POLITICS, HISTORY

Roger Marshall Recalls Horrors Of Ron DeSantis’s Genocide

The Last of the Morons

Oh look. Another Republican “physician” who got his medical information from Dr. Pepper. Who could have seen this coming?

Senator Roger Marshall made headlines for not understanding how Google works. Marshall repeatedly questioned Dr. Anthony Fauci why his financial information wasn’t available to the public. Fauci snapped back saying that Marshall can retrieve his info. Reporter Liz Essley Whyte confirmed that Fauci was correct, as she got a copy of his 2020 financial statements upon request.

We were amused that a senator found the task of asking the NIH a copy of Fauci’s financial records very difficult. Especially since Marshall had a huge advantage over Whyte to get the information quicker. Marshall is a public servant of America who has 200 executive branch offices to help out. They can streamline the usual 2 and a half months wait to obtain those records into 2 and a half hours.

Furthermore, we were amazed that Marshall couldn’t find Fauci’s annual salary. Here’s how we did it in under 3 minutes.

• Google ‘Fauci Medical Records, click on the first link
• On bottom of search bar in bold white, click on ‘Federal Employees’ -> Executive Agencies of the United States
• Scroll down to the 4th record on the first page of the database. You can see in bolded text.

2019 | Department Of Health And Human Services | Fauci Anthony S | Medical Officer | $417,608.00 | United States Office of Personnel Management

We reported this back to Marshall, who was stunned that the process was this easy. He tried to save face by claiming he didn’t have time to click on 3 website links. Marshall said this stressful activity inspired his Financial Accountability for Uniquely Compensated Individuals Act (FAUCI Act…clever girl). That way, no one will have to suffer the horrors of navigating through Google.

We agreed with Marshall that American public should have an easier time retrieving detailed finances. Regardless, Marshall is a senator. He had everything to his disposal to streamline the process, and he still decided to waste everyone’s time in a public hearing. Even his equally dumb colleague Rand Paul knew Fauci’s salary off the top of his head.

Overwhelmed by the truth, Marshall broke down. His makeup artist intervened to wipe tears streaming down his face. After 25 straight minutes, Marshall composed himself.

“I….I’m sorry. I got a bit too…emotional. But your discussion made me realize that..I…god dammit. I have a low IQ. I easily get triggered from this. I get flashbacks. The horror. The pain. I just..I just…”

Marshall then bawled so much that we awkwardly left.

We tuned into Oprah Winfrey’s interview of Marshall, where the senator discussed his intelligence insecurity.

Oprah:

“Robert, thank you for sharing your story today. I understand that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis abused you and your people because you are — and I want to use the correct term here — mentally challenged?”

Marshall

“The politically correct term is moron. And yes. We idiots suffered too much under the rule of dictator DeSantis.”

Oprah

“I know you’ll discuss more about this trauma in your Lifetime documentary mini series: Surviving R. DeSantis. But can you tell the viewers why DeSantis wanted to oppress your conservative kind?”

Marshall

“DeSantis doesn’t view us as conservatives. He views us as imbeciles. Our IQs are lower than the national average, and almost on par with Florida’s IQ average. We conservative senators and Floridans tarnished DeSantis’s image. The governor is constantly looked down upon by his peers.

“DeSantis refused to associate with us, but can’t shake off the Florida and GOP stigma. He sought to improve Florida’s IQ to improve his status. Not through education programs. Through ethnic cleansing. DeSantis vowed to kill off Florida’s low IQ outliers just so the state’s average IQ can rise in a short time.”

Oprah

“This is shocking that a politician cares more about his image than his subjects. But how did you get involved in this genocide? You grew up, studied, and worked in Kansas. How did you get looped in with Florida morons?”

Marshall

“I am a Kansas boy, but I completed my residency in Florida. I was in St. Petersburg for a medical conference during 2021. However, DeSantis’s police raided the conference to arrest me and my fellow colleagues. They tortured us and granted us only one bathroom break per day. We ended up pissing our pants because we couldn’t tell which bathrooms were meant for males and for females.

“Law enforcement moved us from St. Petersburg to another camp in Aucilla, Florida. St. Petersburg prisons were overcrowded, and they needed to transport us through cargo trains. On our way to the train, I recognized one of my residency colleagues, Dr. Joseph A. Ladapo, performing health tests on some victims. Ladapo was shocked to see me, as he hadn’t seen me since we both failed the female clitoris location final exam.

Before the train took off, Ladapo grabbed me and shoved me off the train. Confused, I tried to get back on. Ladapo whispered.

‘What are you doing, idiot? I’m saving your life! You get on this train, you’ll die! Now get the hell out of Florida!’

“I ran away just before the train left, confused about what was happening. I ran into former Republican politician Paul Ryan, who drove me to his mansion in Rotonda West, Florida. Along the way, Ryan told me that DeSantis launched a statewide genocide against all low-IQ people, regardless of their Florida residency. Ryan said that Ladapo saved my life, as DeSantis planned to transform Aucilla into Auschwitz. Had I stayed on that train, I would have died in a concentration camp.

“Ryan mentioned that although he lives in Madison, Wisconsin, he bought a mansion in Rotonda West to hang with his college buddies. With DeSantis’s genocide, Ryan turned his lodging into a refuge for morons to hide and escape persecution. He dubbed this mansion Hotel Rotonda.

“At the site, I befriended many persecuted idiots who Ryan saved. I avoided some who would get high off on school glue and proclaim Paul Ryan as Paul Ryan-sabagina. I befriended some political colleagues trapped — Lauren Boebert and QAnon ring leader Matt Gaetz. I am truly grateful that those people, especially Boebert, helped me see pedophiles as regular people.

“I the end, I made my way back to Kansas, reunited with my family, and went through enough therapy to recognize that DeSantis’s genocide was not my fault.”

Oprah

“So why wait until now to tell us this story?”

Marshall

“I was pressured by the GOP to keep quiet, as DeSantis is a very popular figure. That changed on January 14, 2021, when famous LGBTQ leader Jorge Diaz-Johnston was found dead in a Jackson County Landfill. Diaz-Johnston was responsible for Florida lifting its ban on gay marriage in 2015, so it’s likely that a low-IQ Florida white trash was responsible. I fear DeSantis will use this as propaganda to justify his killing of imbeciles.”

Oprah

“Thank you for your time, Senator Marshall. For those watching, Surviving R. DeSantis airs on OWN 6 P.M this Thursday. Furthermore, please check out Marshall’s autobiography: The Last of the Morons.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to bing all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.

Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.