Signs your relationship is suffering from boredom

Feeling stuck in a rut with your partner? These are the undeniable signs you’re both suffering from boredom.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships, much like the natural environment, go through phases and seasons which shift and change the natural lay of the land. The person we fall in love with is not the person we see all the time, and the same goes for ourselves. We change as we deal with the challenges life throws in our path, and our partner has to find a way to continue to love that person.

Sometimes — within these natural cycles — we can find ourselves bored or feeling as though we are stuck in a rut. Our relationship isn’t going forward, but it isn’t going backward either. It’s frozen in the same stagnant place, and we are stuck with it. While not always a pleasant experience, this is usually a good time to think and reflect. When your relationship slows down, you’re given a chance to see things as they really are (and what you want within them).

Boredom can be a natural part of the process.

Many people fear boredom in their relationships, but it can be (and usually is) just a part of the natural ebb-and-flow of love. You see, partnerships don’t have to be passionate all the time. Just as the world naturally slows and cools in winter, our relationships also go through natural cycles of cooling that help us to better appreciate and understand when things heat up again.

If our relationships ran hot all the time, they would leave us exhausted, bent, broken, and scorched. Rather than running a steady marathon, we would find ourselves running 100M dashes, over-and-over again. It helps to think of boredom in a relationship as a natural coping mechanism. We still for a while, preserve our energy, and then reach out for one another again when we’re ready.

Time to flip the boredom switch in your relationship and get yourselves back on track? There are a number of ways you can spice things up again and fall back into the lap of affection with one another. This can only happen, though, be embracing your boredom and being honest about the state of your relationship right here and now. Are you ready to put in the work and re-focus on the future? It’s going to take the effort of all parties involved, along with a big dose of brutal honesty.

Undeniable signs you’re bored in your relationship.

When it comes to boredom in a relationship, there are some concrete signs that we can always be on the lookout for. A stagnant relationship is one in which intimacy is often lacking and presence is non-existent. With no new adventures to look forward to, and avoidance becoming common — how can we hope to stay focused on another and the future we’re building?

Lack of intimacy

Do you and your partner struggle to be intimate with one another? Do you feel more like ships passing in the night than star-crossed lovers, or close best friends? Intimacy is important to a romantic partnership, on both the physical level and the emotional level as well. We need to be open and vulnerable to our partners, but that’s hard when life is challenging. If your intimacy has disappeared, it could be a sign that you’ve grown bored where you are.

No new adventures

Exploration and excitement are one of the most enjoyable parts of having an intimate relationship. With your partner, you get to explore the world through a new set of eyes, but you also get to explore things like sexual boundaries and a sense of purpose. When we fail to set any new adventures or moments of excitement for our relationships, things can quickly grow stale and push us away from one another.

Failing communication

What is your communication with your partner like? Do you talk frequently about the things that matter to you both? Or do you spend a lot of time not opening up with one another? Failing communication is another common sign of a partnership that’s stuck in a rut. Feeling as though we’ve heard it all, we can grow silent and turn inward with one another. Communication then fails and we can drift apart even further than we realize.

Avoiding one another

Avoidance in a relationship is never a good sign, and it takes on many shapes and manifestations. Perhaps you’ve started over-packing your schedules so you don’t have to spend as much time with one another. Maybe you’re socializing with friends and coworkers more than one another. However you’re doing it, avoiding one another is always a sign of a serious issue that needs to be addressed. High up on this list is often boredom, which we feel awkward or guilty for opening up about (even though we shouldn’t).

Not looking to the future

Making plans is yet another key feature of the happy relationship. When we’re excited about the course, our relationships are taking, we get excited about the things we are manifesting for ourselves down the line. The bored couple doesn’t make plans. They’re so scared and so frozen that they do nothing at all. Instead of looking to the future, they’re completely focused on their current struggles; not unlike a horse wearing blinkers. We need to make plans we can get excited about working toward together.

Seeking new pastures

Have you found yourself seeking new pastures or allowing your mind to wander? Maybe you imagine what it would be like to be with someone else? Or have a relationship like theirs? While this can be a serious warning sign of deeper issues, it can also be a sign that you’ve become bored with the day-to-day “norm” of your relationship. Though we don’t like to admit it, this is natural — and relatively easy to solve too. We just have to open up to our partner and find creative ways to compromise on mixing it up.

Feeling generally restless

General feelings of restlessness are always a sign of a relationship that’s grown stale. Think of life like a garden. Even in the dead of winter, things are always constantly moving, constantly growing. Our relationships are like that too. They naturally want to grow and change shape with time, but we often don’t allow that in a desperate attempt to cling to our sense of comfort. We must embrace these changes, though, and help our relationships branch out in order to avoid disappointment and boredom.

What to do when your relationship hits a boredom wall.

Has your relationship hit the boredom wall? Are you and your partner stuck in a rut and ready for it to end? You can take action right now that will have a direct effect on how you see one another and your partnership. You both have to commit to changing, however, and commit to doing your part when it comes to putting in effort and spicing things up.

1. Ask more questions more often

In the beginning of a relationship, we often ravenously seek out details about our partners. When we really love someone, we want to know everything about them. Stories get told, though, and it doesn’t take long to feels though we’ve heard them all. As the relationship lags on, we fall out of this habit of wanting to know more, believing that we know all there is. By consciously asking more questions, though, we can discover so much more.

