Setting boundaries when you have insecure attachment
It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And the best way to get the life and relationships you’ve always dreamed of.
by: E.B. Johnson
Do you have anxious or avoidant attachment issues? These insecure attachment styles can totally destroy our sense of self and the quality of the relationships that we build. Feeding into them, we create divides and push our partners away in chaotic and upsetting ways. If close intimate relationships are important to you, then you have to address your insecure attachment styles and find better ways to set boundaries.
Signs of an insecure attachment style.
When it comes to insecure attachment styles, there are some concrete signs to look out for. No matter what type of insecure attachment you may deal with, it undermines your sense of self-worth and the relationships that you build. Don’t settle for the resentment and the frustrations. Accept the fact that you attach out of fear, and you can take steps to setting better boundaries for yourself in the future.
Low sense of self-worth
Low self-worth is usually the primary driving factor behind our insecure attachment patterns. Believing that we aren’t worthy of love, we cling desperately to anyone who shows us the smallest amount of affection (or attention). This low self-worth works also in avoidant attachment. If you believe you aren’t worthy of being loved or being happy, then you can pull away from genuine love in the belief that you aren’t good enough for it.
Entirely dependent
Is your happiness entirely dependent on your relationship? Do you rely on your partner for your self-esteem? Your morals? Your beliefs? There’s nothing more toxic to a relationship than becoming entirely dependent on your partner. Not only does this crush both of you beneath the stress of your impossible expectations, it creates divides and major resentment. The only person who can make you happy is you. A partner should complement that happiness, nothing more.
Fear of abandonment
What happens when you think about being dumped or being single? Do you become fearful? Anxious? No one likes the idea of rejection, but they like even less the idea of being abandoned by someone that they love. The rug gets pulled out from beneath us sometimes. We cannot allow this fear to prevent us from living healthier lives. That’s what happens in insecure attachment, though. Your fear of abandonment becomes so overwhelming that you cling to your partners out of desperation.
Personalizing it all
Those with insecure forms of attachment often have a history of abandonment and trauma. Over time, many of them come to internalize their experiences; they begin to think everything reflects their worth. In relationships, this translates as feeling responsible for all your partner’s moods and their happiness. You may ask them all the time if they’re mad at you, or go out of your way to make the environment comfortable for them (ie walking on eggshells).
Constant reassurance
When we require constant reassurance from our partners, it’s a common sign that we have insecure attachment issues. Insecure in yourself, you become insecure in your relationships. Desperate to quell your doubts or your fears, you expect constant praise and words of affection from the people that you bring into your life. At first, this feels like the affection we crave. But soon it becomes meaningless. That’s because the reassurance we crave is internal.
Obsessing over closeness
Are you someone who obsesses over physical closeness in your relationships? Maybe you equate love to physical intimacy. You may also crave this physical intimacy or closeness to an unhealthy level (or a level in which you will make unhealthy choices in order to get it). This confusion muddies the waters of genuine connection and pushes our partners away; creating frustration and aggravation along the way.
Inability to hold faith
Do you struggle to hold faith in others? Generally, this manifests as an inability to trust people easily. Or maybe you don’t trust them at all. While some people aren’t deserving of trust, failing to trust anyone can create paranoid relationships that explode in emotional breakdowns. We have to be able to trust ourselves — and others — in order to maintain stable and loving relationships.
How to set boundaries when you have an insecure attachment style.
When we have an insecure attachment style, it makes it hard for us to set boundaries in any actual way. These boundaries are exactly what we need in order to build stronger and healthier relationships for ourselves, though. When you set boundaries, you communicate both your needs and expectations to the world. More than that, you protect your wellbeing and the things that make you happy in life and in love.
1. Figure out what you need
Before you can set boundaries that help to contain your anxious and avoidant attachment tendencies, figure out where your issues are. Where do the lines need to be drawn for yourself? Where do they need to be drawn to others? There’s a lot of thinking that goes into setting boundaries. You need to know what you want from others, but also what you want from yourself. They aren’t the only ones that cross the line. Your fear pushes you into some scary places, too.
Figure out exactly what it is you need from a relationship, and be brutally honest with yourself. Separate it from the fears and the insecurities. If you were totally confident in the person who you were with (and yourself) what would your relationship look like? What would you get from it on a mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and material level?
You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone until you know what you need. Otherwise, you’re shooting in the dark. You’ll keep landing with people who don’t respect you, and partners and spouses who disappoint and aggravate you. Until you know what you want, you can’t align with someone who has those things. And your partners can’t adequately gauge whether you’re the right one or not. Figure out what you need before you act on a desire to love someone else.
