of the romance novels I used to read, some of the sex scenes written verged on rape — frequently describing the male character as ripping off his love interest’s clothes or ‘overpowering’ her sexually with his brute strength.

Consequently, my idea of what hot, steamy sex was supposed to be like became intertwined with blurred ideas about consent and the boundaries of rough sex. Not only that but my concept of what a man should be like and how he should treat me was warped into the fantasy of the bad boy type.

For a long time, the idea of the ‘bad boy’ turned me on sexually — and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

The Jekyll and Hyde behavior of the bad boys we read about in books or watch on TV and in movies is very much normalized and glamorized. It can be a challenge as a young person to navigate and differentiate between what kind of behavior is healthy and what kind of behavior is simply unacceptable within the realm of romance and sexuality.

When I encountered men in my younger years who were more sexually aggressive, I thought that was the norm. When they were inconsiderate or even abusive to me, I didn’t have any frame of reference for how they should have been behaving until I got older and started learning from my mistakes.

As I’ve documented in my writing before, it wasn’t until I met my second husband that I finally experienced what a kind, generous, and functional partner could be like.

As a person who used to specialize in picking the ‘bad boys’ and who seriously did not have their shit together for a long time, I can tell you that thinking men who are super sweet, caring, and well-adjusted are going to be bad in bed just because they’re not reckless or abusive is simply not the case.

Those ‘nice guys’ who you may think won’t excite you in the bedroom or knock your socks off with orgasms don’t need to treat you like trash to do so.

The excuse that the ‘crazy ones’ are always phenomenal in bed therefore it’s okay to put up with their unhealthy behavior is unbelievably outdated.

I think we as women often get stuck in this loop where we don’t think we deserve ‘it all’ — meaning a partner who is intelligent, kind, considerate, and a fantastic lover to boot. Maybe we forget that most or all of those things can and should be included in the whole package.

Hot sex doesn’t necessarily need to come with a partner who leaves you hanging or who makes you feel less-than. If Kinky or taboo sex is your thing, that can be had with a kind and loving partner — who also happens to treat you well in the real world.

Nice guys can be into naughty sex too — and perhaps the idea that they’re not is one of the biggest misconceptions out there.

There will always be those of us who lap up the negative attention from partners who don’t act right because the sex is good. That was true for me over many years. I’m guilty. I admit it, fervently.

However, once we delve deep in deeper, do the inner work on ourselves that needs to be done, learn the lessons that we need to learn, and finally start realizing that we’re ready to attract the kind of partner we know we deserve and can also be ourselves with — it’s a eureka moment.

No one needs to sacrifice being treated well for a hot sex life. You can have it all. You can have it with a partner who cares for you, loves you, respects you, AND with someone who gives you mind-blowing orgasms.

Nice guys can be bad boys in bed yet also treat you like an actual human being in real life — the two things can co-exist together — despite what the romance novels say.

Want more? Check out the links below…

Still here? You can show your love for my writing by leaving me a tip, contributing monthly, or buying me a random glass of wine on my Ko-fi page! Thank you!

Oh, by the way, I also have a podcast about being a stepmom. Check it out if you’re interested.