Just as you live a complex life full of choices and consequences each day, so too does your partner deal with a nuanced and intricate inner world. Get in touch with this inner world and open up a new horizon by consciously asking your partner more questions.

Get to know them all over again. The next time you make space for one another, ask them about their childhoods, their friends, the zany things their parents did. Ask them how their day was, or what decision their boss came to on that proposal. Ask them about anything and everything — then leave room for them to respond. The more often you do this, the more you will begin to uncover a beautiful new person you may not have realized existed at all.

2. Invest in regular shows of affection

How often do you and your partner go out of your way to show affection for one another? If you’re feeling bored, then the chances are probably not especially high. Affection is a cornerstone of most romantic relationships and helps us to reaffirm our connection and commitment to one another. This affection isn’t limited to hugs and kisses alone, either. It includes verbal confirmations and acts of care as well.

Invest in regular shows of affection with your partner — and do it often. Tell them you love them. Give them a hug unexpectedly. Celebrate the physical and emotional aspects of them that you adore most. Realize, though, that these standards of love aren’t enough. To be affectionate, we have to put in effort too.

Help your partner with chores around the house. If you see them struggling to keep up (or even if they aren’t) — ask them if they need or want another set of eyes to take a look. Go out of your way to say to them, “I am here for you and I want to be here for you.” By creating more intentional space for these open displays of affection in your partnership, you open the doors to intimacy and excitement again.

3. Always have something to look forward to

Building a life together is a tricky thing to do, and it becomes even more so when we find ourselves dealing (additionally) with the stress and responsibilities of everyday life. Who has time to sit down for a cuddle and a nice dinner for two when there’re children to raise, and money to make? The answer: you do. If you want to get out of your rut, then you need to have something to look forward to.

Re-stimulate your relationship by ensuring you always have something exciting on the horizon to look forward to. Set up a regular date night and stick to it. If you have to put the kids to bed or beg a family member to babysit — figure it out. You need time together as a couple to rediscover a sense of excitement. It won’t happen by magic.

Go out and explore new places you’ve never been. Try new foods together. Test the edges of your sexual boundaries and push one another in and out of your comfort zones when it comes to experiencing and enjoying yourselves. Get back into the habit of having fun together and being excited about life together. Find the excitement in one another’s bodies, minds, and spirits without breaking the bank (or your sense of self).

4. Be present with one another

When we get bogged down in life, we often drift apart from one another in our relationships. While natural, it’s important that we acknowledge these drifts and address them before the divide becomes too great. Boredom is often an early sign of a drift apart. Though creating excitement and including affection can help combat this, they aren’t the total picture. We have to be present with one another too and get back into the habit of leaning into one another.

Be present with another. Talk with and communicate over coffee. Drop your inner egos and really listen to one another. Notice what it feels like to be near your partner. How does your body respond to them? Does your heartbeat speed up when they talk to you a certain way? Or when they give you that look?

Reconnect with what it feels like to simply be in the company of one another without expectation. Don’t force anything. Don’t anticipate the conversation or pressure yourself to present a certain scenario. If you fall into silence together, all the better. Be comfortable just being in the same room with one another, and you’ll find that sense of physical longing again. There’s a great power in presence, and it can help you overcome your boredom too.

5. Branch out as a couple

Branching out as a couple is so crucial, yet so many couples allow themselves to fall into the same old nauseatingly comfortable patterns. We find stability in our routine as couples, but that doesn’t always empower us to grow as people or as partners. Life is not passive. It is wild, and it is brutal, and it moves quickly and with purpose. The same goes for our relationships. Though we might want them to stay in the same place, this isn’t possible. Like all things, they must grow to stay alive and this requires branching out.

Branch out as a couple, but do it with the same intention and purpose as a gardener. Sit down with your partner and start making plans for the future again. Be honest with yourselves and about yourselves. What do you want on the horizon? What activities and achievements do you need to conquer to feel as though you are a success in life and love?

Explore new vistas and avenues of communication and connection. Deep dive into the exploration end of the pool and rediscover this world and your place within. Learn new skills together, make new social circles, and set out to discover all you can about your partnership and who you both are within it. Make space for yourselves as a couple, but as individuals too, and strive to fill your life with all the weirdness and unique eccentricity that allows you both to bloom and blossom in unison.

Putting it all together…

All relationships pass through a series of natural ebb and flows, and boredom is often waiting for us in the depths of these dips. When we fail to stay connected and focused on the exciting aspects of our partnerships, things can grow stale and we can grow unhappy as a result. In order to spice things up again, we have to learn to see our relationships (and our partners) in a new light, while taking conscious action the change the way things are.

Ask your partner more questions and do it intentionally. Seek to get to know who they are right now, not just who they were when you fell for them. Show them affection and receive theirs with gratitude and compassion. Cultivating this affection enables us to reconnect with one another and get back on the same page again. Ensure that there’s always something to look forward to, and that there’s always a new vista on the horizon for the two of you to explore together. This keeps the focus on growing together and scoops you out of the boredom rut as a unit. Be present with one another and learn how to spend time together without needing to feel pressure or validation. Then, branch out as a couple and allow yourselves to grow as individuals in love and fulfillment with the world all around you.