Setting boundaries with your family the right way

Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they get to take advantage of you. Set boundaries for your loved ones the right way.

by: E.B. Johnson

Though we generally tend to think of boundaries as something restricted to the bedroom and the edges of our intimate partnerships, our boundaries are actually an important part of every relationship we form. These limitations help us to communicate our wants, needs, and expectations with those we care for. To have boundaries allows other people to know what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate when it comes to your body, wellbeing, and joy.

One of the most crucial relationships to set boundaries is is that of our family relationships. No one can take advantage of you quite like family can. They know just want to say and just what to do to pull all the right strings, but that’s not always a great thing for the bond and connection we share. Stop allowing your family to boss and bully you around. Stick up for yourself and do it the right way, by saying no more earnestly and getting focused on your core of self-worth and self-love.

Family relationships need limits too.

It isn’t just our friendships and romantic relationships which benefit from clearly defined boundaries. Our family ties too are protected and sheltered by the boundaries and limitations we choose to set for ourselves. Boundaries are a great thing. They tell someone what we expect of them, and they help us to protect ourselves from those who would abuse us or take advantage of us. In order to set these boundaries, though, we first have to believe in ourselves and our right to thrive on our own terms.

Family relationships need limits too. The people that raised us aren’t always the people who can see us clearly for who we are and what we need. To them, we will forever be that child they knew, or that playmate they once bossed around in the backyard. In order to plant them firmly in reality, we have to set limits and stick to them through assertive and firm behavior.

To love family does not mean you have to accept toxic behavior or an undermining of your happiness. We can love people from a distance and take no part in their lives if that’s the healthiest thing to do. You’ve got to get serious about making some choices for yourself, and you have to get serious about making the right decisions when it comes to family and the way they treat you. Are you willing to accept the dismissal and pain forever? You alone have the power to put your foot down and change it.

What happens when we don’t draw the line.

Drawing the line with our families is an important part of growing up, but it’s a vision that we often struggle to fully realize. When you fail to set boundaries, it has disastrous consequences for your sense of self, your family, and even your intimate relationships too. Do you know how to spot the signs of a family relationship lacking in boundaries? It’s a crucial first step in the journey.

Loss of self

Lacking in boundaries with your family can commonly lead to a detachment from and a loss of self. This happens because you can get into the habit of putting your loved ones before your own needs. In turn, you are forced us to lose touch with self; forced to bury away the things that matter, or the things which you no longer have space for in your life. The loss of self is a heavy loss to bear.

General manipulation

Manipulation is a common tactic used to scale the wall of our flimsy defenses and plant doubt squarely in our hearts. Usually, families rely primarily on the emotional manipulation in order to keep their loved ones in line. When you strike out on your own, they may claim to be emotionally wounded by your decisions. Likewise, when you engage in behavior or thought that is outside their desired realm, you can find that they lash out in a desperate attempt to bring you back into line with fear.

Zero incoming respect

The family without boundaries is often the family which struggles with respect. More often than not, respect becomes a one-way street in these sorts of families. They don’t respect you or the limits which you set, but they demand that you respect and honor them and their boundaries. You may allow them to criticize you or disrespect the things which are important to you. This endless pushing, however, leads you down the road to insecurity and detachment from self.

All-in groupthink

Does your family disrespect your boundaries when it comes to what you think or believe? The family with no boundaries has an invasive approach to thinking and the development of groupthink. Beyond controlling what you think, they control how you think by making decisions for you or heavily impacting the decisions that you make (to the point that they no longer align with your happiness, values, or joy). You can’t separate your values and beliefs from theirs, and find that you always hand yourself over to the incessant groupthink.

Interrupted relationships

What boundaries do you set with your family when it comes to your personal relationships? Whether it’s friendship or a romantic partner, it’s important to set limits on how involved our loved ones are allowed to be in the outside partnerships which matter to us. If your parents or siblings are interfering in your friendships and romantic partnerships, it’s a definitive sign that boundaries need to be reassessed and communicated. Don’t allow them to sew conflict and resentment where there doesn’t need to be any.

Endless over share

Although we should be able to open up to our families, there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed (according to our comfort levels). Do you have parents or caretakers who demand over sharing? Do they over share themselves or burden you with the personal aspects of their lives? Even though we love our family members, we shouldn’t seek to shift our pain on to them. Beyond that, we should respect their right to privacy.

Increased levels of abuse

While we can’t control the behavior of our family and loved ones, we can certainly make allowances for them which encourage their worst behavior. When you fail to set boundaries for your family, you leave room for the abusers in your family to amp-up their behavior or otherwise worsen the way they choose to act. They may become increasingly possessive, controlling, or manipulative. Setting boundaries is as much about protecting ourselves from this abuse as it is discouraging that behavior in others.

How to set boundaries with family the right way.

Stop allowing your family to trample all over your privacy and all over your happiness. Start standing up for yourself and let go of your tendency to let them take advantage. It’s time for you to thrive, but you’re going to have to build up the right kind of walls to do that.

1. Learn how to honor yourself

We are socially conditioned to set our boundaries to the side for our families. We’re raised on the narrative that family comes first (no matter what) and that you should always be there to give to your family — despite what they may have done (or not done). We’re told to roll over and bury ourselves alive, all in the name of their comfort and some sense of looming guilt we feel erroneously attached to. But that’s not love, and it certainly isn’t a healthy way to relate to someone else.

