How to Let Go of an Old Regret

3. Practice Acceptance

If we don’t confront the past, we end up haunted by sadness and self-blame. In fact, research shows that 72% of us feel regret for not living up to our best selves. And although we can’t repeat the past and change our actions and decisions, we can become in tune with how we want to move forward.

There is a particularly subtle dialogue between gain and loss. Between what is and what isn’t, or perhaps what never was and never could be, and nowhere is this rhythm of grief and gladness more resonant than in that one regret that can linger with us, follow us no matter where we go.

These are the moments when something new has entered into us, something unknown; our feelings go mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent.

Almost all our regrets are moments of paralyzing tension because we are alone with this unknown thing that has entered into ourselves.

And because everything intimate and accustomed is for an instant taken away; because we stand in the middle of a transition where we cannot remain standing.

And this is why it is so important to honor and release regrets.

Because only in that essential capacity to be alone with our regrets are we able to notice those otherwise imperceptible yet utterly transformative shifts in the heart.

I recently read about the experience of regret, which prompted me to think about my own regrets. I’ve made peace with where I’ve been, and the paths that I’ve taken, both positive and negative.

At least, I think that I’ve made peace, and maybe I have.

But for years, I had regret after regret, starting with that fateful day when I saw my father alive for the last time.

As I grow closer to his age of passing — he was 44 — I think about how short his life was, and how much I’ve changed since his death in 2007.

And this also reminds me that life is short, sometimes very short, and that everything exists within the syncopation of sorrow and satisfaction.

Then I reflected on other regrets that followed me for years.

I regretted not taking care of my body and paying attention to the warning signs of chronic illness in my early 20s.

I felt sorrow for not relishing those years where I could still run; for not going to a college that had the degree that I later wanted, for when I could drive 7–8 hours a day without pain, and taking road trips to wherever I desired.

I didn’t realize that I was living with so many regrets until I decided to accept my life, accept who I am, flaws, and all, and forge a new path.

Over the past year, I journeyed through three steps that have each been helpful, and I hope they help you too.

1. Forgiving myself

“Every emotion we have serves a purpose,” says Cindy White LCSW. “The feeling of joy tells us something is going right and encourages us to continue. Sadness lets us know that we’ve lost something. It’s the same with regret.”

By acknowledging the facts surrounding the circumstances or choices we regret, we can forgive ourselves and move forward.

I tried this by thinking about a specific regret — not paying attention to the warning signs of chronic illness, and neglecting my health.

It was a learned pattern from my childhood that wasn’t my fault, in that I did what I could at the time with the tools I had available to me, and so I forgave myself.

White recommends distinguishing between our moral failings and simple mistakes. This step was a huge revelation to me. As I look back on those years of early pain in my 20s, I see a person who was doing the best she could and lacked the skills to take care of herself; she was focused more on surviving. And she did.

I recommend looking inward to discover your own innocence and forgiving yourself for unintentional mistakes.

2. Taking responsibility

It’s essential that we take responsibility for our mistakes. We all make them, so there’s no shame in doing so. This is the only way that we can heal, grow, and do better next time.

I no longer beat myself up for neglecting my health. Seeing that I simply lacked the life experience to make better decisions, allows me to be accountable and learn instead of judging myself and feeling shame.

At the same time, it helps me to avoid letting my errors define who I am. I am more than my faults and mistakes; we all are. And it helps me respond patiently when well-meaning healthcare workers pass judgment on me, or simply don’t understand.

It’s easier to keep the overall picture in mind when we realize that, yes, we are flawed beings, but by being accountable to ourselves, we can foster self-compassion, growth, and healing.

We can change and gain the tools we lack, as long as we never stop seeking them.

3. Practicing acceptance

Something that I’ve learned the hard way is that acceptance is the forerunner of self-forgiveness.

Finally, I’ve learned to surrender to the regret of not paying attention to my health or taking it seriously in my early 20s. Yes, the outcome was brutally hard, but I don’t really know that I could have changed it that much — maybe yes, or maybe no.

What I do know is that practicing acceptance is the forerunner to inner peace. We need both to truly heal. And now, I understand that a lot of it was my upbringing, with no doctors or medical care to teach me that I should seek help when my body started to fall apart.

I’ve also found resolution in accepting the fact that there is much that I don’t know about a multitude of things, beyond not knowing how I should have been taking care of myself.

For over ten years, I’d been telling myself that I failed as a person when my health failed, when in fact, this was a false story that only leads to more regrets, guilt, and shame.

We can decide to accept things for what they are, what they have been, and what they will become. We can realign ourselves with the eternal wellspring of hope and, in the process, find ourselves and heal once again.

If I’ve learned one thing from this self-reflection, its that if I had made different choices, I would not have the life that I have now, writing, rehabilitating animals. And seeing all beings for what we truly are: magnificent expressions of the divine.

Letting go of regrets has helped me move on from the past, and move forward to a more enlivened future. And this is something that we can all do, through forgiveness, taking responsibility, and acceptance.

Accepting the past for what it was while knowing that it does not dictate our future unless we allow it is the highest form of freedom that there is. And here’s one final truth: we all deserve this.