3 Crucial Lessons My Husband Taught Me About Domestic Violence
Denial and self-deception can run deep.
The anxiety and shame a person involved in an abusive relationship will experience can be life-altering. Denial and self-deception can run deep.
I didn’t fully realize what a truly healthy relationship could be like until I met my current husband. With him, I finally realize what it’s like to have a friend and partner.
There’s no fear, guilt, or shame in my relationship with my current husband. This has led me to a higher understanding of how functional relationships should operate and a desire to share my own past experiences with the hope of helping women out there who may be trapped in abusive relationships.
My current husband has taught me that there are men in the world capable of being responsible, thinking, rational, human beings who can move on from their troubles in a dignified and positive way. Here are 3 important lessons I have learned through my current relationship:
- Jealousy is NOT Love
In the past, I’ve been with men who were not only threatened by my intelligence — but jealous of it. Jealous of my ability to function socially, have friends, laugh, and enjoy life. I realize now that this was because they were so entrenched in their own misery that they resented my joy.
Jealousy, possessiveness, and secrecy are the symptoms of a sick relationship.
The physical abuse may or may not be there but a person you’re in a relationship with who is isolating you from your friends or family, expressing jealousy over your conversations with others, telling you how to dress, calling you constantly to see where you are, or saying hurtful things time and again is not normal behavior.
It is unlikely that a person who is treating you in this manner will ever be able to provide you with a healthy, functional partnership long-term.
Many girls and women fall into the false impression that the intense possessiveness and isolation an abuser might smother them with is just a flattering way to express devotion and admiration. It’s not. This is one of the first things I am going to teach my daughter.
If a partner is so jealous of you having contact with any other person that they fly into a rage or prevent you from making your own choices in any way — this isn’t love and it isn’t loyalty. It doesn’t mean they think you’re so beautiful that they can’t allow you to walk down the street or talk to others. It means they have a mental or emotional problem that they need help with.
So many young (and older women!) wrap their entire self-esteem up in the opinion of an abuser that they will do almost anything to please them or gain their trust. Unfortunately, there will never be trust, and that type of person will never be pleased with you or happy with you in any way. It’s not about you. It’s about their sickness.
2. Abuse is NOT Normal
As I get older, I find my perspective changes as to what happened in the past. As my life now becomes more fulfilled and happy, I cannot believe what I allowed to happen in my other relationships.
This is the problem with young girls who get wrapped up in the romantic love of a person who may be less than desirable to everyone on the outside. They are so blind in lust, or what they believe to be love that they will not listen to anyone. Having a daughter myself now, I see how terrifying it can be for parents to watch such relationships play out.
I look back on that young woman that I was and just shake my head. Truly, that young woman I used to be, is probably fortunate to be alive and well today. There were many close calls, and many life-threatening situations I had put myself in without even realizing there was any danger. It was all drama and romance. For whatever reason, I assumed it was all normal.
That’s the thing about youth. There is rarely caution where there should be. But it’s that hunger for adventure that drives young people to go out on their own and experience life — which is ultimately a healthy thing.
Unfortunately, it’s a double-edged sword because the very thrill-seeking behavior many young people possess can obviously lead them down dangerous roads and into toxic relationships. If you are a parent, it’s a palpable worry.
One of the most amazing things I have realized since I met my current husband is that not all romantic relationships have to be filled with jealousy or violence.
3. An Abuser Will Rarely Take Accountability
This is the most critical thing I have learned in my journey. An abuser almost never believes their own actions are their fault. It’s always their mother’s fault, their father, their ex, or even their current victim. It’s always a blame game and the level of accountability is nonexistent.
This is why I feel it’s so important to teach children about accountability.
Children need to have supportive adults around who they can speak to and learn that no matter what “bad” things may happen to them in their lives, it’s not okay to take their anger out on other people. If they do, they must be held accountable for their own actions.
If a child is abused, they must be helped to heal. But they must also learn to take responsibility for themselves as they grow into adults because if not, they may repeat the pattern of abuse in their future relationships.
Every abuser I have ever dealt with had that chip on their shoulder from something that happened to them in their childhood. They carried that chip with them as if it were a way to validate the abuse they, themselves, were perpetrating.
Just because someone abuses you mentally, physically, or emotionally, it doesn’t mean you can’t love them. Many victims are afraid to admit that out of shame. It’s okay to love someone who doesn’t treat you with dignity. But it’s not okay to stay in that relationship. Those are two separate things.
Also, the term, “victim” could imply to some people in abusive relationships that they are weak or helpless. It’s not that. It just means you trusted and that person was not worthy of your trust in the end.
Sometimes, the admission that they are being abused is more than many people can bear. This is especially true for people who may appear on the outside to have their lives completely in order.
Oftentimes, a person cannot even admit to themselves that what they are experiencing is abuse because to do so would mean they have to walk away from everything they have invested in, whether it’s a marriage, a house, or even a job.
Just keep in mind, once again, that if there is any kind of abuse going on in your relationship where you feel threatened, controlled, afraid, anxious, depressed, or hopeless, things will not get better in time, and there is no way to fix the problem besides getting yourself out.
There are many resources available these days to help. More than likely you already have friends and family who are worried about you and will help you immediately if asked.
Take charge of the rest of your life, because if you do, I can tell you, it only gets better. It may not be an amazing new relationship that awaits you at first, but it’s going to be freedom, life, and finding that version of yourself that you were always meant to be.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799-SAFE
More…
