The Real Reason We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve
We can’t accept something we don’t feel worthy of.
We spend most of our romantic lives stuck in the same patterns, replicating them over and over again.
The reason behind this is simple, yet extremely complex: we let our previous relationships dictate how love is supposed to feel like, and we attract people who reinforce these feelings.
In other words, we let our past dictate our future. We let our beliefs dictate our experiences.
Sometimes, our beliefs don’t align with our needs: we need love, yet we push it away; we need a deep emotional connection, yet we’re terrified of it.
We’re terrified because we associate love with chaos. We’re terrified because we don’t believe love can be calm, stable, caring and validating.
How could we, if we’ve never had that kind of love before?
Our First Relationships Teach Us What Love Is Supposed To Feel Like
We’re all constantly absorbing information from the world around us — even though it usually is an unconscious process.
When something happens, we immediately create corresponding beliefs, and depending on how strong the experience is, these beliefs become a part of our identity.
From that point on, we’ll see life from the eyes of these beliefs — and the more we believe in them, the more we’ll get into situations and relationships that reinforce them. It’s a vicious cycle that only comes to an end once we consciously stop the process.
So let’s say you’re cheated on by your first partner. Some of the beliefs you internalize are:
- Love is not safe;
- I’m unlovable;
- I’m better off on my own.
- I’m replaceable;
- I’m not good enough.
Now, the likelihood of your next relationship making you feel the same way is huge — because that’s exactly what you’re expecting.
Or, let’s say you were in a relationship that made you feel controlled, manipulated and overwhelmed. After living like that for long enough, you create the belief that you need to set some very strong, inflexible boundaries.
Your space and your independence become your top priority because you know what it feels like to have them violated.
In any case, your relationships created your beliefs. Sometimes, you haven’t even had a romantic relationship — your relationship with your parents has affected you on such a deep level that it reflects your beliefs about love.
It All Comes Down To Our Attachment Style
The reason why keep replicating the same patterns is in our attachment style. Every attachment style has a certain predisposition to attract other specific attachment styles, as well as to avoid others that don’t fit our inner stories about love.
If you’re anxiously attached, you probably have the tendency to mistake an emotional roller coaster for love, which leads to unstable relationships that don’t fulfill you.
On a conscious level, you believe you want secure love, but your subconscious mind doesn’t know what secure love feels like. It only knows anxiety, uncertainty and unpredictability. It doesn’t believe you deserve a stable relationship because it doesn’t even know what that is.
On the other hand, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you attract anxiously attached people, whose need for reassurance makes you feel overwhelmed.
You’re probably asking, but why would I attract the exact thing I don’t want?
Because these relationships confirm and reinforce your need for space and independence. They make you feel like nobody will ever understand how important your freedom is to you.
You don’t even realize you’re the one sabotaging your own relationships because you’re too focused on how clingy other people are.
The point is, we all like to have our inner stories confirmed.
Our inner stories make us feel safe because they tell us the world is predictable. They tell us how relationships are and how people behave, and believing them is much more comfortable than acknowledging how uncertain life can be.
And this is why you accept the love you think you deserve.
Because you don’t know any other kind of love. Because familiarity feels safer. Because you can’t accept something you don’t feel worthy of.
It doesn’t matter if you partner left you or cheated on you, because now you know what you will and will not tolerate.
It doesn’t matter if your previous relationships were a mess, because you get to choose the kind of love you want from now on.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve spent years pushing people away out of fear, because you can always choose love over fear.
It doesn’t matter if your parents were not able to connect with you on a deeper level and teach you how amazing love can be, because their inability to love you unconditionally is not a reflection of how lovable you are.
None of that matters because you get to choose which love you deserve.
So, the question you should ask yourself is: which love do I want from now on?
