SPORTS, SOCIETAL INJUSTICE
NFL Owners Inform Troy Vincent That His Fear of Scouting Combines Emulating Slave Auctions Will Be Resolved Next Year When The League Hires Only White Slaves
Make Football White Again
African-Americans have long demanded reparations for the hardships their ancestors suffered. Now, America has found an “acceptable” compromise.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revisited the scout combine rules due to complaints of slave auction undertones. He told owners that NFL executive Troy Vincent complained that NFL scouts tested athletes’ physical abilities the same way that white plantation owners tested slaves’ farming abilities. Goodell allowed this discussion, as protecting the feelings of their African-American athletes was more important than protecting the female cheerleaders from being prostituted by Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder.
This investigation didn’t sit well Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who ranted on how the parallels don’t constitute racism.
“This is a physically demanding sport that’s been around since 1920! We need to evaluate if these prospects are fit for the job! Else, they’ll end up like Damar Hamlin!
“What good is football if athletes are too sick to entertain our fans? Their health is trivial compared to the money our fans give us!
“If African-Americans find racial undertones in our scouting process, then they should fuck off. We’re not going to rewrite how long snappers play just because they bend in the same way as cotton pickers!”
Following the heated argument, Goodell jumped in.
“We thought our scout evaluations were fine. We need to see if players had the right body fat, speed, and endurance to play at an elite level of football. It’s a true American sport! What better way to celebrate America than to see a bunch of buff African-Americans beating the shit out of each other? Isn’t that what we white males call the pre-Civil War era? Or what Adrian Peterson’s kids call parenting?
“Turns out no amount of money and freedom is enough for the African-American athletes to ignore slavery undertones. Even civil rights activist Colin Kaepernick released a sequel to 12 Years A Slave to address these concerns.
“Despite comparing the NFL to slavery, Kaepernick still tried out to return to the NFL in 2022 after last playing in 2016. Was Kanye West right in stating that slavery is a choice?
“Regardless, we had no idea athletes felt like slaves during the NFL combine. We reached out to NFL quarterback Tom Brady on his thoughts. The white athlete said that he never saw it that way, but can understand their concerns. After losing his wife and a shot at the Super Bowl, Brady now says he can empathize with the abused black forefathers better when they were separated from their families and dreams.
“If white people can see slavery undertones, then we should prioritize African-American feelings over their abilities to perform in a high-stress environment. Starting now, only white people can apply to the NFL draft combine.”
NFL owners protested at the thought of waiving 90% of their rosters due to race. Goodell cut them off.
“We understand this is taking multiple steps back in civil rights. However, white people don’t see the combine as a slave auction. They’re willing to shut up and play ball. They’ll only fight back when we tell them to inject a small needle for protection against diseases. Or when we force them to wear helmets.
“Regardless, white athletes are willing to go through the trials of slavery just to earn a multi-million dollar paycheck at the end. If black athletes have PTSD triggers from events that happened before they were born, then they can opt out. We wish them well on their goal to secure a multi-million dollar slavery reparation from the government.
“The NFL will no longer be powered by African-Americans. America’s past-time will be fueled by white slaves. We will work together to make Louis Farrakhan’s wet dream a reality.”
Goodell’s speech was enough to get the rest of the teams and players on board.
- Coaches posted “Whites Only” signs in team gyms¹.
- Ravens mascot was replaced by a crow named Jim.
- Dan Snyder vowed to change his team name to the Washington Crackers in honor of the white slaves that paved the way for the current NFL.
African-American athlete DeSean Jackson took to Instagram to praise Goodell’s actions.
“I am pleased that Goodell is no longer abusing African-Americans. Even though we still need to find work, being unemployed is better than being slaves for money. We are finally free!
“My next step is to encourage Goodell to hold anti-Semites in the NFL accountable. Considering that African-Americans are the real Jews, every torture the white men put us through is promoting anti-Semitism. It’s time we start holding Bill Belichick accountable for his crimes against humanity! His rigorous practices are similar to Holocaust internment camps.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
Footnote #1: The “Whites Only” sign was swiftly taken down after NFL players complained. The sign was confusing enough to allow black athletes like Tre’Davious White, James White, and Devin White to enter.
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