The obvious signs that someone is avoiding you

Feel a divide growing between a friend or a loved one? They may be avoiding you, and these are some of the signs to look for.

by: E.B. Johnson

Has someone in your life suddenly distanced themselves? Are they coming up with excuses, skipping out on plans, or even refusing to pick up their phone? Being avoided is never fun. It’s painful, and it can leave us confused and wondering what went wrong. More than that, it creates a ton of space for misunderstandings which only increases the injured feelings and potential for conflict.

Bringing the relationship back together is possible, but it takes a lot of time and understanding. You’ve got to get a handle on your emotions first, then find the courage to address the growing issues with the person who’s avoiding. Sometimes, it’s only a small issue that leads to a breakdown in our communication. In other instances, though, we have to work as a team to repair deep hurts which are seeking resolution.

Don’t deny the power of intuition.

Our intuition can be a powerful thing when it comes to sensing issues in our friendships and intimate relationships. We can feel when something is off, and our subconscious often notices patterns that we can spot with our waking conscious mind. Has someone close to you started drifting away? Do they seem distant or unavailable? They may be avoiding you or a problem that needs to be resolved.

Don’t deny the power of intuition. If you feel like something is wrong, it very well could be. You’ve got to take a step back and analyze the situation honestly. Have the dynamics in your relationship changed? Do things feel awkward or tense any time you manage to get one another in the room?

Give yourself a little space to really figure things out and make sure to question your emotions. While there may certainly be an issue between the two of you, you may also be projection your own complex emotions over the situation. You need to sit the other person down and have an honest conversation. Question what’s going and question how it can be fixed. Focus on controlling your reaction, though, and ensuring that you protect your mental and emotional wellbeing above all else.

Concrete signs someone is avoiding you.

Has someone you care about stopped talking to you? Have they started canceling plans at the last minute, or failing to make eye contact whenever they’re around? All of these are signs that someone may be avoiding us, but they aren’t the only ones we should be aware of or on the lookout for.

Zero communication

Has your friend or loved one stopped communicating with you? Have they stopped talking to you, taking your calls, or answering your texts? Faltering communication is often one of the very first signs that our relationship could be in trouble, no matter what type of relationship it is. Humans are social creatures, and as such rely on the act of socializing (talking) to stay sane, happy, and healthy.

Always canceling plans

When a friend or loved one begins to cancel plans last minute, it can be a cause for concern. While they may certainly be dealing with stress or drama, they may also be attempting to avoid you or an issue that you’re dealing with. Likewise, rather than canceling outright, they may fail to follow through on promises and commitments to hang out.

Failing to make eye contact

Eye contact is an important part of our communication patterns, and it can help us build trust in one another. When someone fails to make eye contact with you, it can indicate a reluctance to tell you something, or a certain discomfort that isn’t being expressed. Someone who can’t meet your eye (when they always could before) is generally someone who is anxious or nervous about revealing something to you.

Physically distancing

Are you dealing with an intimate partner who is avoiding you? One of the most common signs we can look for is physical avoidance. This can happen through a dwindling emotional and physical affection, and it can also be indicated through an erosion of intimacy too. While they may be there physically, they aren’t present and they pull away by becoming cold and emotionally vacant.

Socially distancing

Social distancing isn’t just for the age of pandemics. It can also be a sign that someone is freezing you out or avoiding you. This happens when someone stops dealing with us on a social level. Maybe they stop following you on social media, or begin to avoid friend groups or social occasions. When they do attend, they remain socially distanced from you and may avoid you altogether. They make it clear that they’re not your friend on a public (and personal) stage.

Insufficient responses

Sometimes avoidance doesn’t involve an outright cold shoulder. Avoidant people don’t have to stop talking to you altogether. They just have to dance around the information or access they don’t want you to have. Instead of ignoring you, they may opt to give you short, terse answers that make you feel distanced or uncomfortable. They’ll make it clear that they don’t want to talk about a certain topic or address certain issues.

Excuses and lies

Does the avoider in your life continue to lie to you? Do they make up excuses and create fantastic tales, all in order to avoid you and whatever confrontation they’re afraid of? A common sign of someone being avoided, it’s a terribly toxic pattern to adopt and one which causes a lot of pain and upset to innocent people. When you lie, you erode trust not only in yourself, but in all the victim’s future problems too.

What you can do about it.

You don’t have to put up with someone avoiding you. If there’s an issue, you need to address it, but you’re going to have to get a handle on your thoughts and feelings first. Give yourselves some space and then find the courage to speak up. Whether you manage to piece things back together or not, you deserve the truth and you have to look out for your happiness.

1. Give yourself a little space

Being avoided by someone we care for is hurtful. One day, we are laughing and walking side-by-side. Then the next day, we find that they’ve disappeared entirely; vanishing from our lives in a puff of smoke. It’s a painful process, and one which can’t always be overcome overnight. Although it seems counterintuitive, the best thing we can do when someone begins to pull away or avoid us is to give them that space (while taking a little more for ourselves).

