Are you really asking too much?

Are you really asking too much, or are you just asking for what you need?

by: E.B. Johnson

If you’re someone who lives within their emotions in any way, then you’ve probably heard that you’re “asking too much” at some point or another. Asking too much is an interesting concept, and one that extends far beyond the bounds of our romantic relationships alone. While you can most certainly ask too much from your partners and your friends, you can also ask too much from yourself, and in that direction lies disappointment and heartache.

“Too much” looks different to everyone, but getting to the root of that definition first requires honestly identifying your own needs. Our happiness is our responsibility, but that does not mean that certain expectations end or become unfair. When we experience a lot of setback, heartbreak or disappointment, it can cause us to rely too heavily on others and too heavily on ourselves too. Finding the balance requires digging deep and making peace with who you are where you’ve come from.

Expressing our needs and getting past our hangups.

We live in a culture that places a heavy emphasis on autonomy and independence, but at the same time it seems to shun those who openly and honestly express their needs. When we open up and start expressing ourselves, we are often met with (at best) dismissal and (at worst) ridicule. It can be hard to be honest both with ourselves and with others when we’re trying to be honest about where we’re at. But it’s something that has to be done in order to find fulfillment.

Failing to get past your hangups, and failing to get over the pressure you feel from society to “shut up and get on with it,” is a perilous mistake to make. When we bury things deep down inside, and stop meeting the minimal quotas we need to feel joyful in our won skin, we can become overly critical, overly self-reliant, or we can slide to the other end of the scale and start defining our needs completely on the terms of others.

True happiness comes when you learn how to recognize your needs and then learn how to express those needs (when and where appropriate). We are the only ones who are responsible for our own happiness, but that does not mean that there are not things that we expect from those people and circumstances we use to fill our lives. Being honest with ourselves and others is key in building the life we want, but we also have to be realistic about what is our responsibility and what is left to the hands of fate and chance.

Asking too much of yourself.

There are a number of experiences and personality quirks that can make it hard for us to reach out to others, or ask for help when we’re feeling up against it and stressed. More than that, we often put far too much pressure on ourselves and expect more than we should — all in the name of warped beliefs that are based in neither reason nor reality. When you ask too much of yourself…this is what it can look like.

Seeking perfection

Perfectionists are intense characters and they often lead intense and turbulent inner lives, in which they crush themselves with undue pressure, stress and responsibility that eats away at who they are. The perfectionist strives to get everything right, but in that journey they take on more responsibility than they should and lost sight of the entire purpose of life’s journey. If you expect yourself to perform and react perfectly every single time…you’re expecting far too much. And putting more pressure on your mental wellbeing than you have to.

Lack of self-compassion

When you lack self-compassion, it can lead to certain internalizations and a crushing internal pressure that undermines your overall health and happiness. Lacking self-compassion will cause you to look down on who you are, but it will also lead to you pushing yourself further than you should or beating yourself up over things you can’t control. Self-compassion is key in forming a life that is both comfortable and secure, but it’s something that can get lost when you’re suffering with codependency and low self-esteem.

Puppet master

If you are someone who thinks they can control people or change them, then you are definitely expecting too much and asking too much of yourself and your abilities. People don’t change for other people. While change is most certainly possible, it’s highly unlikely, and it’s impossible to change without doing it yourself and from within. Those who insist on taking on the weight of the world, however, refuse to accept this — and can collect broken people and broken things around them as a result. In that path lies a great deal of heartbreak, however, and a loss of personal identity and opportunity.

Fear of stopping

Because they believe that they must carry the weight of the everyone else’s burdens, those who ask much of themselves often suffer from a fear of stopping, slowing down or even just taking a breath. While this is very commonly linked to our trauma reactions, it results in someone who pushes themselves too hard and too far; all in the name of material pursuits, or meeting the needs of others before you meet your own basic needs.

Asking too much of your relationships.

You don’t just ask too much of yourself at times. If you’re someone who’s experienced a lot of difficulty or heartache in your childhood or romantic past, you might have formed the habit of relying too greatly on others for the happiness and fulfillment you’re looking for.

Believing they “owe” you anything

When it comes to our romantic relationships, we can commit a lot of time and a lot of energy. Sometimes, it almost feels like you’re making an investment — and in many ways you are. Relationships are investments with no guaranteed returns, however, and it is unfair to expect otherwise. If you believe that your partner “owes” you something (because of effort or aid that has been given sometime during the duration of your partnership) then you are asking too much of both them and yourself. Healthy and balanced relationships never have a balance sheet.

Unreal expectations

Having standards is a great thing when it comes to finding our romantic partners, but when those standards become pedestaled expectations, we’re asking too much. Having a mile-long list of dealbreakers is a sign you’re being unreal, and it’s a sign that you demand more of your partner than can realistically be delivered. It can also potentially be a sign of your own complicated hang-ups and issues, signaling a need to reassess how you bond and connect, as well as your understanding of partnerships.

