Narcissistic Families: The Truth Behind The Golden Child
They pay a high price for the “love” they receive.
In narcissistic families, every child plays a certain role — and every role satisfies the needs of the narcissistic parent(s) in its own way.
There are two main roles: the scapegoat, and the golden child.
The scapegoat is the child that is constantly being criticized, blamed, and diminished. This child is used to absolve the narcissistic parent of their dysfunctional and abusive behavior so that the parent is able to keep avoiding accountability and self-reflection.
On the other hand, the golden child is praised, admired, and idealized. The parent projects all their hopes and expectations onto this child, and will often be very blatant about the fact that this child is their favorite — with no empathy for how the scapegoat feels.
The golden child gets all the love, but is the love they get even real? Is the narcissistic parent even capable of loving?
Let’s dive into the messy reality of a narcissistic family.
Narcissistic Love Is Always Conditional
In a healthy family structure, children feel unconditionally loved by their parents. It doesn’t mean the family is perfect — it means everyone is loved and accepted for who they are.
Growing up with parents who demonstrate their love for you and give you the space to develop your individuality makes you feel like you have a secure base. You know how to stand up for yourself and set your boundaries because that’s what you were encouraged to do.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
Narcissistic parents don’t encourage you to be yourself. In fact, they shame you or criticize you when you’re honest and authentic.
The golden child is no exception. If you’re the golden child, it may look like your parents shower you with love and affection, but the love you’re receiving is not unconditional. You’ll only receive it as long as you stay obedient and compliant.
The minute you wake up and stop conforming to their demands, that love stops flowing.
In fact, you can turn into the scapegoat pretty easily.
When The Golden Child Grows Up
The golden child often struggles with mental health issues in adulthood. There are many possible scenarios (and some of them may coexist):
- They’re unable to distance themselves from their family. They feel guilty if they set boundaries and stand up for themselves, and don’t know how to build a firm sense of self without their parents’ “love” and validation;
- They struggle with chronic anxiety and/or depression;
- They’re perfectionists who have no idea how to be self-compassionate. They turn into overachievers, as they associate their self-worth with performing and “being the best”;
- They turn to people-pleasing, since their identity has always been attached to their ability to please others;
- They turn to drugs, gambling, alcohol, or food to cope with all the pressure;
- They turn into a narcissist just like their parent(s).
Regardless of the scenario, the adult child has no authentic self-identity.
Besides, golden children also develop an insecure attachment style and have the tendency to get into unhealthy relationship dynamics (because we all replicate the patterns we learned as children). Whether they end up anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant, they’ll have a hard time navigating romantic relationships.
Unfortunately, it’s very rare for people to question the type of parenting they’ve received — and it’s particularly rare for golden children. It requires an enormous amount of courage and resilience to ask yourself the hard questions and go against the patterns you’ve inherited from your family.
“Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. They refuse to accept that everybody has their own thoughts, ideas, needs, and aspirations — including their children.
This means they expect you to fit into the mold. Instead of accepting your uniqueness and supporting your growth, as normal parents do, they want you to meet their expectations and do everything as they please.
They want you to validate them. They want you to do their emotional work for them. They want you to make them feel comfortable.
In their minds, it doesn’t matter how you feel, or what your opinions are. All that matters is that you don’t challenge them — because their ego is too fragile to handle different ways of being.”
in How Narcissistic Parents Slowly Destroy Their Children’s Lives
Narcissistic families are very complex and can influence every sphere of your life. It can take many years to understand its effects, so don’t judge yourself if you’re at the beginning of your healing journey.
Whether you’re the golden child or the scapegoat, it’s never too late to break the cycle.
It’s never too late to say enough is enough and start honoring your true needs, desires, and ambitions.
