Talking About Mental Health Is Good Unless It’s About You Or Your Kids

My fear of being labeled as an unstable parent.

It’s encouraged by society to talk about our mental health. It’s becoming normalized, at long last.

We are together creating an environment where people will not feel so bad about feeling bad and will be able to seek more support to get better.

However, I can think of at least one person in my social circles, more in my outer circles who, although they promote support and talking about mental health, still judge. They put down those who have opened up, even if only subtly. They are absolutely up for others talking about their mental health because it makes them feel better about themselves. Their comments will go something like this:

“Poor thing, she’s such a worrier, I’m so glad my child doesn’t do X or Y.”

“Well, she doesn’t come across as your “motherly” type, so she can’t expect her child to go to her for comfort.”

They seem innocent, and they absolutely don’t come with heavy, negative words about other mothers. But they are still judgemental. If I heard them being uttered about me, I would be offended, especially if I’d taken the time to open up about my worries as a parent.

I know of a few women who try to appear strong on the outside when they really feel vulnerable on the inside. I know of those who judge others’ misery to make themselves feel better. I know of those who still won’t share their issues with others even when others place trust in them.

Because we are still not comfortable. Because we are still judgemental about others and ashamed about our own struggles.

Because talking about mental health is OK as long as it’s not about yours.

And this pisses me off.

Gossip Kills Confidence

I remember a time an acquaintance started talking to me about her friend’s marital problems since she had a baby, and thinking, “why are you telling me this?”

Talking about others’ mental health and their struggles as a way to inform or open up is OK. But I knew where this lady was headed.

She proceeded to talk about how her friend could be digging her own grave by not letting the husband get too involved with the baby. I really had to bite my tongue, but managed to change the subject instead.

When you form an opinion about someone else’s troubles and voice them to others, they stain. I don’t know the friend, but I certainly felt like I was intruding on her life and it would not be fair of me to meet her knowing all this personal information before even knowing her name.

Gossip ruins the talk of mental health.

Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine

Whenever I have felt stuck about my son, I Google it, or I ask a few friends if they have dealt with similar scenarios before.

For example, my latest worry is about whether I am screwing with my child’s social development by chucking him into daycare for two mornings a week. My son, after a month of going, still cries at the gate, and even on the journey there keeps saying “no nursery”, “let’s go to the shop”, etc, and hates getting ready to go.

The guilt I have felt is immeasurable, and my anxiety has been through the roof. So much so I’ve often wondered if I am literally teaching my son to become a nervous child like I was growing up.

But I have thought twice before telling some people about this, in case I’m labeled as an over worrier or unstable mother.

I’m more likely to talk to someone who I know has struggled with motherhood and who I know is more likely to relate to me. I’m more comfortable sharing the nitty-gritty of my feelings with someone who has shared theirs or who has demonstrated a supportive approach. Because I need to know I’m not alone first. Then I can get my problem-solving hat on and get proactive.

If talking about mental health was OK, I wouldn't be going through such a vetting process before opening up to others about it. In fact, the reason I started writing was that I needed an outlet and I didn’t have one at the time. Sharing my problems with the world behind a computer screen somehow feels less invasive, and more therapeutic.

But Whose Problem Is It?

I think there is a certain level of empowerment in making the exclusive effort not to give importance to others’ judgment. That’s another reason why I write about my experiences and my vulnerabilities. When you discard what others might be thinking about you, it’s a step towards recovering from mental health issues.

I certainly feel like I’ve cultivated more of a sense of empathy towards myself by admitting and working through my issues over the years. I feel more at peace knowing I am not alone. I also perversely take comfort in knowing that those who are judgemental have their own battles to deal with and that what they say or think about me has more to do with them.

So, I guess the only way to get past this block that some put on others to talk about their feelings is to simply carry on validating mental health problems regardless. It is another movement that needs perseverance, support, and a whole lot of talking — so that everybody can have access to the tools and resources to get better.

Hopefully, I am teaching my kids how to express themselves with no shame, and they will learn how to get through their struggles.

Final Thoughts

Everyone is judgemental, it’s human nature. It is up to us too to learn what our boundaries are and choose not to care about what others think, without condoning what they say. You can make an effort not to expose yourself to it, and you can also adopt an IDGAF attitude to self-preserve.

There is a difference between those who use others’ mental health as a way to process their own pain or dilute it. Either way, I think overall it would be better to continue opening up and normalizing mental health, for the greater good, and not give so much weight to the judgemental backlash of gossip.

Don’t let others ruin your own ability to open up when you need to — usually, their barriers are more to do with them than you.

Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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