Personal space can help enhance your relationship

Lasting and stable relationships require us to find ourselves through the creation of personal space.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our partnerships can become burdened by constant proximity, and they can become stressed when we don’t give our partners the space they need to thrive. We are all different, but all require our individual time and space to rest, recharge, and refocus on our partnerships and what we want from them. When we lose ourselves in our partners, we lose ourselves in life. Getting back to the core of who we are on our own is the answer.

We all have a right to our own personal space, even when we’re in long-term and serious partnerships. Through regularly utilizing the boundaries of our personal space, we can get back in touch with the person that we are and recognize once more the power and the beauty of our individuality. Stop being hung-up on the constant distraction of a relationship overburdened by presence. Get back in touch with you (and allow your partner to do the same) through leaning into the personal space in your togetherness.

The reality of building relationships.

Relationships can seem like magical, mystical experiences — but they’re really more akin to work, with each party being required to put in an active, committed effort. Good partnerships don’t happen by accident. They happen by design. Those happy couples you’ve seen together for 50+ years? They didn’t get there because Jiminy Cricket matched them. They committed to seeing to the needs of their partner, while learning how to balance and honor their own personal space and identity.

Building stable and long-lasting relationships require us not only to grow together but, also to grow apart. This means that we must learn not only how to compromise and match our goals, but also maintain our individuality through personal boundaries and space.

If your partnership is fractured, or you feel as though there’s an underlying tension that you cannot name — creating more personal space for both you and your partner is a great place to start. This does not mean an ending of things, and it doesn’t even require you to learn the comfort of the home you share. Build a better relationship by building a better version of yourself. Improve who you are by getting back in touch with what you want and what you need.

Why we need more space in our partnerships.

Space is an invaluable part of every healthy relationship, but we can lose sight of it when we get caught up in our personal insecurities or those of our partners. We need space in order to keep in touch with who we are, and we need space to keep sight of the love we share for our loved ones, and the future that we’re building together.

Keeping touch with who we are

Individuality is important to happiness, yet it’s often the first thing we sacrifice when investing in a long-term relationship. Life moves fast, and relationships can move even faster — taking us along for the ride before we realize it. Keeping in touch with who we are is critical, and keeping aligned with our changing values, perspectives and even ideals is imperative as we continue to grow and learn and explore. By ensuring yourself personal space in your partnership, you’re ensuring yourself the self-carer and introspection you need to be the best version of yourself.

More authentic connection

Creating space between ourselves and our partners allows us to create more authentic, organic connections with them. It’s hard to stay real when you’re constantly clouding one another. We blanket our emotions, mask our behaviors and even check-out when we spend too much time in one-another’s auras. When we create space, we allow the time we do spend together to be more valuable — which leads to deeper and more genuine connections with the people that we love. If you’re looking for more authentic ways to get close with your partner, personal space is often the answer.

Allowing our partner to bloom

When we spend all our time together, we suffocate one another and drive out all the light. Like plants, we cannot thrive without the light of our own authentic experiences and personal realization. Our happiness does not depend on others. Rather, it depends on us to build on ourselves from the inside out. If we want stronger relationships with fully realized partners, we have to give them space to blossom and realize themselves. True love is not dented by space. It is increased and strengthened by it.

Learning about healthy attachment

More often than not, we cling to our partners because we don’t have a true sense of our attachment styles or how we connect. Some of us need more physical attention from our partners, because we learn insecure methods of attachment as children. Knowing your attachment style is important, and personal space is a critical piece of that puzzle. The more you lean into personal space (while allowing your partner to do the same) the more you can learn to be independent and more appreciative of the bonds you share.

Signs your relationship could benefit from personal space.

Still in doubt about personal space and its place in your partnership? These are the signs that it might be time to take a second look at the way you and your partner are connecting and building together.

Communication breakdown

Though we may believe that increased physical presence equals increased communication skills — that’s not necessarily true. When we’ve had enough of one another, it can lead to us shutting down or shutting the other person out. When this occurs, all bets are off and communication completely breaks down. Your partner can’t open up to you (or won’t) and you don’t feel safe to open up about what you’re thinking either. You both falter when you should be learning to open up, but you can’t see that because you’re both overwhelmed by the presence and expectations of the other.