Restricted entitlement

Relationships are complex and dynamic, and they exist in a constant state of delicate balance. Because they’re so delicate (and they move so quickly) it’s important to speak up for our needs, but that can be hard to do when you have warped attachment styles or avoidance issues. The problem there, however, is that communication is absolutely required in order to create happy and working partnerships. If you don’t speak up for your own needs, and just expect your partner to know what you want and when you want it — you’re asking too much, and you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Obsession and isolation

When you allow your new relationship energy to get out of control, it can lead to an extreme form of infatuation that shifts all the resposibility onto one partner or the other for a united “happiness”. This type of social isolation isn’t healthy, and it eventually leads to resentment and undue pressure to be something that you aren’t. Obsession isn’t love, but it is forcing the expectation of someone bearing all the responsibility for your happiness. Something which is, of course, impossible to do.

Dependent self-esteem

Other people cannot give you your self worth, no matter how much lip-service they pay to you, or what actions they take. The only person who can make you truly feel good about yourself is you, and you’re the only person who can ever appropriately acknowledge the full extent of your worth. When your self-esteem is based entirely on your partner, you’re putting far too much responsibility on them and making your relationship emotionally imbalanced (and unrealistic). No one should be responsible for someone else’s self-worth. Not our spouses. Not our parents. Not our children. We are the only ones who can make ourselves feel worthwhile.

Why we take our reliance to extremes.

We don’t just wake up one day and decide that we want to rely on everyone and everything else for the happiness we’re looking for in this life. It’s a behavior that’s learned, and it’s one that’s learned over time from continual heartbreak, disappointment or discomfort. Getting to the root of our over-reliance means understanding where it manifests from.

Warped ideas of love and self

One of the biggest reasons we find ourselves asking too much centers around warped ideas of love and self. If you are someone who was denied the appropriate level of love and affection from your caretakers as a child, it may make you desperate to find that love in others later on — leading to a placing of expectations and responsibility on your partner that can never be met. Likewise, having skewed ideas of self, or defining yourself entirely by achievements and relationships can also lead to considerable hardship and stress in your adult life.

Feeling overwhelmed

Sometimes, we go looking for more than we should because we feel overwhelmed or feel as though we need someone to “save” us. It can be hard to see things clearly when you’re dealing with all the demands of modern life, but there’s no one else who can do it for us. Whether we’re stuck with bills piling up, or we’re just looking for a sense of direction and purpose: we are the only people who can save ourselves. No one else can (or will) do it for you. No matter how much they love you, and no matter how much you love them.

Low self-esteem

Childhood trauma and other heartbreaks and adverse experiences can do a lot to impact our sense of self, and they can go even further in impacting our confidence. When you have low self-esteem, it leads to a “leaning out” which can cause you to cling to others and become unnecessarily hard on yourself. Low self-esteem is poisonous, and it only becomes more toxic the less it’s left to fester. Feeling as though you can’t rely on yourself will cause you to over-rely on others, and in that direction lies certain dissappointment.

Fear

Being afraid to take charge of our own life is natural, as is the fear of going after the things we deserve. Getting what we want is big, and it offers a sense of uncertainty that exists along the lines of, “Then what?” The more we allow fear to rule our lives, the more paralyzed we become…until we’re sitting on the sidelines and letting other people call all the wrong shots for us while we slowly disappear. Stepping up to the plate for our own lives is scary, but it’s so, so necessary. We have to take charge of our own destinies if we want to move forward.

How to stop asking for more than you should.

Just because we’ve relied on some unhealthy reliance-techniques in past does not mean we have to lean into those patterns forever. We can learn to be stronger, and we can learn to stop asking ourselves (and others) for too much when we make peace with who we are and find the strength to assert our self-reliance. Tapping into that strength is a journey, and not one that should be taken lightly, but it is extremely worthwhile. The more you rely on yourself for joy, the easier it becomes to find it…no small feat in this dog-eat-dog world.

1. Make peace

The first step in learning how to stop asking outwardly for what you should be generating inwardly is making peace. Making peace with who we are and what we want is a critical part of growing up. It’s also an integral part of becoming who we’re meant to be, and living in peace with our authentic natures and desires. Making peace with your life is all about intention, but it’s also about understanding the patterns and behavioral loops that are leading down the rabbit hole to unhappiness and codependence.

Make the decision to change, and within that decision also make the decision to accept who you are and the reality of what you want. Journaling can be a great way to open up, and start confessing how you’re leaning too hard into others, and how it’s affecting your confidence and sense of self. It can also be a great way to get a distanced look at what you need to do next.

Acknowledge your patterns of behavior, and compare them against the things you want, or the things that you’re manifesting in your life. Reflect on your motivations and your behaviors. Accept them or make the decision to change them. Be brutally honest. Don’t hold back and don’t shy away from the revelations that make you uncomfortable. It is in the places we are uncomfortable that we find the most strengths. Lean into the discomfort and accept what you are and what you want.

2. Take responsibility for your needs

Relying on other people, or asking them to pick up the slack on our needs can be tempting — but it’s a dangerous trap to set, and one you’re more likely to fall into than them. We are the only people who can completely and fully meet our needs. No matter how frequently we express them, nor how fully, can any other person ever give us that sense of fulfillment we’re ultimately seeking.

