Resolutions to Make Your Relationship Stronger in 2020

End the year better than you’ll start it

We thought our marriage was good.

Life was getting crazier by the day. One child became two. Then, it was three. The workload from university got heavier every year.

We could barely hang on.

We spent so much time worrying about work, dealing with the endless needs of infants and toddlers, and trying to figure out how to make it through another semester with way too little money.

But our marriage was solid. It was the one thing we didn’t have to worry about. We could stop thinking about it and it would be just as strong when things calmed down and we had time for each other.

We learned the hard way that putting our marriage to the side wasn’t like leaving it simmering. When we stopped putting work into it, it just got colder and colder.

It cooled off so gradually that we didn’t notice at first. We went at least a whole year still thinking everything was fine. But after a while, we both started wondering what had happened to us.

What happened to our easy connection? Why didn’t we click the way we used to?

Why did it feel like there was so much distance between us, even when we spent time together?

How come sex didn’t unite and bond us the way it used to?

Taking our relationship for granted had been a mistake. We let it slip for years and it showed.

We vowed to fix our marriage and we’ve been working on it ever since.

Our intimacy, connection, and love are strong again. Our sex life has improved dramatically, too. We plan to keep it that way. But it won’t happen on its own, so we’ll be working on our marriage throughout the entire year.

If you’re in a relationship, you should be doing the same thing. We’re approaching a new year, so it’s a perfect time to make some relationship resolutions — by yourself and as a couple. It will keep your relationship strong or make it stronger.

Here are some things you can do to be better together in 2020.

Work on Your Emotional Baggage

I’m starting to think there’s no one out there who isn’t lugging around some kind of emotional baggage. We all had stuff that happened in our past that affects who we are now, and we drag all of that into our relationships.

I’ve got enough baggage to fill a luggage set. But one of my big issues was being highly self-conscious. For a long time, I tried living with it and just accepting it. But it was holding me back and affecting my husband, too.

I wasn’t enjoying sex as much as I used to because I was always in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about how my body looked and making sure I didn’t get in positions that would make me feel too exposed.

Because of that, Mr. Austin couldn’t enjoy me the way he really wanted to: with both eyes open and some mood lighting (anything but total darkness, really).

My self-consciousness isn’t easy to get rid of. It’s buried way deep and it stems from all sorts of things in my past that never got resolved. It’s daunting, but I’m working on it — for me and for my husband.

Whatever baggage you have, chances are that working on your stuff will improve your relationship. So, read up on it, talk about it, and if it’s serious enough work through it with a therapist.

Work on the Little Things

We all have little bad habits that don’t bother us but bother our partners. If you make it a point to work on them and get rid of a couple of these, your partner will notice and they will be grateful.

One of the things that bugged me about my husband is how forgetful he was. He would pass deadlines, miss appointments, and forget to pay bills because they all just slipped his mind.

Because he’d forget those things, his responsibilities became my responsibilities. I’d be in charge of reminding him of all the dates he was supposed to remember.

After years of having to keep track of all his stuff, he finally started emailing himself reminders to compensate for his forgetfulness. That was a small thing for him, but it was a deal for me. It took a load off my shoulders and relieved some of my worries.

Some people say the secret to a good relationship is to let go of the little things. But trust me, working on your little things is a solid move.

Be More Open About Your Sexual Fantasies

There are people out there who will judge you for your weird sexual fantasies. Your partner shouldn’t be one of them.

Commit to being more open about what you find arousing, appealing, and attractive — without yucking each other’s yums.

Sharing your sexuality with someone means more than just sleeping with them. It’s emotional and mental, too. So, let them know what goes on in your imagination and what fires you up.

This is kind of a recent thing for me. I didn’t always share my fantasies with my husband because I was a little embarrassed by some of them. There were also quite a few that I didn’t actually want to act out in real life, so I figured there’d be no point in talking about them.

But laying it all out has been really liberating. It made me feel like there’s a part of me I don’t have to keep tucked away anymore.

And if you’re really lucky, you’ll discover that you’re both secretly turned on by the same thing. Finding those overlaps can give you new things to try in bed, new ways to talk dirty, and help you find better porn to watch together.

Compliment Your Partner More

Compliments are important. They make your partner know they’re appreciated, help them be more confident, and they just plain feel good.

But this has been a tough one for me.

Mr. Austin compliments me frequently, but I do it a lot less. It’s not because he doesn’t deserve them — it’s because complimenting anyone feels a little awkward for me.

I have a hard time taking a compliment (I’m working on that, too!) So, every time I compliment him, no matter how heartfelt it is, I worry I sound insincere.

For years, I just told myself he knew how I felt about him, so I didn’t have to say it out loud. I would think “He looks so sexy right now” and I would just keep it to myself because he knew I found him attractive.

Over the years, though, I started to realize how I’d feel if he stopped complimenting me. If he went months without saying he found me attractive, I’m pretty sure I’d assume he stopped thinking it not that he just didn’t bother saying it.

So, I’m making an effort to compliment him more. And you should do the same. It’s hard to take each other for granted when the compliments keep coming.

Try New Things Sexually

A lot of people measure the health of their sex life in terms of frequency. They either feel like they’re having plenty of sex or not enough of it.

