5 Signs You’re Emotionally Unavailable
#3 You always feel that others are too needy.
If you’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship and you like to keep things at a surface level, chances are you’re emotionally unavailable.
Ironically, emotionally unavailable are often attracted to each other. After all, they share the same desires, as well as the same fears: they want some kind of intimacy, but they’re terrified of vulnerability.
It’s important to mention that if you’re emotionally unavailable, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you — it simply means you’ve built some very high walls around you, and you’re unconsciously sabotaging your happiness.
Most importantly, it’s something you can change as long as you’re committed to developing your self-awareness and change your subconscious beliefs about love and relationships. I used to be emotionally unavailable, and I’m in a loving, healthy, stable relationship.
All you have to do is get out of your own way. But first, let’s dive into the traits of an emotionally unavailable person.
1. You send mixed signals.
If you’re emotionally unavailable, you probably send mixed signals to the people you’re dating.
Sometimes you’re distant, other times you’re affectionate. Sometimes you crave their presence, other times you feel overwhelmed and end up pushing them away. This doesn’t mean you’re consciously manipulating them — actually, your emotions are just as confusing as your behavior.
2. You like the chase. When there’s no adrenaline/emotional roller coaster, you get bored.
If you like the part of dating where you’re unsure if someone likes you, but then you run as soon as they admit they do, you’re likely emotionally unavailable. You like the excitement that comes with not knowing, but once feelings are verbalized, you feel like “it’s too much”.
When our first relationships — especially, our relationship with our caretakers — are chaotic and turbulent, we often become addicted to the chaos, and we normalize it. As a consequence, when things are calm and stable (when we meet secure partners), we get turned off.
3. You always feel that others are too needy.
Emotionally unavailable people always feel like others are demanding too much from them and being too needy/clingy. If the person they’re dating is not needy, they’ll soon find another flaw to complain about and justify why the relationship won’t work.
Ironically, they feel attracted to people who are either far away or emotionally unavailable like them — because the chase phase never ends.
4. You avoid labels.
Emotionally unavailable people don’t want to “label” their relationship because not having labels makes them feel safer. If you feel this way, it’s probably because:
- you feel like relationships take a lot of work;
- you want to keep your options open;
- you don’t want to depend on anyone — you pride yourself on your independence, and you want to keep it that way;
However, these reasons are just the tip of the iceberg. What you’re really doing is protecting yourself from rejection and/or abandonment. You’re terrified of getting hurt again, so you find a million reasons to justify your subconscious fears.
Relationships can take many forms, but all of them are supposed to have a certain amount of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and commitment .There’s nothing wrong with open or more casual relationships, but they’re often used to avoid our real feelings.
Secure relationships are supposed to make you feel unconditionally loved and supported — they’re not supposed to feel like a burden. The problem is, your past relationships have probably taught you the opposite, and this is something you have to unlearn.
5. You cut people off at the drop of a hat.
Securely attached people use effective communication to express their needs, desires, and expectations, and they expect you to do the same.
On the other hand, when we’re emotionally unavailable, we don’t know how to effectively communicate our feelings — so we end up cutting people off without letting them know how we truly feel.
The other reason why we do this is that, subconsciously, we know effective communication creates space for vulnerability and emotional intimacy — two things we’re terrified of.
Emotional unavailability may look different depending on the situation, but the common theme is the avoidance of our emotions — and, as a consequence, the avoidance of the emotions of others.
It’s possible to be unavailable in some areas and available in others. For instance, you may be unavailable in romantic relationships, but available when it comes to your friendships.
Something I’ve learned from being in a secure relationship is that we all need a secure base. In fact, that’s what makes us thrive.
Having someone you can rely on is a beautiful experience, regardless of how self-sufficient we are. Don’t let your fears convince you otherwise.