Don’t jump right into confrontation or conflict with someone who is avoiding you. For all you know, their avoidance may be completely innocent. They may be dealing with stress at work or stress at home. They may have a problem with their kids, or problems with their business.

After realizing that someone is avoiding you, move away from them — not towards them. When we want someone to like us, we chase them, but this chase doesn’t work if you don’t have time to first process. Give yourself a little space and use that space to sort through the array of emotions and thoughts which are filling you up. If you want to approach this person eventually, really focus on what you want that approach to look like.

2. Figure out your reality

Getting space is great, because it allows us to process our emotions and gather our thoughts (and words). It’s just a starting place, though, and doesn’t often give us the full picture of what’s going on or how we want to proceed. While avoidance can be a sign of something seriously wrong, it can also become a figment of an overworked or over-anxious imagination. Are they really avoiding you, or are you insecure? The right answer could make all the difference in our relationships.

Before you approach your loved one, you need to make sure that what’s happening is based in reality, and not a projection formed from experiences. When we have a history that’s riddled with rejection, neglect, or even dismissal, we can find that we look for those same slights in others (and find them too).

Question yourself: Are they really avoiding you? Or are you comparing them to another time in your life when someone gave you space in the worst possible way? Comparisons don’t work, and they only force us to resent one another. Before you confront someone you care about, you need to be sure that you’re genuinely upset about their behavior, and not whatever horrible action their behavior reminds you of in a former life.

3. Have a conversation

At some point, you’re going to want to get down to the truth — and that’s going to require an honest conversation. Until you talk to the person avoiding you, there’s nothing but your imagination to work up and confront. Our imaginations have a tendency to run away with us, or dream up scenarios that are so much worse than reality. To find peace, we need to know the truth, but that only comes when you find the courage to both speak up and listen.

Once you’ve had some time to work through your own feelings (and projections), find a safe time and place in which you and the other person can sit down one-on-one. It’s important that you aren’t interrupted, and that the space is one in which you’re both comfortable and relaxed.

Don’t sugar-coat around the issues. Be respectful, civil, and kind, but also be direct when it comes to sharing how you feel. Without using any aggressive body language or accusing, inflammatory words, tell them what your experience has been like and tell them how you feel. Ask them questions and leave plenty of room for them to express their own feelings and needs. Be honest with each other and don’t flinch at the hard truths.

4. Control your reaction

If you’re lucky, your conversation with the avoidant party will end in resolution. Maybe you’ll be able to reconnect, apologize for whatever went wrong, and work things back to normal. Not everyone is so lucky, though. Perhaps the avoidant person won’t even speak to you. When they finally do, maybe they continue to lie, make excuses, or refuse to address the issue at all.

Whatever the outcome of your attempt to resolve things, you have to be in control of your reaction. They may affect your feelings, but their behavior doesn’t dictate how you decide to react. You alone have the power to lash out, or accept things with grace and move on.

No matter how angry you get, or how nasty you want to be — you won’t change who they are or how they choose to be. You can’t make them be respectful. You can’t make them tell you the truth. You need to accept who they are and then accept that you’re the one who calls the shots in your life. They can either control your emotions in all the worst way, or you can take control of your happiness.

5. Protect your wellbeing

There’s a lot we’re responsible for in our day-to-day lives. Dealing with all that chaos and pressure can be a serious distraction, and it primarily distracts us from one of our biggest jobs in this life. You see, we are responsible for our own wellbeing. We’re responsible for building a life we’re happy in, and we’re responsible for filling it with the people and things that bring us joy and fulfillment.

Protect your wellbeing. If someone is avoiding you and hurting you, you don’t have to put up with it. This isn’t to say that you can force them to talk to you, or force them to tell you the truth. You can’t make someone else do something. What you can do, though, is decide how you will be treated by others.

Stop settling for people who treat you with less love and appreciation than you deserve. Create boundaries for yourself and enforce them by limiting access to your person whenever the line is crossed. People who don’t want to be in your life don’t need to be kept there by you. We have limited real estate in our environments. Ensure that you’re filling that space with people who value you and see your true worth.

Putting it all together…

Is a friend or loved one in your life suddenly avoiding you? Being ignored or blown off is never fun, and it hurts us both emotionally and mentally. If we want to get our relationships back on track, then we need to address the issues and be honest about how we’re feeling and how we want to move forward.

Give yourself some space. Being ignored or avoided by someone we care about isn’t fun, so we need to give ourselves an emotional break so we can process and understand. Once you’ve gotten some space, you need to spend time figuring out how you feel. Are you actually being avoided? Or are there deeper personal issues at play? We can often project our own insecurities on the people around us. If you’re still feeling uncertain, sit the other person down and have an honest conversation. Ask them what’s going on, and question why they are avoiding you. Understand, though, that the only thing you can control in this situation is your reaction to it. Protect your wellbeing at all costs and don’t allow yourself to receive sub-par treatment from anyone.