Drop the outdated beliefs. Drop all those ideas that you have to tolerate your family’s poor behavior, just because they made the decision to be a part of your life. Step away from their egos and their emotions for a moment, and focus on your own. How much do you truly honor yourself? How much value do you actually believe yourself to possess?

You need to lean into an impenetrable layer of self-confidence if you have any chance of overcoming a toxic family with little to no boundaries. If you’re going to communicate your needs and stand up for the things you do and don’t want to do, you’re going to need courage. That courage comes from loving yourself and knowing deep-down in your gut that you have a right to thrive within a life that is entirely and authentically your own.

2. Communicate your needs explicitly

While our family should always work hard to respect our limits and our perspectives, it’s hard for them to do that if they don’t know what’s being asked of them. At some point, you’re going to have to approach the family member who keeps pushing you and express both what you want and how you’re feeling. To do this, you need to communicate your needs specifically and remove all room for misunderstanding or error.

Timing is everything when it comes to speaking with your family. Find a safe time and space where you can express yourselves uninterrupted and then share where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Express your needs and then use those needs to lead into the conversation about where you’re at in life and what you want from them and the relationships you share. Leave out blaming language and stay resolution centered.

Once you’re both sure of where the boundary lines lie, give them another chance. Put a time limit on this second opportunity, however, and ensure the wool isn’t getting pulled over your eyes. After communicating our needs, it’s only fair to give them another chance to fix things. They may have made their mistakes with good intentions, or have hurt you from a good place in their heart. These are things that can be repaired with a mutual respect and willingness to work (and talk) together.

3. Anticipate triggers and responses

There are few people in this world that can press our buttons like family does. When you’re struggling with a close family member, they can often resort to triggers in order to get a rise or gain control over you. We have to anticipate these triggers if we ever want to live a life that is full of family, love, and peace. That anticipation isn’t always easy, though. Especially when it comes to our family.

You need to start anticipating triggers and your responses to them, so that you can safeguard your relationship and your wellbeing. It’s not always possible to walk away from family completely, but we can re-affirm our boundaries by being honest about the behavior that sets off red flags and alarm bells.

If you see a family member about to engage in behavior which pushes beyond the edges of your limits, anticipate your reaction and pull away. Engage in the “gray rock method”. Shut down emotionally and limit their physical access to you as much as possible. Give them no fodder for their criticism machines and tell them nothing which is precious or vulnerable information to you.

4. Say “no” earnestly and often

As essential part in the boundary-forming process is learning how to say “no” honestly and earnestly from the chest. We have to turn down our family members when they make an offer that is inappropriate, or cross the line with their demanding requests. There’s nothing wrong with denying someone something which you don’t have or that you don’t want to give. We are not beholden to anyone else, and our happiness is the only happiness we are in control of.

Are you someone who always agrees or goes along with the family plans? Do you find yourself groveling them or shifting completely outside of your comfort zone in order to make them more happy? This isn’t a strategy that can work if you’re looking to build something equitable and fulfilling.

Instead, we have to say no as often and as earnestly as we can. Life is entirely too short to spend it toiling away into the ground for other people. We have a right to be happy, and we have a right to build that happiness on our own terms and around our own families. If your loved ones can’t take a hint, lean into the occasional denial. Make them do some work for themselves and give yourself the space you need to thrive.

5. Empower yourself to do what’s right

At the end of the day, we can’t make people be what we want them to be. Not even our families. We are the ones in charge of changing ourselves, and we’re the ones in charge of deciding whether we consider therapy to be “healing” or not. We can’t control the decisions which other people take, nor can we control who they decide to be or how they decide to relate to those in their families.

Accept your family for who they are, then empower yourself to do what’s right (for you — not them). If you can’t encourage them to change, then you need to make your wellbeing a priority and take steps to protect yourself. A big part of setting boundaries is also in sticking up for them and setting consequences when disrespectful people insist on being disrespectful.

Take a step back from your family or loved ones and look within. Is this behavior worth your mental and emotional sanity? Are you willing to allow the things which are important to you be dashed on the rocks, or pushed aside? Are you really ready to sacrifice your happiness for someone who can’t even realize their own? At some point, you need to take action in the name of your own happiness.

Putting it all together…

Setting boundaries isn’t just something we do in our friendships and romantic relationships, it’s something we have to do within our family connections as well. Failing to set these boundaries leaves you exposed to potential abuse, relationship interference and more. In order to protect who we are, we have to learn to value ourselves and set limits with the people who we love most.

Learn how to honor yourself and value yourself just as much as you honor and value anyone in your family. Your needs are valid, and the things you want are worthwhile and deserved. Don’t allow your loved ones to detract from that. Spend some time getting clear on what you are and aren’t willing to accept as far as their behavior. Communicate those needs explicitly and explain why you need this shift in the way you relate to one another. Anticipate the triggers they will use against you and learn how to manage and limit your response to them. Say “no” more earnestly and more often. Stop going above and beyond for those who don’t do the same for you. Family is a beautiful thing, but it can be a challenging and confusing thing too. Empower yourself to set boundaries and do what’s right to protect your wellbeing. Toxic family doesn’t have a right to your happiness. You are the only person who holds control over that.