Why you feel so disappointed in your relationships
Does every relationship seem to end in a let-down? This may be the reason why you always settle for disappointment in love.
by: E.B. Johnson
We don’t get to choose how our relationships play out, or even how they end. While we may kick things off with the best of intentions, we can soon find our partnerships crumbling to the ground. Love is disappointing sometimes, that’s just the way life is. It becomes even more disappointing, though, when we aren’t honest with ourselves and we aren’t honest with our partners.
Love requires a dose of reality.
As children, the idea of love and fairy tales gets closely intertwined. In a sense, this is the first place we begin to blur the lines, but it’s also the starting point to a major misunderstanding. Love and relationships aren’t fairy stories. They don’t happen by accident and they don’t last thanks to magic and cosmic fate. Good relationships work because the partners in them are honest; honest about what they want, what they need, and what it takes to make things last.
True love that’s worth sticking around for requires a giant dose of reality. Seeing someone as we want to see them will not make them a good fit. It will not make them a good partner, or make them change the things they want for themselves. We have to accept our own needs and then see the people we’re settling for as they truly are.
You need to talk to the people you’re falling for. You need to open up and connect with one another by sharing your hopes, dreams, and future intentions. Stop settling for people who don’t have what you need and build healthier, more efficient relationships by being candid, refusing to settle, and re-prioritizing the way in which we see both relationships and the people we cultivate those relationships with.
Why your relationships are always disappointing.
Disappointing relationships become a pattern because we allow this to happen. In order to shift this love rut, we have to address our root issues and be honest about what we’re getting wrong and the ways in which we’re settling for less than we need.
Failing to heed needs
We all have needs in this life, and these needs touch on everything from the way we take care of our physical bodies to the way we connect in relationships. Being happy with a partner requires that you’re upfront about your needs with then. If you don’t identify your needs and you don’t honor them, then you’ll end up with conflict, resentment, and disappointment. When we don’t communicate needs and don’t commit to partners who have or want the same things — that’s when we end up with disaster.
Inability to communicate
Are you someone who struggles with communication or opening up to your partner? We have to talk to one another in order to stay bonded and on the same page. We have to speak and be open in order to address the issues that arise and establish the compromises that bring us peace. If you don’t communicate what you want and what you need, then you’re going to end up disappointed in one another.
Unwilling to branch out
If you are someone who keeps falling for the same type of disappointing relationship over-and-over again, it could be related to your unwillingness to “branch out”. We’re not always attracted to people who are good for us — for one reason or another — and that’s important to recognize. We need to branch out and allow ourselves to let better-fitting partners into our lives and our hearts.
Valuing ego over connection
Some people value their ego and their pride over anything else, and that doesn’t change in their intimate relationships. Do you insist on having everything your way? Do you see relationships as a power struggle, or something in which you have to come out on top in? Valuing your ego over the mutual happiness and stability of your relationship can lead to major disconnects and unhappiness over time.
Playing blame games
We can’t build stable and respectful relationships when we blame our partner or refuse to take responsibility for our mistakes. Personal accountability matters just as much in a partnership — if not more. We have to have the courage to admit when we’ve gotten it wrong or hurt out partner. Then, we have to learn from our mistakes and actively try to repair the damage and make it better.
Avoiding the issues
You’ll always be disappointed in love if you can’t learn to face your issues. Avoiding your problems in a relationship always leads to increased conflict and other negative emotions like resentment and self-loathing. Failing to speak up allows the issues to fester, creating bigger divides and deeper wounds that are harder to heal and repair. Trying to avoid conflict at all costs will get you nowhere but landed in a world of disappointment.
Settling for not enough
Perhaps the most common reason we wind up disappointed in our relationships is our tendency to settle for partners who don’t have what we want. We all need and desire different things in our relationships and the people we build them with. When we invest in people who are a poor fit, we wind up living a life with someone who doesn’t bring us joy or that deeper sense of being “seen” that we’re all chasing.
How to build more fulfilling partnerships.
We don’t have to stay stuck in the disappointment loop forever. By getting honest about our needs and finding better ways to communicate, we can stop settling and start building partnerships that are real. Set boundaries and prioritize your relationships appropriately. That way you can build connections that really matter and a future that’s both fulfilling and filled with love.
1. Be honest about your needs
You’ll never have a happy relationship until you build one that satisfies your needs. This includes your physical needs, your emotional needs, and the things you’re aiming for in your future. Before you can share these needs with someone else, though, you first have to recognize them for yourself. Not only does this take introspection, it takes radical self-honesty and a commitment to self-love.
It’s time to be honest about your physical and emotional needs. You need to admit what you want from your partner, and what your relationship to look like now and in the future. Covering up your needs won’t make you any happier. It won’t change what’s fundamentally important to your wellbeing.