Quantity matters. But quality does, too.

Sex should never get routine, no matter how much of it you’re having. There should be enough variety in your sex life that you don’t know exactly what to expect from it every time.

I got in a rut before. Sex was so predictable, I could give you an accurate play by play before my husband even shut the bedroom door. It was still physically stimulating. I had lots of orgasms. I got some sexual relief every time. But it just wasn’t thrilling. Even though I knew it would feel good, I couldn’t get all that excited about it.

This year, make sure you keep the excitement in your sex life.

Try new sex acts. Buy each other new sex toys, even if you already have a lot of them. Playing around with new vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, and strokers never gets old. And instead of trying to think of the best way to get your partner off, try to think of ways to surprise them.

Learn to Accommodate Each Other’s Processing Styles

My husband and I process things differently and it took us a very long time to realize it.

Whenever I’m going through something, I deal with it quietly. I like to turn it over in my mind for a long time. I don’t want to say it out loud until I feel like I’ve started figuring it out.

Mr. Austin’s the opposite. He likes to process things verbally. If he keeps it locked in his head, it just stays jumbled. It’s only once he spills his guts that he really works through his feelings.

When I was going through some stuff but wasn’t ready to talk about it, he would assume I was closing off and shutting him out. He felt like I was keeping something from him. My silence felt secretive to him.

So, he’d try to get me talking. He’d ask me how I felt and tried to pull things out of me. I felt pressured to say something decisive long before I was ready.

That made things tense whenever we were going through some problems (with each other or with others).

Figuring out how that we process difficult stuff differently has been a game changer. He gives me the space to process things my way. He understands that sometimes I need to text and email things because I need to consider them carefully and on my own. And I understand that sometimes he just needs to talk, that he eventually has to get it all out in the open.

Take some time to explore your processing style with your partner and learn to accommodate theirs. It will help you tone down the drama, keep conflicts from escalating, and will make both of you better at dealing with the shit life throws at you.

Flirt with Each Other

Foreplay is how you keep the flame alive. And foreplay should start long before you touch each other.

Ideally, you’ll be having lots of great, creative, and exciting sex this year. But you should also keep your desire for each other alive.

Scheduling sex and date nights works for a lot of people, but nothing beats not being able to resist your partner.

So, keep flirting. Be playful and sweet. Give them bedroom eyes and drop some coy little one-liners. Send X-rated texts out of the blue.

Even if you flirt and don’t end up having sex, it’s still worth it. You’ll look at each other differently — in a more loving and sexy way.

Read to Each Other

Maybe this one’s a little dorky, but it worked well for us.

When we used to go on road trips, we’d always buy a book. I’d drive and Mr. Austin would read out loud to me. It was fun, and I’d often interject with my thoughts and it would kickstart great conversations.

We’ve also used it to work through things together. We’ve read books about the kind of emotional baggage we carry. We’ve read parenting books and self-help books. We’ve read books about relationships. It motivated us to improve ourselves and helped us understand each other better.

It’s also a good way to spice up your sex life. Reading erotica to your partner or listening to them read it to you is top notch foreplay.

We don’t often get to reach to each other these days. Sometimes, we’ll read an article or a blog post out loud while cooking or hanging out, but never a book. We just don’t have enough time. Instead, we just pass the same book back and forth. Mr. Austin will read some pages in the morning and then hand it to me so I have it in the afternoon. It literally gets us both on the same page and gives us plenty to talk about.

Masturbate Together

I’m not saying you should give up on your solo play. Definitely keep your personal self-care going and rub one out as needed. But I really believe in the power of mutual masturbation.

There’s something so incredibly intimate about masturbating with your partner. It gives each of you a glimpse into a very personal part of your life.

Plus, it’s insanely hot.

Seriously, if you haven’t watched your partner touch themselves, build up their arousal, and get lost in their own pleasure, you’re missing out.

Whether you pick some porn that will get you both off or just listen to each other breathe and moan, getting off together will bring you closer.

Do Something Fun and Pointless Together

My husband and I both work, and we have four young children to look after. We make time for a little romance, a lot of sex, and all the chores and errands that need to be done in between. That doesn’t leave us a lot of time to just hang out and chill. And that’s tough, because those dumb, pointless moments are sometimes the ones that make us feel really connected.

The other day, our kids wouldn’t tidy up their toys. So, we decided to taunt them a little. We sat in the living room and played Mario Kart. We told them they could have a turn when all the toys were picked up.

It worked. They got their rears in gear and put everything away.

But it was also a lot of fun (and not just because I whupped Mr. Austin twice in a row). It brought us back to when we had all sorts of time and would waste it playing Guitar Hero, renting stacks of mediocre movies, and going on aimless walks.

If you’re like us, it’s doing the fun, pointless stuff that made you realize how compatible you were. Keep your bond strong by making some time for it.

Make These Stick

Resolutions are notoriously flimsy. Everyone who has vowed to spend the year working out and losing weight knows that.

You’re almost guaranteed to break some of your resolutions. But make sure you stick to these.

Having a strong and healthy relationship is a big deal, so keep the resolutions you make together. It’s worth it for the deep intimacy, the incredible sex, and the smug satisfaction of coming first place in Mario Kart.

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