The Way Our Marriages End Kind of Tells Us All One Universal Thing

7 Stereotypical divorce precursors with one thing in common

I never knew I would become a relationship priest.

But it happened.

I know some secrets, some I wish I didn’t know.

Years ago, after I began writing a divorce and relationship column, people would confess their marital sins to me. It didn’t matter where I was. It didn’t matter how well I knew them. Man or woman, they would seek me out.

They would stop me in the grocery store, at a party, or at a ballgame.

I would receive emails, texts, or Facebook messages.

I would hear about affairs.

I would hear about private investigators. I would hear about addictions. I would hear about personality disorders. I would hear about secret desires to leave a marriage. I would hear about some shocking things.

I would hear about plain run-of-the-mill marital unhappiness.

I would hear it all…in explicit detail.

I was the confessor for the miserably married.

I took it seriously.

My friend once asked, “Why didn’t tell me (so and so) was getting a divorce?”

“Are you kidding me?” I say. “I know so many secrets that I keep it all to myself because I don’t know when people have decided to make their marriage problems common knowledge. It needs to become ‘word on the street’ before I would ever repeat anything. Including, even if it’s just someone who is already initiated a divorce.”

People deserve their privacy.

Because when a divorce begins…everyone has one question.

“What happened?”

They want the deets.

You can’t blame them. It’s human nature. People are curious. Even well-meaning people are inquisitive when a relationship ends.

And let’s be honest, sometimes it’s a little misery loves company.

I’ve spent more than a decade in counseling, research, and writing about love, relationships, and divorce. While there should be a great simplicity to love, there is actually a great complexity.

But there are some common threads and fairly universal truths. Don’t get me wrong, relationships are not cut and dry.

Marriage certainly isn’t.

But more than a decade as a confessor has taught me something.

A lot of the ugliness that evolves at the end of a marriage comes from one place.

It’s because we remain in an unhappy relationship for way too long.

Bear with me, as I attempt to explain this.

First of all, back to the cut-and-dry statement, there are exceptions. There are people who simply marry the wrong person. There are cheaters who will always be cheaters from the day they get married. There are jerks and abusers who will always be jerks and abusers. There are people with addictions and personality disorders.

You get the point.

But a lot of marriages end with ugliness because we stay too long.

They end in the same stereotypical ways because…

There is an unhappy spouse.

Maybe both spouses are unhappy but they think marriage is for life or they need to stay for the children’s sake. Maybe they believe they’re only mildly unhappy until it hits a breaking point.

Maybe they feel ignored, unheard, or lonely.

Maybe they’ve emotionally outgrown one another.

Maybe they think things will eventually get better.

Maybe they no longer love the other spouse.

Maybe they’ve tolerated addiction or a personality disorder for too long.

Maybe they’ve tolerated any type of extreme personality for too long.

But the unhappy spouse remains in the unhappy marriage.

The other spouse may or may not realize this.

Or they discount it because they don’t care or don’t think they’ll leave.

And then all hell breaks loose.

The 5 stereotypical precursors to the end of a marriage.

1. The most hurtful is the affair. The deep betrayal of someone you never thought could wound you this way. The one spouse feels completely blindsided. The cheater often rationalizes their behavior because they are unhappy or feel trapped in a marriage. They attempt to justify it.

In reality, you guessed it.

They weren’t trapped they chose to stay even if they now claim unhappiness.

Happy or unhappy isn’t an excuse.

But staying long enough may make some feel it’s deserved.

2. There’s the other type of inflicted damage. The angry yelling. The ugly insulting words even four walls shouldn’t hear. The continual circular unresolved arguments. The never-ending struggling marriage because there is zero conflict resolution.

The spouses who have gotten into an unhealthy cycle.

And nothing changes.

At least one, or both are unhappy.

3. And then there are separate lives. The silent treatment. The separate bedrooms. The coming and go of two people who reside together but have zero emotional connection. But they stay married because of the children or finances.

It works for some married couples.

Until it doesn’t work.