How To Change Unhealthy Dating Patterns: A Step-By-Step Guide
Do you keep attracting the same kind of relationship over and over again?
Everybody has patterns. If you think you don’t have any, you’re just lying to yourself.
A pattern is a behavior we repeat over and over again, often without realizing it. Your pattern might be chasing emotionally unavailable people, pushing people away, ignoring your emotional needs, or making excuses for unhealthy/dysfunctional behavior.
My biggest pattern used to be anxiously chasing people who I knew were unhealthy while dismissing secure individuals who had everything I needed. Why? Because I had a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Unstable relationships felt like home.
Anxiously attached people triggered my avoidant side and made me feel overwhelmed, while avoidant partners made me feel terribly anxious and insecure.
And what about secure and stable partners, you ask? Well, I was so used to the emotional roller-coaster associated with push-pull relationships, that I had no idea how to deal with a calm, loving relationship. In my mind, that wasn’t love — because true love was supposed to be chaotic.
Thankfully, I was able to heal my wounds and change my patterns. I gradually changed my attachment style to secure, and I’ve been in a beautiful, conscious relationship for almost 5 years.
What did I do to change my dating patterns? Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Revisit The Past And Do Some Introspection
If you want to change, you have to be very aware of what exactly you need to change. This means you have to revisit old wounds and acknowledge how they’ve shaped your current reality.
This process can take a few months but it’s crucial to your healing journey. To be honest, it can take years, but you don’t need to be “fully healed” to find love (more on that later).
Ask yourself: what are my beliefs regarding love and relationships? And where do these beliefs come from?
Some common beliefs include:
- “Love is supposed to be earned” (which makes you chase unhealthy/emotionally unavailable people because you believe you have to “earn” their love);
- “Relationships always lead to pain” (which leads you to push people away and sabotage potential relationships);
- “Relationships are complicated/inherently unbalanced” (which makes you normalize dysfunctional behavior and leave your needs behind, while always prioritizing the needs of your partner);
- “I can’t trust people. I’m better off on my own” (which reinforces your need for space and independence, when in reality you crave love and affection).
It’s important to keep in mind that most of our beliefs stem not only from past romantic experiences but also from our relationship with our caregivers. So take the time to get in touch with how you feel about yourself and your parents. Were they present? Did you feel unconditionally loved, accepted, and supported? Or did you have to earn their love?
Be honest about your hidden feelings, memories, and thoughts. Don’t be afraid — I know it hurts, but this is how you heal.
Step 2: Stop Making Excuses For Harmful Behavior (Including Your Own)
Now that you’re aware of your patterns, it’s time to put your new awareness into practice — because that’s how real change takes place.
This means now’s the time to stop making excuses for unhealthy behavior, including your own.
- If a potential partner ghosts you, take it as a sign of incompatibility, not as a sign to “work harder” and prove to them how worthy you are;
- If someone disrespects your boundaries, speak up for yourself instead of going back to your people-pleasing mode;
- Next time you catch yourself thinking your partner should be the one chasing you, remind yourself that relationships are not supposed to be one-sided — and try to get to the roots of your insecurity;
- Next time you feel the need to withdraw and push someone away, try to at least be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, instead of blaming the other person and painting them as “needy”, which only reinforces your avoidant personality;
- If you’ve been having casual, superficial relationships, ask yourself: is this really what I want/need? (there’s nothing wrong with casual relationships, the problem is that we usually use them to protect ourselves from real intimacy — meaning, we want deeper connections but we’re afraid of vulnerability, so we keep things casual even if this kind of relationship doesn’t satisfy our needs).
Step 3: Stop Expecting To Be “Fully Healed” Before You Can Have A Secure Relationship
When we begin our healing journey, it’s very common for us to think “okay, so I have to heal all my wounds, and then I can finally find a secure partner”.
This way of thinking only creates more conditions. It makes you believe you have to “fix” yourself, as if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.
The truth is, there will always be something to heal. There will always be fears coming up to the surface, and beliefs you had no idea you had. Your job is not to get rid of them all at once. Your job is to make sure these voices are not sabotaging your happiness.
Relationships will always trigger us regardless of how much inner work we have done. In fact, relationships are our biggest mirrors, and therefore our biggest catalysts for healing.
Although I’m mostly securely attached now, I still have some insecurities from time to time. The difference is that I’m aware of them, and I no longer allow them to influence my decisions. I know these insecurities are not who I really am — they’re just coping mechanisms I’ve developed to protect myself.
Step 4: Give Yourself Permission To Date Someone Secure
So you’re aware of your patterns. You’ve stopped making excuses for unhealthy behavior. And you’ve realized you don’t have to be fully healed to be in a healthy relationship.
This means your healing journey has filtered out unhealthy partners, and sooner or later you’ll stumble upon someone who’s securely attached. Someone who’s able to accept you as you are, validate your feelings, and respect you no matter what.
There are no mixed signals. There are no mind games. Your connection is honest and consistent.
The old you would have painted this relationship as boring, since there’s no emotional roller-coaster. However, the new you has a different option: learn to appreciate the love and stability of a secure partner. Learn to embody the idea that you too deserve to be loved.
Once you do that — congratulations! You’ve officially changed your dating patterns.
We all deserve to be loved, and you’re no exception.
You don’t have to keep attracting the same kind of relationship over and over again. Change is always possible, especially if you’re committed to your healing journey.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to our sense of worthiness. Do you feel worthy of love? Do you feel worthy of a mutual, peaceful, genuine relationship with someone who loves you just as you are?
If you don’t feel worthy of it, how do you expect to find it?