You have to start taking responsibility for your own needs. On a regular basis, find a quiet space and spend some time alone getting familiar with what you want, and what’s required to make you feel as though this whole life thing is worthwhile. You can journal it, or just take the opportunity to get used to saying these things out loud to yourself. Before you can meet your own needs, you have to admit to them and recognize them for what they are.

Once you’ve admitted to what you want, you have to make the conscious effort and decision to go after those things yourself. Stop begging your partner to spend more time with you, and stop looking for a job that’s going to give you that ultimate recognition and esteem. If you need more attention and affection, get it by signing on to a new course or adopting a pet in need. Likewise, stop beating your head against the wall for that promotion and find that professional recognition you’re through your hobbies, skills or pastimes outside of work.

3. Lean into yourself

Self-reliance is the key to releasing our need to over-rely on other or internalize outward hardships, but it’s something we can only cultivate with time and a good bit of effort. When we think of self-reliance, we tend to think of doing our own laundry — but it’s much, much more than that. True self-reliance happens when we learn how to be our own best friends and love ourselves deeply and authentically for who we are inside and out.

Lean into yourself and slowly let go of your need to rely on others. Dig deep, but start small. The next time you’re angry or you’re sad, rather than running right to the nearest shoulder, find a way to work through your own emotions until you’re calm again and have a plan of action. Do this one time per day. Then, when you’re comfortable with this small act of self-soothing, up the anti and get more adventurous with your new-found independence.

Fall in love with yourself. Become your own best friend and re-discover those powerful qualities about yourself that draw others in, or inspire them to love you the way you should love yourself. Dig really deep, and even find the power to turn your insecurities inside out. There’s a silver lining to everything when we have the courage to consider it, and that extends to those things we don’t like about ourselves or are unsure of. Lean into yourself and realize that you are enough, and you are strong enough to carry the weight of your own life and your own joy.

4. Create more boundaries

When we find ourselves leaning too hard into others, it’s often because we haven’t taken any time solidifying our boundaries (both for ourselves and for those around us). Not knowing where the line is, we rely more and more on others to meet our needs…compromising more and more of ourselves along the way. We start to view our boundaries as a thing that must be sacrificed on the altar of our partner’s happiness, but we also see it as the only means to our own twisted definition of happiness. That, of course, leads to a codependent trap that’s hard to crawl out of.

Before starting any new relationship, friendship or career, take a step back and consider where your lines are and where they need to be. Be clear about what you need, but also be very clear about your tendencies and behavioral patterns. Value you want you want from a new relationship or experience, but understand that those things may only manifest through your efforts and your efforts alone.

Knowing what to expect, and giving others a clear idea of what they can expect from you, makes the sailing much smoother and it keeps the channels of communication clear and succinct. Boundaries are the limits by which we define what we want and need, but they’re also the guidelines by which we can direct ourselves into the lives we want to lead. If you feel like you have to lean heavily on others because you don’t know where your borders are, spending some time drawing some lines and firm up who you are with boundaries.

5. Get professional help

Facing and resolving the pain of the past (which continues to impact the way we connect and function in future) is not something that we can always do alone and it’s not something that can be managed simply with the help of a few good friends. Sometimes, we need the help of a mental health professional to access the power necessary to let go of your over-reliance on others or self.

After you’ve spent some time identifying what your specific issues are, look for a trusted and licensed professional who can help you access the power you need to overcome those issues. We often cling to others, or internalize everything around us, because we have deep-rooted traumas and chemical imbalances that need outside help to correct.

Getting the assistance of a mental health or a medical professional isn’t the same as looking to someone else to fix your problems. It’s not failing to take responsibility and it’s not coming up short or coming up week. Psychologists and therapists aren’t crutches, they’re mirrors — and they can be important reflections by which we can better adjust our perspectives on life and self. If you’re struggling to let go, or just feel like you aren’t strong enough to do it on your own, then a professional might be able to put you back on track.

Putting it all together…

Though we don’t always like to admit it, we can ask too much of both ourselves and our partners. Whether we shut down and start relying too much on our own powers and prowess, or we look to others to solve our issues — reliance requires a fine balance, and that’s something that can only be cultivated over time with a lot of effort and self-compassion.

Make peace with who you are and what you want. Identify your needs and embrace them openly and unabashedly. Once you know what it is you need from yourself, your work, or your partner, take responsibility for the part you play and step up to the plate for your life. Be proactive. If there’s something you want to change — change it. If there’s something you want to say, say it. Lean into yourself and trust that you know what you need. Create more boundaries for others and for yourselves, and stick to them when things get tough. The minute we let our boundaries give-in, we’ve already lost the battle. If you’re struggling to define the line between what needs you can fulfill and what behaviors you desire from others, then seek professional help and don’t be ashamed to get a different perspective. We’re only human, and to be human is to be flawed. Embrace those flaws and love them for what they are and what you need.