Avoidant Attachment: Everything You Need To Know
Is your independence a trauma response?
The avoidant-dismissive attachment style is one of the three insecure adult attachment styles, and it’s characterized by an avoidance of feelings, emotional closeness, and intimacy.
If you have this attachment style, you probably push people away and see yourself as an independent, self-sufficient individual who doesn’t need anyone else. You feel safer in superficial relationships with people who share your need for space and independence.
The problem is, your extreme independence is a coping mechanism. It’s something you’ve developed to cope with unmet needs.
If you recognize the avoidant attachment style in yourself, I’m here to tell you everything you need to know.
The Signs of An Avoidant Attachment Style In Adult Relationships
Avoidant individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. As soon as things get serious, they become extremely uncomfortable. These are the main signs of an avoidant attachment style:
- You always feel that others are too needy;
- The idea of committing to one person terrifies you and makes you feel extremely overwhelmed;
- You prefer casual relationships with emotionally unavailable people who respect your independence and don’t demand too much;
- When you do find someone you’d like to get to know on a deeper level, you often sabotage the relationship because you have no idea of how to deal with your feelings;
- Your relationships tend to be unstable and unpredictable, filled with mind games and push-pull dynamics;
- You’re an overachiever and/or workaholic — you keep yourself busy to avoid your feelings and emotions (you may do it consciously or unconsciously);
- When someone crosses your boundaries, you cut them out of your life with no hesitation;
- You avoid asking for help. You hate the idea of relying on others;
- You tend to be passive-aggressive when something is wrong;
What Are The Causes of An Avoidant Attachment Style?
Attachment patterns stem largely from our experiences as children, as well as our first romantic experiences.
If you were raised by parents who dismissed your emotional life and were overall emotionally unavailable, chances are you absorbed the message that it’s not safe to rely on others to meet your needs. As a consequence, you developed the idea that you’re better off on your own — and now you apply this idea to all your relationships.
Our ability to form healthy, stable relationships depends on the emotional availability of our caregivers. If they were responsive and consistent, we learn that relationships are supposed to be balanced and supportive.
If, on the other hand, our caregivers avoid displays of intimacy and seem to back off when we need support and reassurance, then we learn very early in life that relationships are not safe.
Becoming More Secure: How To Heal
Fortunately, there are ways to heal and become more secure. Although we don’t get to choose the attachment style we form as children, we do get to choose what to do with it as adults.
As I wrote in another article, first, you have to make sense of your experiences. This means having the courage to revisit the past and recognize why you are the way you are. How is/was your relationship with your parents? Did they support you unconditionally, or were they emotionally unavailable? This way, you get to know your triggers — and that’s how they lose their power.
It’s also important to recognize that trust should always be treated as relative to a person. Some people can be trusted, some not. You need to find out who you can trust — and give yourself permission to trust them.
When you do find someone you can trust, slowly allow yourself to get vulnerable and form a secure attachment with them. Be honest with them. Share your true thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Chances are, you’ll realize it’s actually safe to open up — and that it’s amazing to feel loved by who you really are.
That’s what I did 5 years ago when I met my partner. It was not easy in the beginning, but we’ve been in a loving relationship ever since.
We all need emotional intimacy, and you’re no exception.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you need to unlearn your avoidant beliefs and replace them with healthier coping mechanisms. This involves realizing that you don’t need to do it all on your own.
In fact, it’s normal and healthy to want intimacy. That’s how we truly thrive.
