NFL Athletes Furious They Can’t Play Bareheaded
Third-world country citizens continue to fight for their right to live, despite limited resources. Americans continue to protest for their freedom to throw away their lives, despite ample resources to keep them safe. This first-world ignorance continues to stun Africans, especially Dr. Bennet Omalu.
Omalu, known for his extensive research on chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), criticized the National Football League (NFL) for not informing professional football players of brain degeneration risks. Helmets can only do so much to mitigate concussions from heavy tackles of 300-pound trains. Repeated concussions deteriorates their brains, which affects former players during their retirement. Former quarterback Mark Rypien attempted to kill himself via a pill overdose, as he could no longer deal with the mental health trauma. Former quarterback Brett Favre claimed he sometimes forgets his daughter’s name and, even worse, forgets about Dre.
The National Football League originally addressed this issue by covering up Omalu’s research. This backfired so spectacularly that Hollywood used this corruption to revive Will Smith’s dwindling career. With growing support for CTE, the NFL relented and released sturdier helmets in 2019. This did not sit well with then Oakland Raiders wide receiver Antonio Brown, who filed multiple grievances to reinstate his old helmet from 2010.
“This f****** piece of s*** clouds my vision. This won’t do. Hell, I don’t give a damn bout no CTE. I’m Mr. Big Chest. Mr. Big Chest y’all. I’ll outrun those corners and not get tackled. I won’t get tackled no more. F*** [Roger] Goodell for limiting me. That cracker must go!”
Not only did Mr. Big Chest lose his court hearings, he also got banned briefly from the NFL for a recent sexual assault attempt. This shocked the world, as Brown was portrayed as a role model before he joined the Raiders. However, some people stated that Brown’s outburst and violence were a result of CTE. Twitter circulated Omalu’s paper that cited a strong correlation between CTE and NFL players engaging in domestic violence and sexual assault. This threat to the NFL brand scared Goodell, and he stopped all attempts to cover up CTE. Goodell then held an impromptu press conference to address NFL’s stance on CTE head-on.
“We of the National Football League take pride in bringing back the violence and euphoric gladiator fights that thrilled the Romans. Unfortunately, this isn’t India. In America, killing people for sport is illegal.
“We tried to present a PG-13 version of this sport by replacing the violent gladiator battles with grown ass men tackling each other in tight clothing. We figured fans would be distracted by the homosexual nature of our product to even think about the growing risks of CTE. If CTE became well-known, we would lose further supply of NFL athletes in the foreseeable future. We simply could not afford to lose our market of men tackling each other to Pornhub.
“We had to revise our approach to CTE following [Antonio] Brown’s incident. We’re trying to target the female demographic, and domestic violence/sexual assault from CTE will hurt our market expansion. After reviewing our safety guidelines, we realized that many teams are incredibly lax in enforcing stricter helmet rules. We simply cannot have another player abuse their wife or girlfriend just because they didn’t wear the proper equipment to protect themselves from concussions.
“Starting in 2021, we will penalize teams that do not enforce NFL regulated helmets. If a player suffers a concussion and we catch the team of that player bypassing the rules, that team will forfeit and be slapped with a loss. The game will be cancelled, and none of the team’s players will be paid.”
This new rule change was panned by NFL athletes, who took to Twitter to voice their disapproval of the new safety measures.
“I encourage all non-CTE players to read the rules-know em like you know your plays. We playing in jail this year and you should act as such. The only benefit we have is we still get checked everyday, but protect yourselves this season. Play ball and go home — sad but a must!” ~ Jalen Richard
“I know 2 people right now who got CTE but wore regulated helmets that clouded their vision…I’m just saying. I wouldn’t look at a teammate as bad if he decided not to wear a helmet, no pressure from 5.” ~ Jalen Ramsey
“Never thought I would say this, But being put in a position to hurt my team because I don’t want to wear a helmet is making me question my future in the NFL.” ~ DeAndre Hopkins (perhaps we owe former GM Bill O’Brien an apology for his disastrous trade in 2020. He might have protected the Houston Texans from this selfish human)
“Helmet I can’t do it…….” ~ Leonard Fournette
“The NFLPA F****** sucks” ~ Matt Judon
“The @NFL is making players wear colored wristbands now based on helmet status. Funny, I thought we all agreed on the evils of segregation back in the 60s. Here we are again- only this time it’s based on personal health choices instead of skin color.” ~ Anthony Sherman
We reached out to some of those players to question why they refuse to wear helmets. While it’s true that helmets won’t prevent CTE entirely, they still mitigate the risk. If everyone on their team wears one, then they lower the risk of a single teammate getting CTE. Furthermore, they lower the risk of a teammate with CTE going on a rampage and killing other teammates. The goal is to prevent CTE from spreading among teams and resulting in more people getting killed.
Many NFL players are still distrustful of the new helmets. Some fear that it’s a liberal hoax just so President Joe Biden can exert unnecessary control over them. Some believe these helmets are an NFL marketing scheme to sell more merchandise. Some fear that there may be microchips in the helmets that can read their own brains, thus helping opponents determine what their next plays are.
There are some NFL players who are steadfast in their misguided beliefs, and will go to unnecessary extremes to not wear a helmet. Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins refused to disclose his helmet status, as he said it was a private issue. Cousins, however, believed that CTE risk is not exacerbated from lack of helmets, but rather from close contact with defensive tackles. Instead of retiring, Cousins stated that he will play in every game. To give his teammates a chance to win and to be CTE-free, Cousins announced that he will enclose himself in a plexiglass container to avoid physical contact from the defense.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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