I’m Scared of Having Sex with Someone Else

I’m worried about them, but also about me

I’ve been married ten years. My sex life is great — better than it’s ever been, in fact.

But I’m also in an open relationship. So, even though I am thoroughly satisfied with my husband, I still often find myself thinking about sex with other people.

Now, to be clear, I’m not currently seeing anyone else and I haven’t had sex with anyone but Mr. Austin since I married him. I’m also demisexual, so even when I do meet someone I find appealing, it will take me a while before I actually jump in the sack with them.

(It’s true that demisexuals can have casual sex for all sorts of reasons, but I think those days are far behind me.)

So, sex outside my marriage isn’t happening any time soon. But I’m a planner and a worrier, so my brain has an urgent need to keep cycling through the possible outcomes, pick out the potential problems, and just mull over everything in general.

The thought of having sex with someone else is really exciting.

It’s also fucking scary.

I Want to Experience More Passion

I was already obsessed with sex when I met Mr. Austin — in fact, that’s one of the reasons we hit it off so well. But it’s being with him that made sex such a big deal in my life.

Sex with Mr. Austin is really good. That’s why whenever my libido started to sag, I tried really hard to get it back, and still do. I know what I’m missing out on when I can’t get aroused and I’m not very happy about it.

But that makes him the exception for me. I had my fair share of sexual partners before Mr. Austin. But with one (fleeting) exception, I never had passionate sex before he was in my life.

I always felt thankful that I was sexually experienced when I met my future husband. I know myself. I know I wouldn’t be able to stop wondering what it would’ve been like to have sex with other people. I would worry that I missed out on something.

But I still feel weirdly inexperienced, like I was a passion virgin until I met him. And I’m really, really curious now. I want to know what having good sex with other people is like. I want to know what happens when I have sex with someone else when I feel a genuine connection and emotional bond with them.

I’m not looking for sex that’s better than it is with Mr. Austin. But I am excited by the idea of experiencing someone else, of experiencing a new set of oral skills, someone else’s dicksterity, and even playing with a cock of a different shape and size.

And if my next someone is a woman, that’ll be an entirely new ballgame.

Even though it doesn’t last, I love thinking about the thrill that comes with new relationship energy sex. Being touched by someone else for the first time in a decade has got to be exhilarating.

There’s Safety in a Relationship

As great as all those things are, opening myself up to someone else comes with risks.

Being in a relationship is safe. I have someone who will be at my side whenever I need him. He gives me support and emotional care. And even though sex with him can be a little predictable, it’s always comfortable.

When I open myself up to someone else, I can’t guarantee the same thing.

There’s the usual worries about meeting someone new.

What if they’re great online but they turn out to be a creep in person?

What if we have sex but there’s just no spark, no matter how hard we try?

What if I’m mid-sex and it just feels wrong and all I want to do is lace up my shoes and run back to my husband’s arms?

All those things worry me. But nothing scares me as much as myself.

The Dark Side of Being a People Pleaser

I’m a people pleaser. I always have been.

I know there are people who don’t care for me or who hate me (I’ve read the responses to my Medium stories and some are the wrong kind of nasty). But I have a hard time sitting with that thought. I want people to like me — or at least, not dislike me.

I’m also very empathetic. I take other people’s feelings, desires, and preferences very seriously — often at the expense of my own.

I’ve made myself small most of my life. I’m getting better at taking a little more space to make sure my needs are met, but I’m very much a work in progress.

With Mr. Austin, there’s no issue. I can be myself, voice whatever I want to, and ask for what I need. With others, though, it’s not always easy.

My people pleasing affects different parts of my life, and I’m worried it will put me in a compromised situation when I have sex with someone else.

I’m kind of a fucked up person. I’ve written before about my anxieties (social and otherwise), emotionally damaging upbringing, and all the random crap that comes with my chronic hormonal imbalances.

And all of that combines to make sex pretty complicated.

I think of myself as a bottom and a sexual little spoon. I’m not submissive in a BDSM way — I just need someone to initiate and take the lead. But I need them to lead in a way that doesn’t trigger me emotionally, and that’s tricky.

I need someone to take a dominant role with me, but I can’t be comfortable with domineering men. I don’t mind suggestions, I don’t mind a little playfulness, but I need to feel like the control is mine.

I can’t handle being told what to do. The kind of dirty talk that comes in imperatives like “Bend over so I can fuck you” and “Suck my cock” is difficult for me to deal with. It’s the same with any kind of behavior that will make me feel pressured or feel like I’m being forced to do something.

And I know that can be very innocent. It’s just part of some people’s sex play. It can be an expression of desire and an attempt to be sexy. But it’s not just a turnoff for me. It can make me feel violated. It also puts me in a very bad place emotionally, one that I can’t come back from easily.

That should be manageable. I should be able to guide things away from that. I should be able to say “I don’t like that” or “That makes me uncomfortable” or even “Can we stop for a minute?”

It should be easy, but I know it won’t be. The people pleaser in me would have a hard time saying those things. The people pleaser in me might even keep letting it happen. I might not even say anything until I leave and can address it over text.

Yeah, it’s bad.

Like I said, I’m a total work in progress.

The obvious solution here is communication. All of this would surely come out before I pull my pants down and my socks up. But no matter how much talk, the possibility is still there. My boundaries are a little confusing, so it’s easy for someone to cross them even when they mean well.

And there’s always the possibility of missing some red flags (it happened with Rob so I know it can happen again) and not realizing until it’s too late and I’m in a situation I wish I wasn’t in.

It’s also hard to make sure I really know someone before letting things progress when many men expect sex early on (not necessarily by the third date, but not several months in either). Navigating that is complicated when it means so many people would assume that I’m not serious about them or that I’m playing games and withholding my pussy as a prize.

Piercing My Bubble

There are so many things I find appealing about starting a new relationship and having sex with someone else. But it does scare me, often enough to keep me from taking steps in that direction.

And it’s harder to face those fears when I’m married. I have an incredible relationship and a great sex life, so I can always fall back on that. I don’t feel the same push that I would if I was single or in a relationship with someone who just didn’t work for me.

I’m trying to shift my perspective. I want to get to a point where I’m mindful of the risks without letting them prevent me from pursuing someone I like.

I’m working on myself, too. I want to get to a point where I can stand up for myself without feeling guilt. When I can say no in an instant, before it’s too late. And I want to be able to say no without feeling bad for it. When I do, I’ll finally be able to pursue love, pleasure, and happiness instead of being afraid of others — and myself.

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