Too agreeable

Noticed that your partner doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore? Do they automatically agree to anything you recommend? Or do you find yourself doing the same? This is the sign of someone who has checked out — both mentally and emotionally — and it’s also a sign that it could be valuable for you each to get a little personal space. Although we should love sharing experiences with our partners, we shouldn’t go along with every idea. It’s important to speak up for ourselves and speak our truths when it counts.

Arguments abound

On the other end of the spectrum, we can find ourselves arguing with our partners over even the smallest things when we’re irritated and not getting the personal space we need. No matter how much we love someone, we all need to give our brains a break and rest and recharge from time to time. We do this by spending time on our own and getting back in touch with our empathy and our internal compassion. If your communication has faltered and irritations and arguments have become the norm: personal space might be the answer.

Increased codependency

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic and behavior that is learned, being passed down from one generation to the next. It impacts both our emotions and behaviors, affecting our ability to have healthy or satisfying relationships with deep and lasting connections. When you’re co-dependent, you rely on one another for everything from reassurance to decision-making. It’s an unhealthy way to live and an even unhealthier way to build a relationship.

Nagging intuition

Does your connection feel “off”? Irritated by the sight of your significant other, or just finding that you can’t tolerate the things you used to love? This is your intuition is telling you that’s there’s pressure cooking, and the best thing you can do to relieve that pressure is to give one another some space. Using space allows us to make sense of the emotions we’re experiencing, and logically weigh out the pros and cons of how we want to proceed. Nagging intuition is always a message that should be listened to.

Physical presence is a no-go

It’s not healthy to get aggravated by the sight of your partner, and it’s not tenable to find yourself irritated by them when they walk into a room. These feelings, however, are common and can frequently occur in long-term couples who don’t give one another space to breathe. If you can’t stand being around one another, it’s the natural order telling you you’re spending too much time together. Take a step back and give one another a break. Avoid one another for the day and don’t seek one another out 24/7/365.

Stressed to the max

We’re all feeling the pressure, but a relationship on the brink can feel like an even more intense pressure-cooker. If you’re stuck indoors with a partner, or suddenly spend more time together than normal — you might notice that you’re feeling the stress more than usual. That’s okay. There are creative ways that you can create more valuable personal space for you and your partner, and they don’t require expensive holidays or silly real estate purchases. When stress runs high in our relationships, the best thing we can do is walk away.

How to create more (healthy) space in your relationship.

You can create more personal space in your relationship by getting real about what you want, and savvy about how you maintain your boundary lines. Don’t let the guilt and the doubt hold you back from getting the space you need. Use these basic techniques and start rebuilding your partnership from the inside out.

1. Open up a dialogue

The first thing you have to do is open up a dialogue with your partner. It’s hard to talk about “space” — especially if it’s something that’s never existed in the relationship before. It’s critical, however, that we learn how to be honest and open with our partners, and it’s critical that we feel safe and valued enough to ask for a little space when we need it. Start opening up with your partner, and do it before your relationship hits the rocks.

Find a mutually comfortable time and place to sit down with your partner and have a heart-to-heart. Speak plainly and to-the-point, and avoid any blaming language that might turn the discussion into a confrontation. Instead, focus on your needs, and your hopes for your partner. Let them know that the “space” you want isn’t about something bad, but all things good instead.

Once you’ve expressed your point-of-view, give your partner space to do the same. Understand that this idea of space might be new to them, and it might be something that frightens them or touches on a past relationship (or childhood) trauma they may still be haunted by. Look after your needs, but understand your partner’s needs. There’s no need to rush when it comes to making changes in our partnerships. Work together and come up with a plan for creating a personal space that suits you both.

2. Designate space for yourself

If you’re new to personal space, it can be a tricky practicality to navigate. Being constantly in the presence (both emotionally and physically) of our partners is addictive, and like all addictive patterns it’s a comfort zone that we turn to time-and-time again. Get proactive about creating space for yourself, and do it by designating space for yourself both physically and emotionally in your partnership.

There’s no right or wrong way to hack out space for yourself in your relationship, and it can be done no matter your budget or time-restrictions. To start, you can designate one day a week in which you get to spend 1 hour uninterrupted in a physical space in your house. On a grander level, you can designate a day and designate yourself a physical space in your home, like an office, meditation space, or even a small art “studio”.

