5 Clear Signs You Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
#1 You can’t effectively communicate your needs — you either blow up or shut off completely.
The fearful-avoidant attachment is often forgotten. People talk about the anxious attachment, the secure attachment, the avoidant attachment… Yet they forget the most complicated attachment of them all.
Fearful avoidant attachment develops in children when caregivers exhibit contrasting and inconsistent behavior. For example, they might be highly loving at times, but on other occasions, they might be distant or reactive.
This was my situation. As a child, I lived in a very unpredictable and chaotic environment where I never knew if I could rely on my parents to meet my emotional needs. This led me to absorb unhealthy relationship ideas based on what I was witnessing: I believed relationships were supposed to be unbalanced, uncertain, and overall chaotic.
If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, you probably relate to my experience — and navigating relationships can be particularly difficult for you.
1. You can’t effectively communicate your needs — you either blow up or shut off completely.
As the name suggests, people who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style oscillate between anxious (fearful) patterns and avoidant patterns.
Anxious patterns include fear of rejection, extreme distress when (potential) partners don’t respond right away and bottling things up until you have an outburst. On the other hand, avoidant individuals tend to shut off completely, or withdraw and get distant when their emotions become too overwhelming.
If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment, you probably fluctuate between these two extremes. You don’t know how to effectively communicate your needs because you don’t believe your needs are worthy of being met.
2. You pride yourself on your independence.
Securely attached people are not afraid to rely on the people they love. They know healthy relationships involve a healthy dose of interdependence.
More often than not, extreme independence stems from unresolved attachment trauma. Your sense of self-reliance gives you a sense of safety when, in reality, you’re not safe at all — you’re afraid.
You’re afraid of being abandoned. You’re afraid of being replaced. You’re afraid of showing your true colors and getting really vulnerable with others.
3. You either don’t want a relationship, or if you do want, you always end up self-sabotaging every time someone gets too close.
People who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style struggle with building stable, long-term friendships and relationships. They either:
- Have casual partners with whom they keep things light and superficial (because true intimacy terrifies them, as they carry a deep fear of abandonment);
- Or, they give themselves permission to enter a committed relationship, but it doesn’t last long because they oscillate between anxious behaviors (clinginess, jealousy, keeping score) and avoidant behaviors (withdrawing, ghosting…). This brings us to the next sign:
4. The relationships you do have tend to be very chaotic (push-pull, hot-and-cold dynamics).
In a previous article, I wrote:
“Many of us are so used to chaotic relationships that we actually believe these relationships are normal.
We believe instability is normal. We believe constant arguing is normal. We believe that living in an unstable, chaotic environment where you can rarely feel at peace is normal.
In fact, this is so ingrained in our subconscious mind that we can’t even imagine relationships that make us feel safe, heard and loved.
For years, this was my life. I was unconsciously addicted to chaos because I had lived amidst chaos my entire life. I pushed emotionally stable, healthy, mature people away because they were foreign to me. Like, why aren’t you arguing with me? Don’t you love me?”
5. You’re constantly looking for cues that your partner/the person you’re interested in is upset.
Anxiously attached have the most sensitive attachment system of them all — and people who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style share the same problem.
Even a slight hint that something may be wrong makes you feel uneasy and unsafe until your attachment figure reassures you and gives you a clear indication that everything’s okay. When that reassurance doesn’t happen, you’re left with activating strategies, meaning, thoughts and feelings that compel you to get close to your partner, either physically or emotionally.
According to the book Attached, some examples of activating strategies include:
- Difficulty concentrating on other things;
- Remembering only their good qualities;
- Thoughts like “he/she will change” or “everyone has problems”;
- Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your abilities and overestimating theirs;
- An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them;
- Believing this is your only chance for love;
- Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go.
As someone who used to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, I know how painful it is to navigate such complex feelings.
Here’s what I want you to know: it’s possible to change your attachment style. It’s possible to become more secure.
The more courage you have to dive into your past, the more your free yourself from it.
