THE BACKLASH ABATES? STORIES OF LGBTQ LOVE AND CHEER
My Queer Friend, You Are Changing the World
And you probably don’t even realize it
I was a shitty queer ally
It’s true. But since crossing the streams and falling into the rainbow mafia, I’ve found great allies. So, when Prism & Pen asked for our stories of positive signs that the backlash is abating, I had a chat with one of those allies (let’s call her Ali) to get a perspective beyond my own. What I didn’t expect was to hear a heartening story that I unknowingly helped create. This article is about the cycle of change and why we, queer community members and allies alike, are already making a difference.
When allies listen!
What makes a great queer ally is an opinion in itself and I’ve already shared mine in reply to the previous Prism & Pen writing prompt. My conclusion (and my opinion — yours may, and probably will, be different), was this:
A great ally asks us questions instead of telling us about our community. They don’t have to fight our battles, but they are uniquely positioned to help prevent them.
Read the full article here:
I shared with Ali that I see her as a great ally because she asks questions. She’s never once dared assume she knows more about my gender or sexuality than I do. That is fundamental in true queer allyship.
Ally meets an enby!
Ali mentioned that non-binary pronouns were not part of her experience… until she met me. I was the first openly non-binary person she had met, that she was aware of. I’ve known Ali since she booked me to do a pet sit for her (prior to Covid-19). It was before my egg cracked, when I still cringed at she/her pronouns but didn’t know why, and when all I had was my deadname. And yet, since I came out, I can count on one hand how many times she’s slipped and used gendered pronouns. Still, not once has she used my deadname. She told me she corrects others who assume she is talking about multiple people when she uses they to refer to me. Yes, that old thing!
And then, this happened…
Then, Ali told me the story. I’m not sure how the conversation started (I forgot to ask), but I like to think that perhaps Ali referred to her non-binary cat sitter who uses they/them pronouns, and it opened a dialogue.
Ali adopted a cat (let’s call him, Beaver) from a lovely woman (let’s call her, Maggie) and they’ve kept in touch over the years. A few months ago, Maggie shared with Ali that her partner has recently transitioned. I know, I know, that could mean anything from social to medical transition, but that’s not the point.
The partner had an unusual name so Ali asked Maggie how to pronounce it. Maggie responded to Ali with the pronunciation but then added that it really doesn’t matter how you pronounce it, as long as you don’t use her deadname. To which Ali responded:
You know what? I wouldn’t have even known what you meant if Kai hadn’t told me what a ‘deadname’ was.
It’s the small things for me!
There is so much to love about this story
First, there is Maggie.
Prior to her partner’s transition (for ease, let’s call her May — see what I did?), without assuming anyone’s sexuality, this couple presented as heterosexual. They were a couple. Together. And when May embraced her true gender, that didn’t change. This is a thing of absolute beauty and gives me so much hope. This is pure acceptance. Unconditional love as all love should be.
Then there is Ali.
An ally who listened, who learned, and who was able to use that education to give added comfort and joy to another. Because there is no way Maggie would have shared this if she wasn’t certain that information would be embraced.
Then there is me.
An enby who is lucky to feel safe enough to share my experience. Someone who will answer the questions of the respectfully curious. And someone who unknowingly, unwittingly, and unintentionally played some small part in allowing two great allies to connect and share their stories thus widening their own circles of education and understanding.
Change is inevitable. Change is constant.
The cycle of change
So, you see, it’s inevitable. Things change. Everything changes. Change is inevitable. Change is constant. And we each have an impact in every moment, with every word. We are all changing the world.
Hate seems loud. Because those who hate need to scream to be heard by a few. Like throwing shit at a wall, of course, some will stick. Plus, it’s difficult to listen, when you are shouting. But because they aren’t listening, they don’t hear the growing roar of the masses gently, and often quietly, passing around truth, love, and acceptance.
With my Australian privilege, I acknowledge that these voices are too quiet where hate booms the loudest, and I wish I could offer more than my simple belief that change is happening… and hope!
Included quotes shared with explicit permission from Ali. All names have been changed (or created if unknown) ultimately to protect May. I look forward to the day it will no longer matter and everyone can just live their lives.
This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, The Backlash Abates? Stories of LGBTQ Love and Cheer.