5 Signs You’re Unconsciously Addicted To Chaotic Relationships — And Why

#1 You find it very difficult to trust people.

Many of us are so used to chaotic relationships that we actually believe these relationships are normal.

We believe instability is normal. We believe constant arguing is normal. We believe that living in an unstable, chaotic environment where you can rarely feel at peace is normal.

In fact, this is so ingrained in our subconscious mind that we can’t even imagine relationships that make us feel safe, heard and loved.

For years, this was my life. I was unconsciously addicted to chaos because I had lived amidst chaos my entire life. I pushed emotionally stable, healthy, mature people away because they were foreign to me. Like, why aren’t you arguing with me? Don’t you love me?

Then, I began to notice this pattern. As my healing journey progressed, I began to notice I’d feel anxious and worried when there were no dramatic interactions.

This is how we feel when we’re not dealing with the environment we’re used to. We love the familiar — even when it is negative or harmful.

1. You find it very difficult to trust people

Living in emotionally unsafe environments makes you feel like you can never really trust or rely on anyone.

This is a lesson you’ve learned many times before, because most of the times you shared your true self, you ended up feeling rejected or abandoned; and most of the times you believed you could count on someone, you ended up hurt and disappointed.

As a consequence, you now have a dysregulated nervous system that’s constantly looking for signs of danger in order to protect yourself.

You predict betrayal. You predict being taken advantage of. You play movies in your head. You anticipate the pain you’re going to feel.

Ironically, this anticipation only serves to create the pain you’re trying to avoid, as well as to keep your trust issues strong and alive. Your subconscious mind is replaying the chaotic scenarios as a form of self-protection, but it’s also feeding your addiction to chaotic relationships.

2. You have the tendency to date emotionally unavailable people

Have you ever wondered why you keep attracting the same people and relationship patterns over and over again? Why you can’t get yourself into a stable, secure relationship?

The reason why we tend to date emotionally unavailable people is simple: because we ourselves are emotionally unavailable. When you’re dating emotionally unavailable people, you’re confirming your inner stories and subconscious beliefs about relationships:

• relationships are not a safe space to be yourself;
• you should never allow yourself to be fully vulnerable with someone;
• relationships always lead to problems, so they’re not worth your efforts;
• people will always reject you, so you better reject them first.

That is why you always end up sabotaging potential secure relationships.

3. You’re a very, very busy person

Maybe you can’t see why being an extremely busy person is a sign you’re addicted to chaos. Allow me to explain.

We keep ourselves busy because it’s our way to distract ourselves from our own painful emotions and inner realities.

We keep ourselves busy because we know, on a subconscious level, that giving ourselves permission to stop would eventually create space for us to feel our authentic feelings — and we don’t want to feel them.

Essentially, we keep ourselves busy because our nervous system doesn’t know what it’s like to feel safe in the present moment.

4. You feel confused or even unloved when things are stable and peaceful

People who come from emotionally immature families, where at least one of the parents has no emotional regulation whatsoever, have the tendency to associate intimate relationships with conflict and drama.

In my home, there would be arguments and rage attacks out of nowhere. I had no idea when my father would get offended and have an emotional outburst — it could happen anytime, and anything could trigger it. As a child, I normalized this pattern and I believed this was just how relationships work.

It’s no surprise that, growing up, I’d find myself in chaotic relationships. I had no idea relationships could be a source of growth, support and unconditional love — instead, I viewed them as a source of anxiety and instability.

Here’s what I want you to know: you are not doomed.

You don’t have to be a victim of your circumstances. You have the ability to let go of your conditioning. You have the power to rewire your brain and regulate your nervous system. You have the power to choose which beliefs serve you and which do not.

5. When you’re on social media, you enjoy spending time arguing and attempting to prove people wrong

This is a clear sign that conflict is something your mind is familiar with and — as ironically as it sounds — finds comfort in.

Our mind loves what is familiar. If we’ve grown up in unstable environments, then we’re not familiar with stability. If we’ve spent years being manipulated and gaslighted, then we’re not familiar with peace and freedom.

As a consequence, we gravitate towards chaos. We crave the chaos we have become accustomed to — so, when we don’t have it, we attempt to create it.

“The unsafe and chaotic living conditions of our lives were not visible or obvious to the outside world. Despite the appearance of everything being under control, we experienced continued chaos, developed a tolerance for chaos, and I believe became addicted to chaos.”

Rita Barsky, in Addicted To Chaos

One of the many lessons my healing journey has taught me is that we all project our own unresolved issues onto others, specially when it comes to intimate relationships.

If, as children, love meant consistent chaos, that’s what our subconscious mind seeks in our adult relationships. We all like to have our own inner stories confirmed — yes, even when they’re not pleasant.

However, at the end of the day, we choose how to deal with the baggage we’ve been carrying. We choose what to do with our own lives.

And we can always choose peace instead of chaos.

Thank you for reading!

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