2. Build on your sense of self
Knowing who you are is another crucial part of setting your boundaries. Imagine that you had released all of your insecurities and all of your doubts and fears. Envision who that person would be. How would they interact with others? How would they see themselves? More than anything else, how confident do they feel? Self-esteem has to be at the forefront of the boundaries that we set and the way we reinforce them. You must know who you are, what you want — and believe in both things.
Build on your sense of self. Figure out who you are, and what it means to be that person. This is more than knowing your favorite color, or what kind of job you want. A genuine sense of self means getting familiar with that it means to be you. You’ve got to confront your past, consider your future, and weigh-in on who you are in the present moment.
What do you like about yourself? The world? Relationships? Family? What do you value in these things? What would you consider to be a fulfilling future? These questions have to be answered. And there are even more questions that come up as we delve deeper into the heart of who we are. Question yourself. Test yourself. Get out into the world and try new things. Build more-and-more on your sense of self and the boundaries that you need to set will reveal themselves to you.
3. Learn to value boundaries
You will not be able to effectively set boundaries for yourself if you still view them as a negative thing. Those of us who were not allowed to set boundaries as children struggle to see the value in them as adults. We come to see our value as equivalent to the amount of self we can sacrifice to others. That leaves us at the mercy of those who take advantage and steamroll us. We deserve better, but getting that requires that we shift the way we see boundaries as a whole.
Learn to value boundaries. It’s not a bad thing to have standard and set limits. Our boundaries help us to figure out who belongs in our life, and who doesn’t. They also help us to establish on a path that is authentically tuned to our higher purpose and our ultimate goals.
Don’t allow the judgement of others to affect your boundaries. They should have little to do with how they are formed. Focus on your needs as it relates to the world around you. And question anyone who pushes your boundaries or devalues them. This won’t feel comfortable at first, but you have to learn to celebrate the limits that keep you and your happiness safe. See these new boundaries as the first step in getting the relationships and experiences that you truly enjoy in your future.
4. Give yourself an incentive
One of the best ways to mitigate the discomfort of any major change in our lives is by setting incentives. It’s okay to give yourself positive reinforcement. It’s encouraging, and it helps trick our brains into understanding that this discomfort is a good thing. Be creative. Instead of resisting these new limits for yourself and your partners, reward yourself for doing the right thing and leaning into your boundaries.
Reward yourself when you form a boundary, and when you effectively enforce it. Little-by-little your will come to see them as the benefits that they are. Be creative with your celebrations. Maybe you treat yourself to a small chocolate bar, or that massage you’ve been dreaming about.
Do what you need to do in order to make these uncomfortable new actions rewarding. You’re not always going to get a positive reaction when you have to stand up for yourself and your wellbeing. Prepare for this. Have a reward plan in place for those times when your new boundaries create drama within yourself or your relationship. Feel you’re going to break and cross the line for yourself? Pick an incentive that can distract you and help you work through these challenging new emotions from a distance (ie mini-golf, painting, running, etc.).
5. Invest in those who respect you
A major part of our boundary struggle has to do with the quality of the people we invest in. Those with insecure attachment regularly gravitate toward the power-hungry and abusive, who can satiate both their fear of commitment and their low sense of self-worth. Make this process of growth easier for yourself by committing to invest in a higher caliber of person moving forward. You know, those who don’t push your boundaries or test how far they can challenge you.
Stop settling for people who can’t value your boundaries as much as you value them. Instead, invest in people who respect your boundaries; people who encourage you to be your own person. You shouldn’t have to fight to feel comfortable around your friends and your family. So stop putting up that fight.
Pull your energy and your time away from people who continually cross the line with you. If they can’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t deserve to take up space in your life. No one is entitled to our time or our energy. Not our parents, not our siblings, not our partners, not our bosses and coworkers. You are the only one who decides what flies and doesn’t fly in your life. So don’t fill it up with people who make this a struggle. Choose better partners, lovers, friends, and chosen family for yourself.
Putting it all together…
When we suffer with insecure attachment patterns, boundaries become a must in order to establish security. Your partner isn’t responsible for giving you these boundaries or this sense of security. All of that has to be handled in your own time and on your own terms. Which (of course) means setting boundaries with both yourself and those you bring into your life. Until you learn a more secure way of being, you’ll keep repeating the same old toxic patterns.
Figure out what you need first and foremost. How do you want to be treated by the people who are in your life? What do you expect? What aren’t you willing to tolerate? From there, build on your sense of self and increase your self-esteem. This is a must in allowing yourself to set boundaries, and it’s a must in requiring others to respect them. Learn to value your boundaries. See them not as a challenge, but as a benefit. Reward yourself for setting them, and incentive yourself further by rewarding yourself when you stand up for them. Don’t make it harder on yourself by pursuing those who can’t respect you. Invest in high caliber people and your boundaries will become easier to enforce. Insecure attachments don’t have to control us. We can build a better future by building better boundaries for ourselves.
