Sometimes We Lie More to Ourselves in Relationships

Then our partner lies to us

When I was married I didn’t know I was doing it. I didn’t realize I was lying to myself. It took a marriage counselor to wipe my rose-colored glasses clean.

We tell ourselves what we want to hear.

Because the truth is more painful.

I didn’t want to believe my husband was conscious of his bad behavior. He knew what he was doing, don’t get me wrong. But I wanted — no — I needed to believe his actions were derived from pain.

“All you do is say your husband is a good person in a bad place,” said my friend.

Of course, I did.

We tell ourselves what we want to hear.

It begins with enabling but the lies feed a need within us.

As long as I deceived myself, I was still married to a good guy, my college sweetheart, best friend, and the love of my life. My husband, my family, and my world were still safe.

As long as I committed emotional perjury, my universe was intact.

It was worth swindling myself.

At least, at the time it was.

Because now I can’t believe I ever called that man the love of my life. That was the real lie. I just didn’t yet have enough counseling and education to realize that.

Recently, my friend and I were discussing dating.

We were commiserating over our recent hit and misses, aka, broken hearts.

She was explaining what she was hoping for in the future. A reconciliation with the guy she’s crazy about. In the process, she was throwing out possible theories for his behavior.

I recognize this.

I’m an expert at it.

I listen to her and chime in with my own relationship musings. I can hear myself. I know I’m lying to myself. My marital mistakes have made me shrewd.

I’m no longer an emotional intern.

I’m far too wise and self-responsible to defraud myself again.

But I’ve decided to allow myself a few weeks of denial, aka, fibbing to myself.

I realize what happened while I was dating. I realize it’s over. I know it was never realistic because of geography and other things. I know my truth. But the temporary denial I’ve permitted myself tells another story.

Namely, that I will be wrong in some way shape, or fashion.

Fortunately, I’m self-aware.

“Thanks for allowing me my fantasy,” I say with a laugh.

“Of course,” she says. “I’m your friend.”

My friend and I both know our naked truth. See how I did that? Couldn’t help myself. I had to use a turn of phrase in this relationship and dating piece.

We just aren’t ready to accept it.

We tell ourselves what we want to hear.

We are both smart enough to recognize this. We understand the relationship lies we tell ourselves. We chat about it to help us process it and to allow those relationships to live a little longer.

Even if it’s a fantasy.

We tell ourselves what we want to hear.

Sometimes we lie more to ourselves in our relationships.

Than our partner lies to us.