Why I Fantasize About Sex Acts I Would Never Do

Most guys I’ve known couldn’t understand this

My husband has a lot of sexual fantasies, but they’re all scenarios and sex acts he’d want to engage in.

When he closes his eyes and pictures group sex, ass eating, and eager MILFs, he’s not just fantasizing — he’s drafting a wish list.

Fantasizing is different for me. When I dream up something erotic or seek out a certain type of porn, I’m looking for things that get me hot, but they’re not necessarily things I’d actually do.

My sexual imagination is full of things I would do, regularly do, and have done (shout out to my spank bank). But it’s also got a healthy dose of stuff that gets me hot but would turn me off, bother me, or downright upset me if they happened in real life.

That’s why I’ve had to be careful sharing my fantasies. My husband fantasizes differently, so I have to make sure that voicing something that turns me on in the abstract doesn’t come across as an invitation to try it out.

So, when Mr. Austin catches a glimpse of the NSFW subreddits that get me going, I make it a point to mention which ones are only hot in theory.

For a long time, I never knew how to explain it. But now I can tell him I don’t fantasize about these things because of the acts themselves — I fantasize about them because of what they represent.

My Lips Are Sealed

One of the big disconnects between my fantasies and my desires has to do with come.

My porn search history is full of swallowing, spitting, and a wonderful phenomenon known as “blowjob overflow.”

I love a messy finish to sex. Having come dribble down over my fingers after a handjob or having it splatter on my ass is a nice way to cap off a good time.

But I don’t want it anywhere near my lips or my tongue — and forget about my throat.

I’d definitely be into swallowing and spitting if it wasn’t for the taste and texture. But I’m a supertaster and if I can’t handle cilantro, there’s no way I can get into semen.

I’ve tasted come a few times and I’d rather never taste it again.

The first time, I swallowed at the insistence of a sexually and emotionally abusive boyfriend. It was not a pleasant experience in the least and it left a very bad taste in my mouth (I couldn’t resist the pun).

Later, I tried it with the love of my life. I was optimistic because I heard vegans taste better. Maybe, but it didn’t make enough of a difference.

Despite those experiences, I still find it hot to watch someone swallow or take a load in her mouth. And I can get off thinking about doing it myself.

Again, it’s not because I want it to happen. It’s because of what it represents. To me, swallowing and spitting just feel really dirty — in a good way. And I love sex when it’s dirty.

I like when I get to be dirty, too. I wish I could make a guy come, swallow his load, and have him tell me what a good job I did.

I’m squeezing my thighs together just thinking about it.

Alphas and Assholes

When I’m reading erotica, I like the men to be dominant and the women to be putty in their hands.

It doesn’t have to involve bondage, ropes, and handcuffs (though it can). There just has to be a strong man taking control of the situation and exerting his will on a submissive woman.

There’s something really exciting about the guy who doesn’t ask, the guy who just takes the protagonist and gives her the pleasure she didn’t even know she wanted.

It works for me every time.

Except in real life. I’ve never found those types of men appealing in the least. To me, alphas just read like assholes.

I have boundaries I don’t want crossed — I don’t even want anyone lightly brushing against them. I also need and demand to be treated with respect. I want sex to feel like a mutual activity, not something that’s imposed on me.

Plus, super dominant guys remind me of my emotionally abusive father. I may have daddy issues, but I don’t have those kinds of daddy issues.

I used to think I had some kind of sexual dissonance. I’d find depictions of domineering men sexy but find actual domineering men completely off-putting.

Then I realized that it’s not the dominance I find hot. It’s the idea of someone knowing exactly what I want. Not just because I want someone who anticipated my desires, but because I wouldn’t have to voice them.

I’m getting better at asking for what I want, but it’s hard. I love dirty sex but I’m a shy girl, so it’s hard for me to ask for things like anal sex or the shocker (or, better yet, the shocker plus oral) out loud. So, I either don’t ask and sometimes miss out, or I do ask and I feel embarrassed and self-conscious about it.

That’s what’s so appealing about the idea of a guy who just knows what you want and gives it to you without asking.

But my need to feel safe and in control outweighs my need for a mind reader.

Besides, I have the closest thing I can to a mind reader: a husband who knows a lot of my preferences and knows how to give me what I want without making me feel uncomfortable or compromised.

Getting Wild in the Wild

I dream of living in a house with a huge back yard, sprawling acres with lots of trees and shade. Maybe some fencing all along it.

It’s not because I want to feel rich by owning a miniature forest or because I look forward to mountains of yard work. It’s because I want to fuck outdoors but I don’t want to get caught.

Outdoor sex is so fucking hot to me. I love being in the wilderness. I love feeling the sun and the breeze. I like hearing leaves rustling. And I want to enjoy all that while my dress is lifted up past my hips and my partner’s hand is down my panties.

There’s a little exhibitionist edge to it, too. The idea that someone could find me, or that someone could have stumbled upon us and is watching from behind the trees — there’s something arousing about that.

But there’s also something disturbing about it. For one thing, there are issues related to consent that are difficult to untangle from this.

There’s the fact that if I was caught, I’d be so fucking ashamed of myself I don’t think I’d ever undress again. I’d probably move to a new country just to avoid feeling like I’ve got a huge scarlet A on my chest.

I’m also self-conscious about my body. So, the risk of getting caught would probably turn into me thinking too much about my appearance. I love the idea of someone wanting to look at me — not so much actually being looked at.

So, until I have that giant backyard with the 14-foot-high fencing and maybe even some kind of tripwire system to alert me of incoming peeping toms, I’m going to keep all my sexual activities indoors.

Guys Have a Hard Time Understanding My Fantasies

I’ve come to think of having fantasies that I don’t want fulfilled as a feminine thing.

One of my exes couldn’t get over my swallowing fantasies. He found out I thought it was hot, and I regretted letting him know that. It didn’t matter how often I made it clear that coming in my mouth was a hard no, he still insinuated (repeatedly and often) that I’d get there eventually.

I’m no longer with him (good riddance).

At least my husband gets it. He knows that I may fantasize about him coming in my mouth, being dominated, and fucking in a semi-public location, but it’s really because I want dirty sex with someone who knows me and loves looking at me.

And because I can safely express my fantasies without him having any expectations that I’ll want to live them out, I can actually explore them a bit more with him. We talk dirty and invent naughty scenarios. My swallowing fantasies resulted in me giving better, more eager blowjobs. And he’s got a few X-rated photos of me because it’s my little safe way of fulfilling my risky exhibitionist side.

And that’s part of what’s so enjoyable about these fantasies. You might not want to live them out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t indulge them. Incorporate them in your dirty talk. Do a little bit of role playing. With a little imagination and creativity, you can find a way to explore them in ways that are entirely comfortable for you.

So, set your boundaries, use your imagination, and get ready to have some real nasty fun.

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