WHO IS (WOULD BE) YOUR PERFECT LGBTQ ALLY?

What is an LGBTQAI+ Ally, Anyway? Great Question, Apparently.

A great ally knows what an ally is and checks their privilege

When Prism & Pen asked, “What makes a great ally?” my memory returned to the moment I learned just how unaware the general population is. Before I was unceremoniously purged from the closet, I was an ally. Not a great one, but at least I knew what ally meant!

Let’s start with ME as a crappy ally

This was my take when I was still a baby trans (I’ve graduated to toddler status now… at least, I think I have):

When I first came out, I acknowledged that though I thought I’d been a good ‘ally’, I wasn’t. Not at all. I say that because I didn’t know what it was like to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I supported my LGBTQIA+ friends but I didn’t understand their experiences. And I didn’t educate myself. Until I found myself on the other side, I truly could not appreciate that there was another side.

I wrote this in part 2 of the below articles. Now, I get that in a way I did understand their experiences, just not from a place of awareness.

But THIS story is about how I discovered just how lacking basic education is in regard to the queer community.

How it began…

Without any doubt at all, my favorite subject in my Media and Communications degree was Project A. The 12-week subject aimed at utilizing the skills learned in previous subjects to create a unique digital project. I decided to adapt a book I was working on into a fictional podcast. It was an amazing experience and I received the top mark in the class for the final project. Go me! I’m very proud of this as are all of my cast.

Treading Water

Treading Water is a fictional podcast about Ash, a gay trans man finding his own path with the help of his friends. Based on my [Streamlined] book series currently in production, the podcast aims to challenge cis/trans-normative stereotypes. — Outline from my project submission. Note, the series was original titled Personal Best but is now Streamlined.

Here’s the 60-second teaser and the pilot episode (external links — not monetized).

Searching for Treading Water Cast Members

But here is where the fun happened! In searching for my cast of voice actors, I advertised on a popular audition site. I included a disclaimer. Here is an excerpt from that:

Personal Best is an LGBTQAI+ contemporary sports drama with a slow-burn gay romance… Our main protagonist is a trans man. I STRONGLY encourage gender diverse applicants for ALL ROLES as part of the design of this project is to raise awareness and increase representation of LGBTQAI+ issues with a focus on gay trans masc representation.

And based on this, I included the question, “Are you a member of the LGBTQAI+ community or an ally?” Because of course, I wouldn’t want anyone working on this project who was not at least an ally. I would not do that to my cast, I would not do that to my audience, and I would not do that to myself.

And then, this…

I had 72 responses and was stunned that around 35% were instantly disqualified because they replied, “No,” or offered a response that was, “No, but…” to this question. Why the hell did they apply? I don’t suspect they were all homophobes or transphobes, but rather that they were… ignorant/unaware.

I knew these screenshots would come in handy one day! Here are some of the more perplexing responses I received (all identifiers removed). Only those 18+ could respond so keep in mind that these are all grown-ass adults! Also, no shade for those who are truly just unaware, so take my snarky reads with the forehead slaps intended.

All jokes aside, it seems to me that perhaps the concept of ‘ally’ is somehow, confusing?! Which I find confusing. Do people think that to be an ally, you have to be queer? Way to completely miss the point. Or that you have to be waving the flags, going to all the events, and shouting through megaphones? I simply wanted to know, ‘Are you going to be on board with my project and what it stands for?” Yes? Then awesome. A no to being an ally was a no to being someone I and the team could work with.

Every responder here seems to have run the question through their own confused filters and dare I say… privileges?

Because isn’t that why many people get so upset by the so-called queer agenda? They think their privilege is threatened. But I think the real problem is that they don’t acknowledge that they have privilege in the first place, because if they did, they would realize that that isn’t going anywhere. We can only understand privilege and non-privilege if we literally experience both. Many, certainly most able-bodied cishet white men, never will. And even those of us who lack some privilege are often unable to recognize the privilege we do have. If we have ‘passing’ privilege (in any capacity), unless we’ve ever experienced not having passing privilege, we just can’t fully comprehend the experience. I say this as someone with white-passing privilege. I’ll never fully understand what it is like to not be seen as white. That has its own bag of problems, but white privilege isn’t one.

Let’s finish with some cuteness

Before I wrap this up, let’s not forget the wholesome (though still unaware) responses I received, because there were a few. These two are my favorites:

Oh, baby queers, we’ll take you both!

OK, Wrap it up already

For me, a great ally doesn’t just accept, they take the time to learn and that requires curiosity. A great ally will check their privilege. That’s not to say they disown it but rather, they accept it and they are open to seeing it and becoming more aware of it and then using that privilege to help those without it. A great ally knows they can’t understand and that we don’t expect them to. A great ally asks us questions instead of telling us about our community. They don’t have to fight our battles, but they are uniquely positioned to help prevent them.

Get instant access to EVERYTHING on Medium for $5/month. Use this link to help pay for the author’s ongoing therapy — and no, I’m not even joking…

This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, I Need a Friend! Who Is (Would Be) Your Perfect LGBTQ Ally?

Other stories so far: