Is One Date Enough to Know?

I’m not sure it’s enough to gauge attraction — at least for me.

I may have put off online dating after my divorce, but I was certain about one thing. I was cut and dry about attraction. I would either feel it, or I wouldn’t.

When I did jump on a dating app, I wouldn’t waste my time.

I would either be interested or not.

I would know immediately.

One date would be enough to determine compatibility, attraction, and personality. Why would I want to delay the inevitable and go on another date?

It wasn’t necessary.

But then I met a guy who made me think otherwise.

Especially, when I remembered something about my ex-husband.

Hear me out.

I’m not necessarily saying one date isn’t enough to decide. Sometimes it might be. I’m saying it may not be as ‘all or nothing’ as I thought. There may be some grey area.

It’s something I want to consider now that I’m jumping on a dating app.

If I hadn’t fallen for my 5-week guy, it may not have occurred to me.

I would have forgotten something about another man.

Let me start with him.

I was a sophomore in college, trailing behind my four roommates as we entered a party. There was a 6-foot-3 guy who caught their attention immediately.

“That guy is so good-looking,” says one of my roommates.

The other girls echo her sentiment.

“Really?” I say. “I don’t think so, he looks like a pretty boy.”

Later that night, I’m filling my beer at the keg. A guy has had too much to drink. He stumbles backward and both of our drinks go flying. One covers my shirt, and the other my hair.

But I can’t leave the party.

I’ve stayed behind to wait for one of my roommates.

We never let anyone walk alone.

I sit on the couch next to the pretty boy. He appears to be a nice guy. I’m not interested. Especially, while sporting my current brewski look. I just want to go home.

My roommate is taking forever.

She doesn’t want to leave this party.

I end up talking to the pretty boy longer than anticipated. He’s beginning to win me over. I’m still not attracted to him. I am simply less judgy than my young self had previously been.

“You want to come back to my place for breakfast?” he asks.

This seals the deal.

And not in his favor.

“Nope,” I say.

I’m not interested in a guy who’s looking for an opportunity. It makes me like him less. I’m not the girl who’s going home with a guy she just met under the ‘guise’ of breakfast.

For the next month, it’s a nightmare.

I work to avoid him.

I routinely pass a few of the girls who say, “Don’t go in that party, or don’t go in that bar. The guy you met is in there and he keeps asking for you again.”

One day I’m caught unaware.

My roommates and I are in a college bar.

He approaches me.

“You’re going to need to stop staring at me,” he says.

“I’m not staring at you,” I say.

This is the moment everything changes. The pretty boy’s cocky arrogance makes me laugh. We talk for a while. It turns out he is a nice guy and a pretty funny guy.

If you know me, then you know one thing about me.

If you make me laugh, I’ll pretty much follow you anywhere.

I say yes to a date.

I’m not sure who’s more shocked, me or my roommates. Three months later, I come home and announce he’s the man I will one day marry. Go figure.

The guy I didn’t find remotely attractive or interesting.

Enter my recent dating experience.

My 5-week guy.

He’s a man that I make a decision to see before he’s being transferred. He offers me a Bud Light when I’m at my apartment’s pool. A group of us hang out for the day.

My 5-week guy, pool guy, or Bud Light guy is fun.

He is funny.

This is my personal danger zone.

But the thought of dating him never enters my mind

Later that night, he texts me, “We should grab a meal sometime.”

I’m not sure I want to go out with him. He’s handsome, nice, fun, and funny but I don’t feel attracted to him. I think he’s a great guy. I’m just not interested.

Or so I think.

A month later, I run into him at the bar attached to my building.

When he turns to look at me, I’m surprised. I didn’t feel any attraction to him that first day. He was so much fun to hang out with. But I literally didn’t feel a thing.

It’s a complete 360.

I am incredibly attracted to him.

I can’t stop thinking about him.

Hence, I’m two for two.

I dated and then married my pretty boy. The man I did not find attractive. I grow to believe quite the opposite. He’s handsome and everything I think I wanted.

And my 5-week guy?

He broke my years long self-imposed dating moratorium.

The one man who made me cave.

He would be the first guy I dated after my overly long and abusive divorce. Even when I had no interest in attaching myself to someone. That’s what happens, when you can’t free yourself from a man for five years.

You don’t necessarily want another.

But I decided my 5-week guy was worth it.

The handsome, sweet, fun, and funny guy I didn’t initially find attractive. It was hard for me to believe I ever felt that way. I was now attracted to everything about him.

I was willing to date someone for only 5-weeks.

Even though I knew there was an end before our beginning.

It has me asking…

Is one date enough to know?

I’m not sure it is, at least not always.

Both of these men were good-looking and a lot of fun to be with. On the surface, there was no reason I wouldn’t be attracted to them. But I wasn’t. More importantly, I wasn’t ‘initially’ drawn to them.

In my then college-boyfriend’s case, he made me laugh.

I realize this was the shifting moment.

In the case of my 5-week guy, I can definitely tell you the shifting moment. It happened when he turned to look at me. But I can’t necessarily tell you the cause because it was instantaneous.

I had just arrived at the bar.

We hadn’t spoken a word to each other yet.

I hadn’t seen him since that first day at the pool.

I just saw him differently. I would say it’s because I hadn’t seen him for weeks. But I don’t think that’s the reason. I’ve been asked out before and said no.

I’ve run into those men and it wasn’t enough to change my mind.

It might be that I wasn’t open.

I didn’t want to date anyone when I first met him. It could be why I immediately decided I didn’t want to grab a meal. Maybe it was less about him, and more about me.

Either way, I’m going to try and be open.

Ironically, that’s one of the last things my 5-week guy texted before he left.

“Be open,” he said.

He knew there was a good chance I was going to close myself off again. He understood the trauma I experienced from my abusive divorce. He recognized my apprehension and fear of commitment.

I will be open to one thing.

I won’t be quick to judge.

I’m not going to be all or nothing, or cut and dry.

I’m not necessarily going to believe one date is enough to know.