Before you jump into anything serious, or start making any major overhauls to your relationship — take a step back and seriously consider what’s the most important to you. How do you need your partner to treat you? How do you want to feel when you’re with them? What do you want your goals to be? And what shared objectives are a must? These are all answers you need to have before you commit and invest in someone for the long-term.
2. Find better ways to communicate
Communication is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, but many of us struggle to be open and vulnerable…even with partners who we love dearly. You need to know how to express what you want, and you need to be able to express your emotions, even the complicated ones. When we find better ways to communicate, we enhance the way we connect to one another.
You’ll never be happy in a relationship until you learn how to communicate (and you pick those who are willing to communicate as well). We have to talk about our feelings, talk about what we want in the bedroom. We especially have to talk about our general needs and the plans we’re making for our own futures.
Learn how to communicate candidly, but also with compassion and with respect. When you’re hurt and when you’re angry, you need to be able to approach your partner calmly and with your aims in mind. Likewise, you both need to create safe spaces in which you know that you can trust your partner to protect you whenever you’re feeling vulnerable or exposed by your feelings.
3. Stop settling for less than you want
Disappointing relationships — more often than not — have a lot to do with our willingness to settle for someone who doesn’t have what we want. We do this for many reasons. Some have low self-esteem that tells them they have to accept the first person who comes along (no matter how badly they may fit the bill). Others crumble to the pressure of society, or the pressures to settle put on them by family and friends.
Stop putting your time into people who don’t want the same things that you do. You won’t get the perfect relationship by settling for someone who doesn’t have what it takes. We can’t change our partners, only ourselves. Rather than investing in someone you have to change, seek someone who already complements your needs.
It’s time to take a stand for what you want. There’s no reason to waste your time and energy on someone who isn’t going the same way in life. You’re better off being single and waiting for the right person than giving away the valuable real estate in your intimate life to someone who doesn’t need to be there. Stand by your standards and your needs. When you stop settling for what you don’t want, you’ll stop landing in disappointing relationships.
4. Set boundaries for yourself
Boundaries are so crucial in building happier relationships, but these boundaries don’t only apply to our partners. We have to set limitations for ourselves, both before we get into our relationships and once we’re invested in them. We can’t allow ourselves to be pushed beyond the point of comfort, or go down paths that suit us for the sake of someone else’s happiness.
Setting boundaries isn’t just for other people. We have to set boundaries for ourselves and lean into limitations that make it harder for us to fall back into settling. Don’t let yourself cross the line and go back to old habits and attractions that don’t pay off in the long run.
Be aware of yourself and be aware of where you are and how you’re feeling whenever you’re around someone new. Notice when you’re allowing yourself to ignore red flags and notice too when you see the same old mistakes beginning to manifest. You need to become better at stopping yourself and ensuring you stick to the standards and needs that feed your core relationship needs.
5. Put your relationships in their place
Too many of us have been taught from an impossibly young age to revere romantic relationships as the be-all and end-all to happiness. This has created toxic behaviors and toxic patterns, though, with adults who are desperately looking for the love of another person in order to feel as though they are “good enough” to belong. It’s time to put our relationships in their rightful place so that we can fully realize what happiness means to us.
Stop destroying yourself (and your happiness) over the idea of a relationship. You are not defined by your ability to get people to romantically commit to you. You are not defined by your relationships and you will not cease to exist without them. Life goes on. Prioritize your partnerships appropriately.
Our relationships should form a piece of our happiness, they should not be the only path to happiness. Putting this much pressure on someone else and a circumstance so changeable is a major mistake. You need to have a life outside of your partnerships, and you need to have things that still provide you with connection, value, and meaning for when your love begins to change. Stop making romance the only reason for your life. Put your relationships in their place and find your own inner peace.
Putting it all together…
Are you tired of working through one disappointing relationship after another? We end up in unfulfilling partnerships because we ignore our needs and allow ourselves to settle for people who don’t have what we want. If we want to escape the disappointment loop, we have to get honest about what a relationship really means to us, and set better, more effective boundaries and standards for ourselves.
Be honest about your needs, both with your partner and with yourself. We find the right people by being upfront about what we want and what we require from our relationships. Find healthier ways to communicate with one another and be open sooner rather than later. Don’t settle for people who don’t have what you need, unless you want to end up with heartbreak, resentment, and disappointment. Set boundaries for yourself and boundaries for those around us. We protect our wellbeing through our boundaries, and we all have a right to set the limits that make us feel secure. Put your relationships in their proper place and stop making your romance the center of your life. Build a fulfilling inner life, and maintain your independence if you want to have happier, healthier relationships that bring more joy than disappointment.