What matters is that you can regularly create a bubble for yourself, in which you can exist entirely on your own and without the influence (or stress of your partner). In this space you can explore what you want from your future; you can explore the things that are holding you back in your past. You can chase your passions and figure out who you are and what you need. Don’t lean into meek and mild, when what you need to do is stand up for your personal space. Designate space for yourself in your partnership and stop putting it off.

3. Get in touch with who you were

Dipping our toes into the pool of personal space and exploration for the first time can feel daunting. If you’re used to the constant presence, support and input of another person, being on your own is a scary and alien experience. You might feel overwhelmed, or you might feel as though you don’t really know where to begin. In instances of the latter, it can be helpful to look backwards at the things which once inspired us or directed us toward the course of our future dreams and aspirations.

Get started on your new path to personal realization (and space) by starting off where you left off. Lean into pastimes you used to enjoy or passions you used to chase. If you love reading, call-dibs on the bedroom and crack open a new book. If you used to paint, get online and start ordering supplies.

Even if you’re no longer any good at the things you used to enjoy, or they no longer interest you — they are a great starting point to find new avenues of realignment. Fall back into the things you once loved, and let them lead you to new facets of self and new ideas and inspirations. Get in touch with who you were, and let that be the compass by which you are directed toward the person you are today, and the person you want to be tomorrow.

4. Release the guilt

Creating space between yourself and your partner can feel strange, and it can even cause feelings of guilt. If your other-half wasn’t keen on getting out on their own from time-to-time, such a new process can make them feel insecure or otherwise concerned. This, when coupled with our own personal hang-ups can insecurities, can lead to feelings of guilt that make us feel as though we don’t have a right to our own time and space.

Stop perpetuating the belief that your time and your being belong entirely to your partner. Understand that it is okay to spend time on your own. Relationships are a commitment, and that means they are a mutual agreement — not a slave contract. We have a natural right to our own space when we need it. Tell yourself this, and repeat it every day until you realize the truth in it.

Letting go of the guilt you feel for focusing on you will allow you to reach new heights in your self-care routine. Know that your partner is safe on their own, and understand that making choices for you makes their life better in the long run. The more time you regularly spend with yourself, a more reflective and introspective partner you become. That reaps untold benefits for your relationship, and can even help to inspire your partner to realize their own independent truths.

5. Stick to the limits

Ultimately, creating space for ourselves within a partnership requires creating boundaries and sticking to them. To create efficient and successful boundaries, we have to spend time with ourselves figuring out what we truly want and what we truly need. Beyond that, we have to learn how to stick to these boundaries — even when it’s hard — and protect our needs as fiercely as we protect the needs of our children, friends and family.

Don’t allow yourself to be bullied or shamed into diminishing your personal space and identity. When you set such a boundary-line with your partner, communicate why that boundary is important but also communicate that you will not allow it to be trampled over. Sure, we all need to compromise from time-to-time, but some things can’t be compromised on…and that includes your core needs.

Stick to the limits and respect your partner’s boundaries when they ask for you to do the same. Don’t interrupt their personal time and don’t invade their personal space when it’s in a place (or time) that’s designated entirely as their own. Relationships require respect in order to function, and that means both giving and receiving respect with things like setting personal boundaries or creating personal space.

Putting it all together…

Although it may grow contrary to our idea of happy relationships, personal space is often one of the most beneficial tools we can use when we’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed with our partners. When arguments, aggravation or complete check-outs are the norm — it’s time to take another look at your relationship and the benefits that personal space can provide.

Open up an honest dialogue with your partner, and be candid about both what you’re feeling and what you need in the way of personal space. Avoid blaming language, and focus strictly on what you need and why. Allow them space to do the same, and don’t dismiss or downplay any contrary emotions they express to you. We all need time to get used to new ideas. Designate space for yourself — both physically and emotionally — in the relationship, and carve out regular time for you to get back in touch with who you were. Old passions are a great starting point when it comes to forming new personal space habits. Release any guilt that you feel and understand that you have a right to get back in line with who you are and what you want. When you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s only natural to need a little space to refocus on what you want. Set boundary lines and stick to them. You have a right to space and it’s often one of the greatest gifts you can give to your relationship and your partner.