Radical Acceptance In Uncertain Times
Coping with challenges during the coronavirus pandemic
Things were moving along nicely. My son had started preschool, I had just completed a round of physical therapy, my husband’s busy season at work had ended, and all of the rescues were finally acclimated to each other. The days followed a predictable hum until March 10th, when the virus hit our state.
Schools quickly shut down. All businesses closed except for those that were medically necessary.
Things changed fast, and with an active 5-year-old at home, schedules had to be changed, appointments canceled, and gatherings postponed for the foreseeable future.
It could have been a horrible, stress-filled time fraught with unmet expectations and disappointments.
But as I thoughtfully walked over to my bookshelf and picked up Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach, and dusted off the cover, I knew that this was the perfect time to practice radical acceptance.
There were so many unknowns that still continue to this day, and likely will for a while, such as how can students go to school in masks?
How will there be enough teachers to go around?
How will kids social distance on the playground?
Is it safe?
But as I read the wise and warm words of Brach, I remembered how it feels to trust in our innate goodness and to develop the clear-sightedness and compassion that is the essence of Radical Acceptance.
I recalled how Radical Acceptance does not mean self-indulgence or passivity. Instead, it empowers genuine change: healing fear and shame, and helping to build loving, authentic relationships, because when we stop being at war with ourselves, we are free to live fully every precious moment of our lives.
What does it mean to really accept something?
Does it mean that we give up on growth, and let others treat us poorly?
No. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Acceptance, and especially radical acceptance, is a conscious choice to accept what we cannot change while still being open to it.
The first time I heard of radical acceptance was when I left my corporate job to pursue a freelance career.
I worked in my apartment at the time, and it was lonely and isolating, even depressing at times, while also being wonderful, liberating, and freeing — what a paradox, as most things tend to be! I wasn’t sure what I ultimately wanted to do other than be a freelance writer and rehabilitate animals.
I started to follow my interests, which led me down a path to write and learn about psychology in order to understand myself, others, and the world around me better.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
Radical Acceptance is a practice developed by Marsha Linehan. Used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, this particular practice was created based on the idea that reality must be accepted, rather than fought against, and that fighting against a situation is a greater cause of suffering than the situation itself.
To paraphrase from the BetterHelp website, radical acceptance means exactly that: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. Far from condoning or embracing what you are and what you are going through, radical acceptance advocates simply accepting yourself and your circumstances in order to better move past them.
It may sound trite, but it’s true.
When we start to accept things for what they are (while also not condoning them), miracles can and do happen, our lives start to shift, and we start to open ourselves up to a vast spectrum of possibilities brimming with illuminating promise.
What can you use radical acceptance for?
Radical acceptance is helpful for all manner of ailments, including various mental and physical health maladies.
This is because fighting against something often makes it worse.
And although it feels good at the moment to resist something because we think that doing so will help us change it, all that we are really doing is prolonging our suffering and getting in the way of important change and even growth.
The Research
In one study, people were told to think of white bears, then expressly forbidden from doing so a few minutes later. The study’s participants found it virtually impossible to stop thinking of white bears. Once the directive changed to allow students to think of bears, the urge to do so actually went away.
Accepting yourself, your situation, and your mental health status can actually help alleviate any circumstantial struggles associated with each.
As psychotherapist Carl Rogers wisely said, “The curious paradox is, when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Radical acceptance can not only reduce your suffering but also help you to live a happier and more fulfilling life.
How to practice radical acceptance
The opposite of acceptance is resistance.
Resisting sounds like:
“That isn’t fair.”
“This isn’t right.”
“That can’t be true.”
“This shouldn’t happen.”
When we practice radical acceptance, we learn that, although we cannot change a painful situation, we can accept it in order to expand the possibilities and even our horizons beyond it.
Radical acceptance means that we say “yes” to our lives instead of “no,” and this is where the magic happens.
If we are continually closed off and unaccepting of life in general, we remain stuck, held captive in our own minds. When we practice radical acceptance, it is far easier to shift or change our lives.
Here are six ways to help you on your journey toward radical acceptance and ultimately growth
1. Examine your willingness to accept.
Take stock of how willing you are to practice acceptance. It takes effort to shift out of our old mindsets and ways of doing things.
Be willing to change, even if it feels odd or impossible at first. Willingness is an important step, because without it, all of the other steps won’t work.
2. Practice awareness.
All positive change starts with awareness.
Begin to become aware of when you’re judging or criticizing something, even yourself.
Document these criticisms or judgments (I’ve used a whiteboard on the fridge) in order to bring even more awareness to them.
After doing this for a while, you may notice that you criticize or judge when you’re overworked, stressed out, or not taking enough time for yourself.
To build even more awareness, view these events with fresh eyes and from a place of non-judgment so that you become the observer and minimize internal suffering or negative self-talk.
3. Release resistance.
Resisting reality never works. So why do we do it?
Chronic resistance manifests as annoyance, blanket statements, and controlling behaviors.
4. Remember that we can only control ourselves.
We want to be in control of what happens to us in order to reduce our own suffering. But knowing what we can and cannot control is crucial to set ourselves free from our own minds.
This doesn’t always feel good, especially when it feels like things aren’t going right. Things will happen, and although we likely cannot control the outcome or cascade of events that follow our decisions, we can accept them for what they are.
5. Examine your expectations.
I’ve found that expectations are one of the main causes of suffering.
Expectations lead to disappointment, fear, and more resistance. We expect things, whether life or experiences or people, to be a certain way, and when they aren’t, it can be painful.
I practice this in relation to parenting, and it’s made a world of difference.
When I plan an outing with my son, I release all expectations for what will unfold, which has made life easier and more pleasant.
When we spend a day inside, where tantrums happen, spills abound, and exhaustion sets in, I let things unfold as they will. It makes life much more peaceful.
6. Use coping statements.
Having pre-planned statements to recite during times of duress can save you in the heat of the moment. When things get difficult, you can read them off of a piece of paper, your phone, or even the fridge whiteboard like I do.
Here are a few that I use:
I accept things the way that they are.
Things are what they are.
I will get through this.
Nothing lasts forever.
This feels uncomfortable, but I will survive this and the feeling will pass.
This is challenging, but it’s temporary.
I can feel stress and still deal with this situation in a positive way..
Resisting reality only limits my options.
I can accept this and still be happy.
I can feel bad/pain and still choose to feel peace.
I can only control myself and my responses.
Staying in the present moment helps me to problem-solve.
What do I need to do right now to feel better?
By practicing radical acceptance, we can start to see things for how they really are, and more effectively move forward.
It is only when we accept that we can truly know peace.
And here’s the eternal truth: our unique journey, and all of the struggles that come with it, is invaluable in its meaning and growth. It’s worth every moment.
With love and gratitude, Aurora