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Roger Goodell Allows Denver Broncos Coach Sean Payton to Bring Back His Bounty Program After His “Elite Defense” Gave up 70 Points
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The NFL used lack of video evidence as reasons why sexual abuser DeShaun Watson and wife beater Tyreek Hill are still employed in the league. Now, the NFL is under fire for doing nothing but broadcasting the Denver Broncos getting pummeled to death.
The Denver Broncos suffered a humiliating defeat on September 24, 2023 when they lost 20–70. Yep, you read that right. A defense of elite talent turned a professional game into a junior varsity football scrimmage.
The beatdown was so horrific that cancel culture slammed the Broncos’ opponent, the Miami Pitbulls, for their cruelty. Somehow, this isn’t the first time this team faced the woke wrath. The Pitbulls changed their name from the Miami Dolphins after the woke movement slammed them for perpetuating rape culture.
This response infuriated commissioner Roger Goodell so much that he held a press conference to resolve this.
“Never in my 17 year career have I seen such an abysmal performance by a football team. And I’ve seen former Broncos head coach Nathaniel Hackett run a team.
“Current Broncos head coach Sean Payton said that Hackett’s performance was, and I quote, ‘one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.’ How was I supposed to know that Payton intended on taking the worst coach title for himself?
“These men dolled up in orange and shocked me with this scare. Don’t they know they’re celebrating Halloween a month early?
“Who is playing for the Broncos defense? They have to be brain dead to give up 70 points in a professional NFL game. Did CTE get to them THAT quickly? Fuck, we now have to take this illness seriously.
“I’ve seen college teams give up fewer points to opposing teams. How do grown ass men act worse than teenagers? This is sports. Not Fox News!”
Goodell facepalmed.
“I knew defense coordinator Vance Joseph was bad, but not abysmal. I was originally fine with Sean Payton hiring him. I thought ‘well, at least he’s not former New Orleans Saints defense coordinator Gregg Williams. As long as Joseph doesn’t give bonuses/bounties to players for injuring opponents, we should be good.’
“Turns out Joseph’s coaching is so bad that he made the Chicago Bears look functional! Joseph’s abysml product is giving us a worser PR hit than William’s Bountygate scandal. How can we call ourselves the best in the world when the Broncos can’t even compete in pop warner youth football?”
Goodell shook his head.
“Payton embarrassed us all. Who on earth told him to hire Joseph? This dude still thinks pillows are great building blocks for the wall in Mexico.
“The Broncos lost 20–70 to Miami on September 24, 2023. On October 1st, 2023, Miami lost to Buffalo Bills 20–48. What’s going to happen on November 13th, 2023? Thats when the Broncos play the Bills! We now have to cancel that game in fear of it ending in a Bills win of 110–10!
“Payton has coasted on Drew Brees for far too long. He rode the coattails of one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. His laziness and ineptness got us wondering if he has CTE as well!”
Goodell sighed.
“Since this imbecile can’t use his brain, I have to step in. I’ll allow Payton to bring back his bounty program for now. It’s not the Broncos’ fault that they’re not that good. They can’t help it that every other opponent is far superior to them. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change how the Denver Broncos are born as.
“I know we’ll get flack for allowing the Denver Broncos to assault other people. But let’s be real. We let Watson and Hill blossom into All-Stars in this league. Do you really think we have morals when it comes to winning?
“With the Broncos’s bounty program, the playing field is even. Everyone has a fair chance in the league. It’s unacceptable that a team who made smart draft picks and intelligent coaching hires outperforms another team that did the exact opposite. We don’t support capitalism here! Everyone gets equal share of the revenues and wins!”
Fresh from his newfound support of communism, Goodell mused over stripping the Dallas Cowboys of the title of America’s Team. Goodell thought that title should be given to the Washington Commanders/Commies.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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